A Brief Summary and Critique of "The Cat Sitter Trilogy," As Sold At Petsmart

The Cat Sitter Trilogy at first glance is a series of innocent DVDs designed to amuse your cats while you go out whoring at clubs. Closer analysis, however, reveals a tightly-constructed narrative that begins with a simple coming of age story and builds into an almost apocalyptic war epic with the fate of nations in the balance. Here now we break the DVDs down into the individual stories that make this impressive story arc.

Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 1: "Birds" informally titled "Justice Unserved"

Young actor Jay Baruchel plays the awkward teenage kid who runs his father's birdcage shop. He happens upon a secret compartment in the stockroom, and inside is a magical Macguffin which awakens his latent bird powers. The first twenty minutes of this installment covers him learning how to perch, peck and sit inside the little squares in a chain link fence. He is trained by a Japanese man named Xu Daoning, although it's clearly a Chinese name, and he's played by a caucasian actor with eye shadow. Whatever.

Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 2: "Rodents" informally titled "From Earth We Shall Master Ourselves; To The Sky We Shall Reign Over All"

Jay Baruchel continues as a young, troubled but talented teenager who must unite the world of birds with that of the underground rodents. This second installment, like "The Empire Strikes Back," is all a big downer designed to create new obstacles for our more fleshed out protagonist. Also, the Japanese guy is now played by a Chinese guy. Baby steps.



Cat Sitter DVD, "Volume 3: "Yarn and String" informally titled "Fuck All Y'All"

The production company pulls all the stops in this magnificent third installment. String, yarn, and even thread take part in this epic battle for supremacy. Jay Baruchel has grown a half-decent moustache by now, and the powers he holds over birds and rodents are only matched by his opponent, Xu Daoning! It turns out he was training him all along so that he could defeat him! The battle rages on for almost 3 full minutes before Jay Baruchel decides to use one of his "illegal" moves, thereby defeating his old master, etc etc.

Will cats enjoy this trilogy? I have yet to see a cat not take a swipe at the screen. Will your children like it? You have children and you're still going out whoring? You need to get your priorities straight, Veronica and Angela.