One, Two, Um, Buckle My, Um, Racist Appliances

A Few Words on "Dream Words"

Well, I call them "dream words" because I don't know what else they're called. But they're any household object that has an inspirational, generic word like "HOPE" or "FRIENDS" or "HEART" or whatever. The intent is to decorate your home with these tchotchkes in order to literally fill the house with love. The actual result is that you've made your home 500% more irritating.


Cuz let's break this shit down for what it is– it's basically aspirational in nature. Someone is littering their house with this in order to remind loved ones that this is a "house of love." And all in a very passive aggressive way, with a paperweight that says "HONOR" or a hallway plaque that says "SHARE." It's really the decorating equivalent of leaving naggy, needy Post-Its everywhere.


Now, I understand if you're a 14-year old girl, this type of stuff is fun and goofy. So a pink alarm clock that says "TIME FOR FUN!" on it is pretty standard for that age. But when 50-year old women strew heart-shaped rocks with the word "HOPE" on it in their gardens, it reeks of tackiness and fart moustaches.



A far darker possibility for having these around is that they are somehow substitutes for actual familial affection. Or that they're for people who have grown old and don't have anyone around anymore. Possibilities that are too sad to even begin joking about on this blog. I mean, we just wrote "fart moustaches" earlier, for crying out loud.


So old biddies and chicks with no taste are welcome to continue buying these horrible things at Hallmark Stores, Bed Bath & Beyonds, and Cracker Barrels. And I will continue smashing them in their homes and blaming it on their cats.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with How To Carve a Pumpkin

After emptying a pumpkin of all seeds or pulp, draw a pattern for the face on a clean pumpkin with a felt-tip pen, or scribe the lines into the skin using a pencil. Be sure to make the eyes, nose and mouth large enough; you'll have a hard time cutting out tiny features when you're using a big knife blade to saw through tough skin. Follow your pattern as you cut all the way through the pumpkin. Push the cut-out features gently from the inside of the pumpkin and discard the pieces. Place a votive candle inside the pumpkin to create an eerie glow.

And speaking of eerie glows, a guy in Johnsonville, TN tried to get me to install some glowing neon lights on the underside of my town car. I told him, "I'm running a limo service here, not a f***ing carnival!" That shut him up good.