Stop emailing and IMing us reminders about it. Stop with the harassing reminder notes on our desk. Stop with the texts asking us to review Robin's Meade's second CD. And for God's sake, stop tweeting with the hashtag #EADJRobinCDreviewPlease.
We have finally gotten around to listening to this thing a mere three months after having discovered it on a rack in Target. Robin pulled out all the stops this time, collaborating with the likes of Keb' Mo', Kenny Loggins and Gary Burr to build her country music cred.
Here now is the track-by-track review of the CNN Headline News host's latest foray into karaoke music, which this time we listened to on a Sony DEG3 Psyc Style Discman from 1999 in select locations.
Track 1: "Here For You" (featuring Blue Sky Riders- Kenny Loggins, Georgia Middleman & Gary Burr)
Listened to at "The Art of The Brick" exhibit at the Discovery Times Square Museum
Robin begins this song with the lyrics "my door is here to be knocked on/ my porch is here to be rocked on" and it doesn't get any non-cornier or unintentionally sexual from there. The general takeaway from this song is Robin's message that she "will be here for you," meaning if you're ever feeling lonely, sad, or without hope, just turn to "Morning Express With Robin Meade" on the Headline News Channel from Monday to Friday 6am to noon ET, and Robin will have your back between commercial breaks.
Track rating: D
Track 2: "Gonna Be Days"
Listened to at Penn Station KFC
Before even listening to this song in that crowded, reeking KFC, I guessed that the main message of this song, based on the title, was something like "you're going to face adversity from time to time, but everything is gonna be okay." Was I wrong? Yes. It's a song about couples fighting. Robin sings "You can be cold/ and I can be stubborn/ but you know me better than any other lover/ you leave a mess and a sink full of dishes/ but I can't be mad when we dance 'round the kitchen." Imagine this (with that godawful dishes/kitchen rhyme) accompanied by steel guitar and fiddle and you've got yourself "Gonna Be Days," Robin's tribute to imperfect domestic bliss.
Track rating: C
Track 3: "True Colors"
Listened to at Dunkin Donuts somewhere in New Jersey
Yes, this is the 1986 Cyndi Lauper song, already covered by Phil Collins, Karyn White, Faith Evans, David Archuleta, JC Chasez, Ane Brun, Aztec Camera and All Time Low. Does Robin put a new, unique spin on this covered favorite? Nope! Robin's nasal passages were obviously cleared out completely beforehand so that she could deliver Cyndi's melody 100% straight through her nose.
Track rating: F
Track 4: "Better Than Me"
Listened to on the NYC "S" Train from Grand Central Terminal to Times Square
Gentle guitar strumming intros this song, and here are some of the lyrics:
this is what I'm going to work on
this is what I'm going to try
to take my faults and all my flaws
and fight to make them right
it's a lifelong competition
it's a struggle that never ends
but I've gotta believe that one day that I could be... better than me.
Fuckin' humility and looking to personal growth, man. That is the fucking SHIT. The fact that I spotted IRON MAN TONY STARK was an added bonus.
Track rating: A+
Track 5: "Slow It Up (featuring Keb' Mo')"
Listened to in Times Square, NYC
I just happened to listen to this breezy, jazzy number in the dead center of the busiest part of the busiest city in the world, but it worked. Robin and Keb' Mo's voices complement each other nicely, and the tempo is lively without being aggro (thus the title, duh).
slow it up
wind it down
let's go where there's no other soul around
take our time / take it in
what's the rush
slow it up
Nice sentiment, but pretty disingenuous coming from the morning host of a fucking 24 hour news network that does the exact opposite of slowing it down and taking it in.
Track rating: F
Track 6: "I Won't Back Down"
Listened to near a group of touring Boy Scouts
Robin takes a crack at this Tom Petty song. She should back down.
Track rating: F
Track 7: "Your Glory Days"
Listened to on the New Jersey Transit Train (Gladstone Line)
Piano intro this time! But I fell asleep before the second verse.
Track rating: F
Track 8: "This Just In"
Listened to at home in Jersey during the Indian neighbors' Jalwa ceremony next door
What is Jalwa, you ask? Well, my friend, it's a Rajasthani traditional ceremony ushering the young man of a family into adulthood. The family priest is invited to the home to perform the ceremony. He recites mantras from the Vedas and gives his blessings to the child. The family deity is also worshipped, and the young man is often named after a god or goddess. The women of the family and the locality assemble, sing songs and offer good wishes to the young man.
With regards to Robin's song "This Just In," it's crap:
you're never going to have to be alone again
if love is a game, then baby you win
this just in / this just in
here's the headline / here's the news (GET IT?!)
love shows up when it wants to
you make your plans, then out of the blue
boy meets girl and her dream comes true
Track rating: F
Track 9: "Get Up"
Listened to in the middle of a NJ softball diamond
I was actually surprised with the instrumentational choices with this one: bloodcurdling screams over the sound of someone defecating into a washtub. With banjo music and the following lyrics:
get up
it ain't hard as it sounds
get up
we only get one go around
get up
This is another one of those "GET IT?!" tracks. Robin's on a morning show, so "get up," see?
Track rating: F-
Track 10: "The Dance"
Listened to in the middle of a football stadium in Vancouver, BC
The opening piano chords of this song sort of resemble "Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now)" by Phil Collins. Then Robin starts singing and I get all depressed about how lucky the deaf are.
holding you
I have everything
for the moment
wasn't I the queen
but if I had only known
how the queen would fall
hey, who's to say
you know I know I might have changed it all
my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
but I'd have had to miss
the dance
Track rating: F
Track 11: "There's You"
Listened to in the baggage carousel at Laguardia Airport AND in front of FOX NEWS
There's a reason I listened to this track at two different locations. The first time I listened to it at the baggage claim at LGA, my ears hurt so badly that I missed my suitcase and ended up wearing boxer shorts as outside shorts for a week. The second time I listened to it outside of Fox News channel owner News Corporation to really concentrate on the lyrics and put a possible anti-liberal spin on it.
Hey, wait a minute! Is that Fox News Channel's evening talk show co-host and general shithead Eric Bolling taking a texting break?
Here's why I just referred to him as a shithead:
But again, we're getting away from the music track review. Robin does some earnest attempts at yodeling, drawing out "there's yoooooo-oooou" and it sounds like donkey sex. There's nothing pleasant about this- you can imagine. Even if you love donkey sex. Even if Eric Bolling likes donkey sex, which is not what I'm saying.
Track review: F
Track 12: "I'll Stand By You," a.k.a. "Thank Christ It's Almost Over"
Listened to in a duck pond
Is this Pretenders cover song a life-affirming testament to friendship or a big "fuck you" to the country music recording industry? The fact that Carrie Underwood already successfully recorded this song makes me think the latter.
It sounds like Robin is singing directly to Carrie Underwood, telling her she's going to stand next to her in the hopes of soaking in the spotlight- even for a moment- to prove that she's more than a pretty face on Headline News, and that Nashville and Branson, Missouri can suck her dick if they want to pigeonhole her.
Track rating: F
Overall CD rating: D + C + F + A+ F + F + F + F + F + F + F + F = F
1 comment:
I think I love you.
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