Introducing AMC Stubs Events!

Members of the AMC Stubs Rewards program will be happy to know that AMC now offers exciting new in-theatre events. Check your local theatre for these upcoming events:

• Pajama Day

• Throw A Dildo At a Kevin James Movie Day

• We Fill the Entire Theatre with Popcorn So You Can Swim

• Possible Craigslist Drug Dealing Hookup

• Movie Trivia Rap Cypher

• Pretend To Be Interested in a Live Opera Feed

• Everybody Fuck

• AMC Employee Job Fair

UAG

Today We Examine the Package for Red Jr. Table Tennis Balls

Why? Who knows? We need content, okay?

Nobody on the package is holding a ping pong paddle, so I'm pretty sure this is for beer pong. Also the fact that this was located in the chaser soft drink aisle.

Featuring Carmen Sandiego, Dorothy Gale, and a MAGA guy.

Kudos to the writer for creating 4 bullets that just repeat the text to fill out space. PowerPoint expert?

Is that Philadelphia? Flip, flip, flipadelphia!

A Word on Gen Z Horror Movies

The release of technology-based horror movies is always interesting. The creators of these offerings seem to want to tap into some kind of anxiety related to what I think is pretty innocuous.

Examples of past successes: "The Ring", the phone in "Scream", "The Blair Witch Project", "M3GAN", and "Paranormal Activity".

Maybe it's an attempt to relate to the kids, to maybe tell classic boogeyman stories but through your phone or iPad.

Maybe it's some young producers making fun of old technology?

It could be tapping into the anxiety of fast-evolving technology that leaves a person feeling powerless and lost.

Perhaps the booming seller's real estate market makes it impossible to imagine a deserted haunted house nearby?

Whatever the reason, these tech-based horror stories are hit or miss. Mostly miss.

If they really want to tap into scary technology, I would suggest something involving A.I. or Boston Dynamics robots. That shit is terrifying.

*Logging off*

How Not To Be A Racist, As Illustrated By A Foldable Tent Instruction Page

You know it. I know it. But everyone else doesn't have to know that you're a terrible racist. Here's a handy guide to how to not act like a racist in social situations.

1) Take a quick look at your racism. Ugly, isn't it? Why do you even hate people from Guam and Puerto Ricans? They're Americans, too, you know.

2) Take both hands and SQUEEZE that racism down to a more manageable size. You'll immediately notice that there's a lot of resistance to getting smaller, but keep at it.

3) Find the part of your racism that secures the rest of it. Now use your free hands to hide your open hatred of immigrants, even though your grandparents were immigrants themselves!

4) You're about to interact with other people in a moment. Keep that irrational hostility towards Native Americans and Hispanics in check. Now stand up.

5) There you go! Keep smiling during your interactions with people, and whatever you do, make sure your free arm doesn't swing up in a Sieg Heil salute, you piece of shit!

Say Goodbye To Some Straw Men In Marketing!

Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

"Woke bank" LOL

Burning Questions About an FB Ad

An ad spotted in Facebook:

Some questions:

• Can I put Crystal and Chakra Healer Certification on my resume?

• Do I get a handy ID card for my wallet?

• Why is the certification process 85% off all of a sudden?

• Will regular people be able to tell a certified healer from a non-certified one, and how?

• Does being a certified healer protect me from fraud lawsuits?

• Is someone trying to rip me off when all I'm doing is trying to rip other people off?

• How do I *know* if the people certifying me are actually certified themselves?