Some Conspiracy Stories InfoWars Is About To Dump On Yous

Alex Jones and his two writers are baking some spicy untrue stories for you dummies to gobble up with no critical thinking. Here are the newest: 

• Polly Pocket toys are a way to indoctrinate children to get them used to living in small tenements

• CEOs of corporations are actually benevolent demigods here to protect you and care for the planet

• All identical twins are CIA operatives– one to spy on you, one to report to Langley

• How can Kermit the Frog still speak when Jim Henson died in 1990? Kermit IS ALIVE.

• Kegel exercises can restore virginity. Just ask me, Alex Jones

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Oh look. Gorillaz are back!

Jesus. Who around here hasn't contaminated the crime scene?

"Excuse me, when you're finished soaking your nasty toes, can I wash my goddamn hands?"

I'm not sure if this is an old mixtape (see the rappers' names) or if this is a purposeful throwback with old mixtape design. Any guesses?

One of the fun things about big compilations like this is that you get to see how thrilled everyone is to be there.

A scarecrow for when you want to scare off fans of non-preachy rap.

The cashier at Wawa was not impressed.

Oh cool. A pharmaceutical sorority. I had a friend who joined one of those in college. She didn't rap, though.

His ancestors lay down some legendary farts.

R.I.P. Vern Troyer, who appeared in one of the illest rap videos.

An Imagined Conversation

Oh, why do I gotta be "DELIVERY?" Is it because I'm black? Because I'm some kind of gofer making deliveries for my white boss? Like I'm your fuckin' errand boy? Shiit.

Or is it because I'm like some dealer delivering drugs? Is that it? Just because I had a song called "I'm Your Pusher," now I'm automatically a drug dealer in real life? Now, if you'd actually listened to the lyrics, you'd see that I was saying I'm a pusher of DOPE RHYMES and RECORDS, not actual dope, fool:

I'm sellin' dope in each and every record store
I'm the kingpin when the wax spins
Crack or smack will take you to a sure end

Sure, it's a clumsy analogy, but so was "Lethal Weapon," where I said "my lethal weapon's my mind" and told you to go to the library to "get some more ammo."

But whatever. Back to the task at hand: I ain't your errand boy. And I ain't no drug delivery, either. I play a cop, even though I sang "Cop Killer" with that terrible rock band I had. See, you can separate my acting art from my music, see?

Body Count. That's it. That was the name of that band. Jesus.

UAG, or "Sometimes, You Just Don't Have Time For A Quality Blog Entry"

EADJ Non-Curse Week Begins

Some EADJ readers have grumbled about this blog's "unnecessary use" of profanity.

Now, we could simply retort with a wonderful string of expletives, but that's exactly what they'd want. That's why we've decided to accept their challenge and make this week completely free of four letter words and off-color language.

Come to think of it, why are these readers surprised to read profanities from a blog named "Eat a D*ck?" What the wu-wu hoover skipants are they thinking?

Man, this week is gonna SUCK.