Every month or so, I receive a catalog from some company called "Signals." Almost everything for sale in it is either new age bullshit or nerdy teacher crap like shirts that say "LIFE IS SHORT– READ FAST!" As a service to our dear readers, EADJ presents a few items handpicked from this catalog that we imagine would be very physically impossible/painful to insert in one's rectum. Enjoy!
(Editor's Note: It must be stated that I have neither attempted nor intend to put any of these items in my ass, so this entry is pretty much academic and should only be used as an "ice breaker" during parties.)
Item #HD7382: Garden-Size Stone Cairn
Dimensions: 11" high. Base stone looks huge and troublesome.
Catalog says: "No two are alike, and you can arrange yours as you choose." Like in your ass, e.g.
Item #HG6005 Calligraphy Glass Sculpture
Dimensions: About 6" wide, 12" high. Depending on where you would "start," could be a long night.
Catalog says: "It quietly commands attention and invites the eye to explore each curve." Quietly? That thing is ugly as Mike Tyson's teeth. And I think the "eye" might be invited, but the ass is crashing the party anyway. Whut!
Item #HG6095 Heart Vase
Dimensions: 10" high and watertight.
Catalog says: "A creamy ceramic column spirals up and opens into a heart. Add a long-stemmed rose and she'll never forget this gift. Scuptural vase is elegant even when empty." No comedic riff needed here.
Item #HG6085 Map Plates
Dimensions: Each is 6"-10" wide, 10"-15" long.
Catalog Says: "Each plate is shaped like the nation it represents." Thanks, Catalog Obvious! Now, Italy and Great Britain would probably be the best bet. Funny how France would be unyielding for once.
Item #HG7856 Serotonin Molecule Wall Art
Dimensions: 26" x 13". Friggin huge for a molecule. But the nubs help.
Catalog says: "Serotonin is found extensively in the human gastrointestinal tract, or gut." Well, let's put it where it belongs, then, Souljah Boy!
Item #HC1532 Handcarved Don Quixote
Dimensions: About 30" high.
Catalog says: "Our angular figure is a gift for the art lover, tilter at windmills, and dreamer of impossible dreams." Like trying to fit a ginormous splintery mantis in one's butthole. Dare to dream!
Item #HB6232 The Complete Calvin & Hobbes
Dimensions: 1,440 pages, 23 lbs.
Catalog says: "Three hardcover, four-color volumes include every Calvin and Hobbes cartoon that ever appeared in syndication." Dimensions aside, I would find this extremely difficult to put in my ass because I would be too tempted to simply sit and read this wonderful compendium, cover to cover. Good stuff, that.
Item #HD2705 Big Stupid "Hey Notice Me" Umbrella With Stupid Fake Roses
Dimensions: 23" long.
Catalog says: "Closed, it's a bountiful bouquet. Full-sized umbrella has a hardwood shaft." The nylon roses would be the major hurdle to jump in anally inserting this item, I would imagine. That would leave someone walking around with a red bouquet and an umbrella handle sticking out their butthole, and that's just silly-looking.
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