Spotted at Target

In the Home and Garden section, a product called Envirolog Color-Flame, which apparently makes your bonfires more outspoken about LGBTQ rights.

The third step in the instructions on the back is interesting: "Control your excitement."

Oh, it's controlled, all right. Maybe not as enthusiastic as the Envirolog folks had anticipated, since I'm now concerned about what toxic chemicals I'm inhaling in my yard to generate these unnatural colors?

Oh good. There's a chart online:

This is going to kill a lot of Cub Scouts.

The Newest Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

"Even heartbreak feels good in a place like this."

That's total bullshit, but being an AMC Stubs member does make heartbreak a little easier to bear, thanks to the latest perks and bonuses such a membership can get you. Check it out:

• You can sleep in our projection room with your friends and survive a catostrophic comet extinction because of the lead-lined walls

• Free Jujubes if you can find them

• AMC Stubs members can drive drunk in our parking lot (we are NOT responsible for DUIs off of theatre property)

• You can use the exclusive SKIP button that appears on all movie trailers

• 3D movies will have a 45% less chance of sexually assaulting you

• Members can watch up to 4 movies a week, for free! Who needs a life?

• Free lasik surgery for anyone who forgot their glasses