Okay.

Number one, I don't know why this pop-up appeared on my computer AT WORK, because I'm not surfing on any inappropriate websites or nothin. Not unless you count lemonparty.org or bluewaffle.net.

Number two, I'm no genitalia expert, but I'm pretty sure some of those aren't senior women.

Number three, WHAT THE FACK?!?!?!?!?!? AAAHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

EADJ ProofrEADJer, March Edition

The End of an EADJ Bit

It is today with sadness that we announce the end of the EADJ Off-Brand T.P. Roundup. For the last six months, we have been scouring public restrooms for new, unreviewed toilet paper but to no avail. It seems that in creating these round-ups the last several years, we have actually depleted the very resources we have been reviewing. One would think that in this economy, more restaurants, bars and whorehouses would resort to stocking off-brand tissue paper. But it's perhaps these trying economic conditions that have forced these mom-and-pop operations to close down (the toilet paper companies, not the whorehouses).

So we bid adieu to the EADJ Off-Brand T.P. Roundup. But as many of you readers know, retired segments rarely stay that way forever. Godspeed! :'(

UAG

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Pool Noodles

Today we put the hate on the floating abomination that is the pool noodle.

Word has it, this is the only floating toy accepted in public pools and water parks nowadays. The larger lounge-type rafts are prohibited because I guess dumb kids can be caught underneath one? Or that the rafts are considered too big for a publicly shared space? Whatever the reason, the shitty flaccid pool noodle is now here to stay to "teach you to swim."


Now, how exactly are you supposed to learn how to swim while straddling with a big flaccid floating dong? Number one, I think that's sick, and number two, I just peed in the pool again. Feel that warmth.



The only fun that can be had with a pool noodle is out of the water, where you're beating the piss out of your friends while they're trying to hold a margarita and tell you about their new timeshare in Belize. Take that, boring conversation!

Very Important Announcements

Can anyone tell me what the fuck the flight attendant's saying here?

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 1

(cue irritating banjo music)

You'd be surprised how many lost or discarded business cards you find just lying around. These are all real people's addresses, phone numbers, and email addresses exposed out in the open, vulnerable to identity theft.

That's why we here at EADJ have developed the Project Hillbilly Teeth Project. It's a non-profit organization devoted to preemptively picking up all these lost business cards and building passes to foil identity thieves. We send a random, confusing letter to the business card owners, along with a free set of "Bubba" hillbilly teeth, just because we can. The following will show you how the Hillbilly Teeth Project works and makes a real difference in so many people's lives.


The first business card was found in a cab in Manhattan:



The second we found at a Jersey train station:



With our real estate broker, we decided to go with the apologetic "unfilled-order-with-compensation-hillbilly-teeth" approach:

(click to enlarge)

Our infectious diseases doctor offered us an opportunity for a more vocational approach. One that hinted at a job search of some kind. A North Carolina-based hospital seemed like an appropriate segue into the enclosed hillbilly teeth.

(click to enlarge)

A quick packing up, and we're reading to mail!




Since we wisely did not leave a return address of any kind, we realize that we'll never hear a 'thank you' from the people that we help. But, you know, that's not why we do it. We're doing it for the LOVE. For knowing that we've touched people's lives with hillbilly teeth. That they are just as confused as we imagine them to be.

And although this is purely speculative, here is a rendering of what I imagine Mr. M and Dr. C would look like trying on the "Bubba" hillbilly teeth:



And so ends phase 1 of Project Hillbilly Teeth. 2 down, dozens more to go.



(end irritating banjo music)

Time To De-friend Two People

From Last Week

A St. Patrick's Day reveler attempts to hail a cab, using all the accessories and skills at his disposal.


"Come ON, guys!"

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with How To Set Up a Remote Connection To Your Workplace Using VPN (Windows Only)

From another location, you can connect to a workplace network or another network by using a virtual private network (VPN) connection. Ask your network administrator for the name of the VPN server before you open the wizard.

Open the Connect to a Workplace wizard by clicking the Windows "Start" button, clicking "Control Panel," clicking "Network" and "Internet," clicking "Network and Sharing Center," clicking "Set up a connection or network," and then clicking "Connect to a workplace."

And speaking of clicking, if I hear someone in the back of my limo messing with the door locks for no goddam reason, you can bet I'm dropping their ass off at the next corner. Rules is rules, people.

UAG

The Thinner, Hipper, Douchier Version of Scott Peterson

Pictured left, Scott Peterson joins some shit band named "Foxy Shazam."

Yeah, that's really the name.

Will The Real Joel Thomas, Please Eat Dick?

Way back in EADJ Entry #300, we Googled "Joel Thomas" to see what picture came up. This did:


So now it's time to Google his name again and see what Joel Thomas wonders the Internet has in store for us:








Apparently, the Internet's getting better.

Of Smut and Fuzz

During a visit to Jersey, my Dad gripes to J'Net about Mom throwing away all his adult magazines. Meanwhile, Mom's hair is growing back. :)



BTW, Mom was fixated on an ACC game on TV.

How To Tell The Seasons in Brooklyn

A Photo

Pictured above, what the ceiling of the Banana Republic For Women looks like at 9pm on a Wednesday while your wife tries on a third pair of khakis that will inevitably look exactly like the first two pair that she tried on but will require your opinion regardless and if you say anything like "Whatever" or "They all look the same," that will prompt a brief but tense moment of silence that will just prolong the agony.

AWESOME YouTube Comment O' the Fortnight

From the YouTube page for the song named "Yatta!" a great comment by 23-year old AtheistAssassin13:

"God, this song kicks your mother's ass and forces your family to watch. That's how awesome it is."

Some Title Here

Easter is almost upon us, and I stumbled upon some really keen Easter stuff in the latest Oriental Trading catalog. Because I'm Oriental.


The catalog is filled with knick-knacks and doodads that help teachers introduce their Sunday School students to Easter, which is fine, until I got to the pageant costume section:


Now kids can play out the entire resurrection scene. You know, where Jesus comes out of the cave and says "hey." Then everyone is amazed except Thomas, who demands to feel Jesus' wounds before being convinced. Then Simon Peter gives Thomas an atomic wedgie, and Thomas starts crying and throws his Juicy Juice box at him.


Maybe it's just me, but there's something disingenuous and unsettling about a bunch of WASP-y kids dressing up as historical Middle Easterners in day-glo robes.


That kid looks like every bearded college guy walking into a party:

"Wassup, fools? Is the keg in the back?"

It's also nice to see that they make Joel's mandals in kid's sizes.