Somehow, Some Way, Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Velvet Soft Bathroom Tissue

Label: Strange green velvet stolen from the hair salon in Oz.

Feels Like: Being entered by the Scarecrow.

Brand: Gigantic silent label-less spool

Label: None. It just stares at you like it understands your soul.

Feels Like: The end of "2001: A Space Odyssey," but on your asshole.

Brand: Embassy

Label: "Classy" marbleized texture with some stately block letters.

Feels Like: You're not going to find asylum here.

Brand: Terrifying waxy orange no-name

Label: Blank, waxy orange paper that smells vaguely of a seance.

Feels Like: Wiping with ectoplasm, if ectoplasm were cheaply manufactured and rough on your bunghole.

Brand: Target "Up & Up" Bath Tissue

Label: An optimistic red arrow points at some cotton plants on the moon.

Feels Like: A thong made of brambles and retail coupons.

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BONUS DISCUSSION: Mor-Soft 500 Vs. Mor-Soft 1000: Which One Is Right For You?

By now, most of you have encountered the wildly famous Mor-Soft 500 brand toilet paper when taking a dump at a strip club or a AAA hockey game, but did you know that there is also the Mor-Soft 1000 brand toilet paper, by the same manufacturer? This special section is designed to help you choose which of these is right for you.

• Do you have to poop?

            ✓ Mor-Soft 500

            ✓ Mor-Soft 1000

• Do you have Arithmophobia, the fear of numbers?

               Mor-Soft 500

              Mor-Soft 1000

• Does your ass prefer even numbers?

            ✓ Mor-Soft 500

            ✓ Mor-Soft 1000

• Does 1000 feel really excessive, when 500 will do?

           ✓  Mor-Soft 500

               Mor-Soft 1000

• Does 500 just not do it for you, but 1000 really finishes the job?

               Mor-Soft 500

            ✓ Mor-Soft 1000

Feel free to clip out this handy guide and put it in your wallet! Preparation is key.