A Greener, More Earth-Friendly Off-Brand T.P. Roundup

EADJ has caught a little flak from environmental groups for our occasional T.P. Roundup being too negative about how bad generic toilet paper is. They've argued that the 1-ply type of paper reduces deforestation and somehow helps koala bears walk. So here now are reviews of off-brand tissue paper from a more positive angle. And please consider the environment before printing this blog entry.


Earth-Loving Paper Name: Hi Soft
Earth-Friendly Graphic Treatment: The name floating on a big blue nacho. Also, a drawing of a roll of toilet paper on the roll of toilet paper.
Earth-Saving Review: O sweet tits of joy! The manufacturers of Hi Soft have grossly misrepresented the name but have saved a dozen badger families in the Pacific Northwest! Hooray!


Earth-Conscious Paper Name: Smart Price for...Bathroom Tissue
Earth-Aware Graphic Treatment: A green asterisk flower for... no special reason
Earth-Replenishing Review: God bless the makers of Smart Price for... reversing mankind's impact on the planet! Every time you wipe your ass with this, a California condor chick finds its mother! Kudos!


Earth-Nurturing Paper Name: Green Heritage
Earth-Breastfeeding Graphic Treatment: An uninspired leaf which accidentally resembles The Onion logo.
Earth-Rescuing Review: O hail to the Green Heritage makers! This paper seems to biodegrade the second you start using it! It fully dissolves in your crack, turning your butt into its own compost heap.


Earth-Hugging Paper Name: Skyline 1-Ply
Earth-Sustaining Graphic Treatment: Some mountains over a sunrise. Ahh.
Earth-Shattering Review: You see what they did here? They used the word 'skyline' but instead showed MOUNTAINS! They turned that shit around to talk about nature and shit! Now use this to reverse the damaging effects of your enormous carbon footprint!


Earth-Promoting Paper Name: Morex
Earth-Rotating Graphic Treatment: The word 'Morex' in a blue oval. And a trademark symbol that's as big as your head.
Earth-Penetrating Review: One way to make toilet paper more earth-friendly is to make it so harsh and painful to use that nobody uses it. Trees win!


Earth-Carrying Paper Name: Never-Out Executive 1-Ply
Earth-Worshipping Graphic Treatment: None. Fuck that shit.
Earth-Revolving Review: This paper doesn't mess around. The 'never-out' moniker refers to the roll of paper itself: people are too embarrassed to put this out for their guests. No paper used, problem solved! Fuck you!


Earth-Promising Paper Name: None
Earth-Championing Graphic Treatment: None
Earth-Renewing Review: None