As If By Popular Demand, The Off-Brand T.P. Roundup Is Back!

Every once in a while, an unloved, forgotten-about EADJ blog segment comes back and bothers everybody again. This is one of those segments.


Brand: Somerset Quality Toilet Tissue
Design: Outline of a red swan to indicate elegance, redness of asshole after using.
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Somerset doesn't tear, and that's all I care about." -Susan Boyle


Brand: Greenhouse Bath Tissue
Design: See/say tree inside a house outline. Ambitious claim to "save our environment, one wipe at a time." Also, odd pattern that resembles the carpet in "The Shining."
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Whenever I do cocaine in the bathroom of the courthouse, I use this to wipe my nose. I'll suck your dick for ten dollars." -Lindsay Lohan


Brand: Renature Bathroom Tissue
Design: A witch ring of maple leaves surrounding a pine tree drawn from an art class.
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Renature means renal failure can be fun!" -Ali Fedotowsky from "The Bachelorette"


Brand: Renew
Design: White type reversed on green puddle of poo
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Where's my cell phone? I have to use the bathroom. (audible fart)" -Snooki


Brand: SS Quality Bathroom Tissue
Design: Overfat blue letter S's
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Holy goddamn, I lost that entire wad of toilet paper somewhere. Did it evaporate?" -Snooki


Brand: Unnamed threatening gigantic roll of white paper
Design: NONE
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "I just straddled a paper bronco, and I got chafed like you wouldn't believe. Now I have two half-balls." -Jose Canseco


Brand: Green Heritage / Bay West Eco Soft (twofer)
Design: Half-drawn leaf / globe in a styrofoam take-out container
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "None of us have a job. I'm actually ashamed that we don't contribute one iota to society in one productive way. We really are ashamed of ourselves. Why do we even exist?" -the Kardashian sisters / "Nobody likes me, mainly because I'm still an asshole." -Gene Simmons


Brand: Genuine Joe Cleaning & Breakroom Supplies Bath Tissue
Design: Hardworking communist clip art spraying the air
Blurb From Celebrity We Don't Give a Shit About: "Now there's a Joe I can put behind me, if ya know what I mean, when it comes to really cleanin' up Washington and all that there stuff there...(wink) (inaudible fart) " -Sarah Palin, via Twitter

*Editor's note: So after checking our archives, it turns out that four of these T.P.s have been reviewed before. Our apologies. We promise it will be an even longer hiatus before we trot this unlovable segment again.