More Dumb Taglines For a Dumb Movie From 2015

 

Hey, Wait a Minute...

Ronald? Somebody is moonlighting.

 

Synopses For Upcoming Episodes of Netflix's "Charlie's Colorforms City"

"Impasse"

Charlie's fake elector scheme falls apart. The Tan Council approves the demolition of the Pink Projects. The Colorforms crime rate skyrockets when the Purple Police go on strike.

"Decisions"

The Colorforms City power grid is compromised by Monochrome Terrorists. New districts are gerrymandered so that the Yellow Party stays in power. Charlie cuts off his deadbeat brother.

"Shit You Not"

Orange and Red neighbors realize they're not so different after all, but the Oranges will never forgive Reds for the damage to their property. Charlie meets with some Saudi investors to finance the Colorforms light rail. A Green sweatshop goes up in flames at the same time a nearby luxury apartment complex is announced.

UAG

An Example of Birdhouse Racism

An ad spotted on Amazon:

What's wrong with the green birdhouse? Why is it valued less if it's exactly the same besides color? Is that for the lower income birds? Separate but equal, my eye.

This Week In Chicago Whatever

 The following are episode synopses for this week:

Chicago P.D.

Criminologist Harren Walker joins the team. Kelsey can't get her locker open. Some young punks give Sgt. Dukey a new nickname. 

Chicago Med

The NICU nurses throw a party at the worst time. Theresa and Donovan bury the hatchet in the commissary. Without his glasses, Dr. Carrow sutures his fingers together.

Chicago Fire

Battalion Chief Baldwin confronts an old nemesis. Kaitlyn reveals her diagnosis to the other EMS technicians. Lieutenant Klein burns his dick off at the training center.

An Imagined Conversation

"Jiehong, we need a name for our restaurant."

"Okay, Chun. Something Chinese."

"How about something with dragons or pandas? Like Panda Hut?"

"Hmmm. I like it, but can it be more natural? Like outdoorsy?"

"Oh! How about a garden?"

"Yes! I like gardens! So, maybe Jade Garden? Or Dragon Garden?"

"Mmmm. Dragon Garden is a mouthful."

"Panda Garden?"

"That's weird. What's a panda doing in a garden?"

"What's a dragon doing in a garden?"

"Okay, fair... How about, Emerald Garden!"

"I like it! But it doesn't really speak to food."

"I think you're being too literal about this. It can be Jade or Emerald or Dynasty Garden or Ming Garden..."

"No, I got it! TOMATOES!"

Updated Guest Roster for the Upcoming VidCon '23

The schedule for the foremost convention of content creators and influencers has been updated. Here are the newest speakers and featured artists:

• TikTok dog trainer and life coach/notary Frank Billadieaux

• Lip syncer Damn Hugh will perform all of the *NSYNC discography

• Podcasters vs. Bloggers Family Feud

• Joe Rogan will be selling his supplements in the parking lot

• OnlyFans President Gui Serranovich will be signing autographs with his anus

• Reaction video maker SSniperWolf will dox anyone you choose for $50

• "NPC" TikTokker GemØKatts will thank you in an anime voice if you throw a nickel at her

• Old man Dave Grohl will appear and tell you what "rock n roll" was

Captioned

Info Wars Corrections

From time to time, in their enthusiasm to bring you the facts, the show Info Wars reports stories that turn out to not untrue either partially or entirely. When they do, they regret the error and release corrections, such as these:

• Fluoride is not being put into city water by the Lizard People; it's actually being done by the Jewish Yetis

• Elon Musk is not South African. He's actually very Northern Antarctican

• The lead singer who died but is now a reanimated clone was not the one from Smashmouth but the one from Chumbawumba

• Woke mind viruses are in your breakfast cereal as well as your shampoo but NOT in your Chiclets. We checked

• Subliminal messages from Venus are not dangerous but mostly helpful PSAs about spending time with your kids

Can We Cut The Shit, Please?

I happened across a couple of FB posts that were both saying the same thing and were both equally full of shit:

So who are these memes for? Well, boomers obviously, since it's Facebook. But it's MAGA boomers who are frightened of anything new, like Taylor Swift or uh... Garth Brooks? Anything new is "woke" and needs to be rejected by them.

But this is such incredible horseshit because would a successful touring artist like Garth Brooks even agree to tour with Kid Rock? Would the biggest POP star in the fucking world need to go touring with Jason Aldean? Give me a fucking break.

Oh look, Kid Rock turned down a fictional $150 million because the other artist was too woke. Right. And Jason Aldean was offered half a billion to introduce angry shitty country to a broad audience of young girls. BITCH PLEASE.

The Grammys!

Tonight, CBS presents the 408th Annual Grammys, celebrating the best in music for 2023-2024.

featuring performances by:

Hecklerlog

Sponch Deluxe

Gabby Filagree

Könsommé

1040-EZ & the Auditors

The Walter Grant Simonson, Jr. Auditory Adventure Explosion

Whack

At the Cusp of Employment

HAGGADAGGALAGGAYAGGA

Open Mic Night (which a very confusing band name for bookings)

Yuri & Abidemi Hate You

A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs Explains Plumbism

"Great question. Plumbism, or lead poisoning, is the buildup of lead in the body, usually over months or years.

