25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Day 17: "A Christmas Prince" Starring Rose McIver and Ben Lamb

For the past 17 days (Jesus Christ) we've been calling them "Hallmark movies," but the fact is, the Hallmark Channel isn't the only one cranking out the holiday cheese. Some of the movies we've reviewed are from Lifetime, from straight-to-DVD, and in this case, from the juggernaut Netflix. But we're saying "Hallmark movie" the same way we'd say "Harlequin novel." Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to Scotch tape a Kleenex before I Xerox and Fedex it to someone.

Plot summary: "Christmas comes early for an aspiring young journalist when she's sent abroad to get the scoop on a dashing prince who's poised to be king."

Romance Factor: 10 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 4 out of 10

Overall Rating: 7 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 00:58:03

Never has dick been eaten so Joelly.

Joel was nice enough to lend us a notebook with some screenplays he was working on. The following excerpts are from a recent foray into science fiction:

The year is 2056. Fashionistas have taken over the government. Police in wool pleated cuff trousers and very smart maroon jackets with darts along the sides are rounding up all the unfashionable and shipping them to work camps and sweat shops. Vigilante supermodels, led by Vigilanté, are destroying all food supplies to make the world "slimmer so clothing can hang from them more flatteringly." One chubby man in sweatpants and a Nascar t-shirt hides in a bunker, biding his time...

A crack team of renegade commandos from the future go back in time to present day. Their mission– to warn the world about an upcoming onslaught of cataclysmic proportions. But due to limitations in their technology, they can only warn people through the only means available– through thank you messages embedded in Applebee's dining receipts.

It is a time of great peril. The Earth has been overrun by flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles. Not that the flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles are of any immediate threat– they're just so darn many of them that it's choking the intakes of every hoverplane in the atmosphere, causing crashes everywhere. And the main problem being that the pilots have milliseconds to warn their co-pilots, "Look out for those flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles!"

April 14, 3049: Pizza Hut has successfully vanquished the pagan hordes of Domino's Pizza. Piles of corpses of Domino's delivery men rot before the supreme Red Roof, their Ford Festivas rusting in the uncaring sun. Huge Noid statues topple as the triumphant Hut-men hand-toss their new Blood-of-the-Conquered-Lover's Pizza. Crazy garlic bread sticks are dipped in cavatini-red blood in the parking lot as a lascivious feast for those who have prevailed...

An alternate universe: women have finally become equal to men. They, uh, make as much money as men ha ha ha and they ha ha ha even hold ha ha ha the same positions in government ha ha ha and in business HA HA HA HA ha ha HA HA HA. It's a comedy!

(pictured above, remnants from a bloody Donkey Kong gang war on Damen Avenue)

Dick-a-Doodle Joel

Joel's dick-eating has been an influence on American culture for a while now, but the full extent has yet to be discovered.

Every day more walks of life seem to be heavily influenced by Joel eating dick:

• Cattlemen in Montana now call one of their lasso techniques "Joeling the Dick."

• Godfather's Pizzas everywhere serve a stale, round dessert called "Eat a Dick Joel, Seriously."

• When drunk, Belgians eat each others' dicks and scream "I'M JOEL!" in their native language.

• Tommy Hilfiger has launched a new sub-brand, named Joelly EatDicker.

• Joel himself has started a scrapbook of all the publications and church bulletins that mention him eating dick.

• The Dick Industry has reported a stunning 800% rise (huh huh) in profits since Joel's 16th birthday.

(pictured above, a jaded –and jade– Michelle Litos laughs as a tour group discovers the awesome and interesting industry called advertising)