Six Lies Told By The Kansas City Zoo Brochure

1) Not all white monkeys at the zoo take care of little black monkeys. That would be fucked up.

2) Not always a NEW adventure. If you're been to the zoo in the past three weeks, it's the same damn adventure. The question is, why are you coming back to the zoo so soon after visiting the first time?

3) "The belly flops and underwater flips entertain all ages." That's a lie. Any kid between 14-19 would rather crush candy or flip Angry Birds or whatever the fuck.

4) The ski-lift thingie isn't NEARLY as fun as these two enthusiastic people will have you believe. 

5) Not closed only on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day. They're also closed on Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Holy Shit A Lion Has Escaped And Has Mauled 14 People Day

6) Dick Cheney not always there.

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An Interview With the 4 Ladies In That Old "Haulin' Ass" Poster

Most men who grew up in the 80's remember the "Haulin' Ass" poster. Some had it hanging on their wall or basement, and some had seen it for sale at their local Spencer's Gifts Store. This enduring classic from 1986 depicting four bikini'd women in high heels standing in the bed of a truck with the caption "Haulin' Ass" has recently been inducted into the new poster archive section of the Library of Congress. EADJ tracked down the four women who posed in this perennial favorite in four retrospective interviews.


Barbara Cassidey, 40, Gym Manager
"Yeah, I remember that shoot. It was a mild August afternoon in Taylor, Michigan, which is just outside of Detroit. A good friend of mine knew the photographer and volunteered me. I thought it was for a commercial or a movie, so I got my hair and face made up. But then they told me to just show my ass. Kind of lame. The guy didn't even clean the truck."


Deborah Galveston, 43, Financial Advisor at The U.S. Department of Labor
"Shit. This is what you're interviewing me for? A 22-year old photo? Goddamn, I've moved on. I've built a fucking life and a fucking family and shit. Motherfucking poster that I never got paid for, cheap-ass asshole photographer snaps a picture of my ass, and I never hear from him again. Fuck. You know what? Fuck you. Get out."


Candace Bettermin, 39, Radio Promoter, (Deceased)
Unfortunately, Candace Bettermin passed away in 2006 from injuries sustained in an accident at a promotional event for a local radio station in Wichita, Kansas. An oversized fiberglass tooth fell on Bettermin as she was swinging from a chain below it. She was wearing the pink bikini and heels that had made her so famous.


Maya Angelou, 80, Poet and Activist
"Yes, few people realize that I was the fourth girl in that famous photo. I was 58 at that time, can you believe that? It's funny. I was in town for a book signing of my latest collection of poems, "All God's Children Need Traveling Shoes," and my agent had told me she'd scheduled an additional appearance in an alley behind a Fuddrucker's. I was hesitant but once I put on those heels, I knew it was a good thing. Why, years later, I wrote a poem about the experience. I think it was called either Welcoming The Sun Into Your Arms or Exposing My Ass In The Back Of Someone's Ford F-150. I forget which."

Copies of the "Haulin' Ass" poster are still on sale at Amazon under the title "Women In Truck," although if you look closely at the title of the webpage window, it's under the category "Kitchen & Dining."

Fresh.

Yesterday, Joel farted into a Ziploc bag to see if it would keep.

It did.

(pictured above, Tom W prepares himself for 40 days and 40 nights of ankle flooding)