Lead-based paint and... wait... its dust, uh, usually found *ACK* in older buildings, are common sources of exposure. *Huff huff huff* Occupa... occupational exposure, such as welding... OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH is a more common cause for... a... adults. Symptoms.... include *choke* developmental delays, abdominal pain, neurologic changes, and... OH GOD... irritability. At very high levels, it can be fa... fa... fa... fatal." *neck breaks, dies*

The AMC Stubs "Fill Any Container With Popcorn For $2" Promotion Is Canceled.

After numerous complaints and fire safety violations, AMC has discontinued its popular "Fill Any Container With Popcorn for $2" program.

Patrons—including AMC Stubs members—cannot bring the following containers in to fill with popcorn anymore:

• Wheelbarrows

• Any sarcophagus

• Bounce castles

• 1:1 scale Godzilla costumes

• train cars (boxcar and open-top hoppers)

• VW bugs

• New York 1 bedroom apartments

• walk-in refrigerators

• that wrecking ball that was used in the Miley Cyrus video (it's hollow, btw)

• any bag of holding

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Pressure Wash a Driveway

Stains on concrete are not only ugly, they can also weaken the surface of your driveway. For this, a pressure washer is fast and efficient. Here are steps to cleaning a driveway with a pressure washer: 

1) Prepare the area. Using a broom or leaf blower, clear loose material like stone, dirt and other debris off the driveway surface. 

2) Prepare your pressure washer. Connect the spray wand to the washer using a pressure hose and the washer to a water supply using a garden hose. Different nozzles are available for different purposes. For applying the detergent, use the low-pressure nozzle. For rinsing, use a high-pressure nozzle.

3) Spray the concrete. Sweep the nozzle steadily back and forth across the surface, overlapping each stroke by several inches.

4) Seal the concrete. After the concrete has dried completely, apply a sealant to help ward off future stains. Allow the surface to set for 24 hours before using the driveway.

And speaking of surfaces, one time I wasn't looking and a lady was cutting lines of cocaine on the HOOD OF MY LIMO. Needless to say she didn't get a ride home. Be safe, kids!

Today We Say Goodbye To Stuff Advertisers Tell Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

I Don't Get It.

 Spotted on the DoorDash page for McDonald's:

Question: What happens at midnight where employees CAN make a triple cheeseburger but CANNOT make a Deluxe McCrispy? I'm not privy to the ins and outs of burger building technology, but I can't imagine how making the two burgers can be very different or time-dependent.

If you feed a Gremlin a Deluxe McCrispy at midnight, what happens?

UAG

Synopses For Upcoming Episodes of Netflix's "Charlie's Colorforms City"

"Alliances"

The City Council forces Charlie out of the Main Square Planning Committee when they discover his connection with the hired contractors. He plans his revenge. Casey and Darla find boxes of discarded ballots, a week after the mayoral election.

"ad Astra per Aspera"

The assassination of a state senator causes a citywide lockdown. Charlie and his black tar heroin supplier need to find an escape before the police discover their stash. The local school's Color Art Show begins.

"Vengeance"

A series of small time crooks are found stripped and murdered, but luckily Charlie has an alibi when he's locked up for fighting at the Colorforms Blue Casino. Rainbow Johnny ghosts his probation officer again.

Featured Speakers At the Next CES

The upcoming Consumer Electronics Show has booked some notable keynote speakers. Here's who to expect in Hall C:

• TAKIN Home Pregnancy Test CEO Mandy Takins will have intercourse with audience members to test out the latest kits

• Smuckers CEO Don LaGrippe will announce and smoke the new Goober Grape Vape

• Dirt Devil President Garry Rousseau will demonstrate the new "naughty" attachments

• HD DVD promoter Jessica Hundmann will return years later to complain how the HD DVD format was better than Blu Ray all along

• Samsung rep Xi Tsung will reveal the new fuckable TV

A Marvel Meme

The Mexican Pizza and the McRib Meet the KFC Chizza

MP: Check it out, McRib.

M: What the hell is that?

C: Hey fellas! I'm the new KFC Chizza!

MP: Oh, I get it. Pepperoni and mozzarella on top of chicken. A Chizza.

C: Exactly! I'm chicken and pizza!

M: Nice portmanteau.

MP: Yeah, cute. But you're not really pizza. You're not on pizza dough.

C: Well, neither are you. You're a pair of big crackers. And your cheese isn't even mozzarella.

M: He's got you there, Mexican "Pizza".

MP: Shut up.

M: So, Chizza, are they buying a lot of you?

C: I'm doing respectable. Some chicken purists are offended by the pepperoni on top of chicken, though.

M: Fuck purists.

MP: Yeah, fuck 'em. If no one pushed boundaries, I'd never had been created.

M: Me neither. Here's to innovation!

C: Hear hear!

MP: You guys wanna grab a bite? I'm starving.

M: I could go for a Waldorf salad, frankly.

C: Oooh, that sounds GREAT.