How's This For A Depressing Piece of Junk Mail

Man, there are so many perks to being Catholic. Like the inherent cultural guilt. Or the forty or so odd confirmation ceremonies you have to endure before you're an "adult." Or getting on the mailing list of the Archdiocese of Newark so you receive junk mail for mausoleum plots. 

I got this lovely full-color brochure for the "beautiful and majestic" Gate of Heaven Chapel Mausoleum just last week, and I gotta say, if I hadn't watched "Phantasm" back in the day, I'd consider chucking my corpse in one of those dresser drawers. No I wouldn't.  

I guess the most interesting part of the brochure is the "0% interest financing," which means this bad boy is probably pretty expensive. I guess it either teaches young people the value of saving all the way up till they grow up and croak or gives dying people the opportunity to really stick some serious debt to their loved ones. Because fuck them. Especially Nancy.

(Don't think that it escaped me that the two previous jokes centered around Germans.)

Stay tuned as I come around to downloading the mobile app to see what the heck that thing does. Because I'm curious now. Can you talk to the dead with it? Does it offer human remains Instagram filters? Does it track the police so you and your teen girlfriend can get it on under the gazebo?