The EADJ Crappinema Presents: "The Suburbans"

 

I love Will Ferrell. And I love boobies. So, naturally, I jumped at the chance to watch all three on this little known gem from 1999: "The Suburbans." It's the story of Jennifer Love Hewitt as a record label manager who stages a comeback for the one-hit wonder 80's band, The Suburbans. Pretty promising premise for a comedy, right? Right.

The thing that goes wrong here- pretty much all the way through- is that this is not about the band at all, but about one member and the relationship with his wife. And that one band member is not Will Ferrell. And it's not very funny.

 

So much about this movie is about the one guy and his wife, and there are so many unfunny reaction shots of his face, that I'm going to float out a theory: that actor is the director. I base this assumption on four clues: 

 

 

 

 

Overall grade: F

Six Lies Told By The Brochure For The Broadway Show "Peter And The Starcatcher"

1. You actually don't have to experience it for yourself if you have a friend with an exceptional gift for storytelling who has seen it.

2. Freddy Mercury is only in this production for a few minutes, and he doesn't even sing.

3. "The most mayhem-filled evening of madcap fun on Broadway" is actually the refunds booth for "Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark."

4. There are only four reasons. Numbers 1 and 5 are the same. They cheated!

5. Calling, going online, and buying tickets are indeed 3 ways to buy, but not "now" if the box office is closed. (3 Ways, 5 Reasons, 6 Lies. This is very confusing.)

6. "It's got more pirates than any show on Broadway." There are actually more guys with video cameras at the AMC Times Square Theatre filming their terrible copies of "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2."

We'd like to know what you think about the "6 Lies Told" series. Visit sixliestoldsurvey.com to fill out a quick survey to tell us what could be improved, and how. Your input counts!

This Week On Lifetime's Original Series "Walkway To Parking," Starring Melissa Joan Hart

Previously on "Walkway To Parking," Donna Parks discovers a hidden walkway to a parking lot while shopping for Zumba class accessories. She soon becomes its sole guardian and protector, but all that could change if her ex-husband Steve (played by Alexander Skarsgård) who works at the nearby frame store finds out about it! To keep her secret safe for herself and her children, Donna must decide whether to confront Steve or lose the most convenient way to her car!

And coming soon to BET from the producers of "Walkway To Parking:" an all-original series starring Gabrielle Union. "Mahogany Home Style," the story of one shopkeeper's daughter's dreams of making it big in the world of fashion! Also starring Harold Perrineau and oddly, Alexander Skarsgård.

This Blog Was Brought To You With Limited Commercial Interruption By Domestic Uniform Rental, Featuring Scott Stapp

Well I just heard the news today
It seems my clothes will have to change
Something my size, to earn my pay
Then food service apparel streams down my face


With sleeves size 18
Under a catering tent
Aprons and serving trays
I'll serve you everything
With sleeves size 18
With sleeves size 18

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the chef I have to be
I'll need a beard net, to dice these chives
We stand in oil, we've created fries

With sleeves size 18

Under the catering tent
Chef hats that are so lightweight
I'll serve you everything

With sleeves size 18
With sleeves size 18

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

 

Pitbull, sick of topping the charts with pop hit after pop hit, decides to urinate on Antarctica under the world's largest Red Vines.

 

Roc Marciano. Not to be confused with legendary boxer Rocky Marciano. Rock Marciano would have had the sense to go inside during a lightning storm/18-alarm fire.

 

Future Colon?! Future Goloin? Shit. Pick a legible font, OB Product. Or is it DB Product?

 

Freeway wakes up and wonders how he got Philadelphia in his beard.

The Empire decides to call a mixtape what it really is.

Okay, Krizz Kaliko- which doesn't even sound like a real rapper's name; it sounds like an MC that would appear on "Curb Your Enthusiasm"- if you're going to name your album in slang, explaining what it means in parenths makes it 5000 times uncooler.

 

Tracy Chapman, distraught over not having a hit since "Fast Car" in 1988, contemplates ending it all.

 

Styles P is very angry at you for not only returning the garden tools you borrowed from him 3 weeks late, but returning them in such a bad condition that he can never get a full refund for them at Lowe's. He's very angry at you.

 No change needed. Stet.

 

"Hi there. I'm Wiz Khalifa. You probably remember my last session at the Sears Portrait Studio wearing some lady's real estate blazer. Well, today I'm back, and I've picked out a great outfit. This faux white leopard coat was only $14.99 from the Ann Taylor Factory Store, and these Evel Knievel pants I picked up from True Religion, which is right next to the Piercing Pagoda. Holla!"