An Open Letter From A Cat To Its Owner Who Bought a CatNix® Workspace Partition, As Seen In The Latest Issue of SkyMall

Okay, I get it. You want to be left alone to work on your spreadsheets or expense reports or whatever. That's cool. I realize that whenever you're working on your laptop or computer, that I can't expect for you to drop everything just to pet my head or scratch the part on my back towards the tail that makes me arch my butt. But I as a cat have needs, too.

I just bother you once in a while when I feel like you haven't paid enough attention to me. That can't be more frequently than every hour or so– no big deal. Just my way of checking in with you and saying hello. And you have shooed me away or picked me up and set me on the floor enough times where I get the hint and leave you alone for a while. We're all adults here.

So when you went and bought the CatNix® Workspace Partition after seeing it in the SkyMall catalog, I knew something in our relationship was terribly wrong. This was essentially an act of war.


I mean, look at this thing. There's a solid piece of PLEXIGLASS between you and me now. I feel like I'm at a goddamned hockey game. Ridiculous.

And don't think I'm not agile enough to simply bound over these partitions onto your keyboard. You've seen me reach the top of the pantry door from the kitchen counter. I'll fucking do it if I have to. It's more the sheer gesture of literally setting up walls between you and me. That's the part that really hurts. It's just a big "fuck you" to yours truly.

Remember, you have responsibilities as my owner, too. Just because you open a can of food for me and change my litter box doesn't mean your job is done: I crave serious emotional support, too, dummy. Hell, I'm already there for you, always. Who was there for you when that Sicilian girl stood you up? Who listened to you bitch about your crappy mid-level executive job this last year? The same job you're devoting more time to than stroking me? You forgetful putz.

And did you have to shell out $37.99 (plus shipping) of your hard earned money just to shut me out like that? That's just downright wasteful. With that money you could score some serious high-end cat toys and a laser pointer. But I guess that didn't cross your mind, did it?

Also, who the fuck is this guy?

Learn to appreciate what's around you before what's around you scratches your fucking eyes out while you sleep.

Fuck you,
Wally the Cat