Lobsterfest® seems to pop up at the least convenient time for people– when you're doing your taxes, when you've been caught shoplifting, or when you just murdered your high school guidance counselor. Still, here at Red Lobster, it's our commitment to serving this lobster stuff to you no matter what, so you just better recognize and show the fuck up. This newest batch of savory ways to enjoy lobster have been submitted by guest servers Andrew, Vince, Megan and Shaleah:
• At Red Lobster, we know that respecting the ancestors of lobsters is an important thing. Before these lobsters are consumed in fits of glorious gluttonousness (and with tasty rolls and possible sprinkle cookie desserts!), we allow our lobsters to steal old lobster shells from the tables and burn them in an effigy of sorts. And that’s a rather confusing and possibly nonsensical way to enjoy Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!
• In the interest of all fairness and impartiality, for one weekend every second month, we invite the local lobster contingency to sit around our largest oak family dining table and eat a human. We also distribute bibs with humans on them so the lobsters can have a sanitary dining experience. Following the meal, everyone gets wafers. And that’s a pretty darn fair way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• In addition to being a family restaurant, we at Red Lobster consider the lobster sacred. Almost like a deity. But not quite, since we serve copious amounts daily and our livelihood depends on customers eating them. Nevertheless, we sometimes, without warning, encourage diners to wear rubber bands on their hands to honor lobsters—beginning with the kitchen staff and franchise general manager. We find it’s easy to pressure everyone into doing something when we do it first and then bother you when we bring you your bread but before we bring you your lobster. And that’s just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• By insisting customers have a sunburn in order to eat our lobster at our restaurant, we once again attempt to respect the great snapping sea-beast while at the time eating them ravenously. What a buttery moral dilemma! And that’s just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• Everyone at Olive Garden dips their bread sticks in butter, then storms Red Lobster in excitement. It’s like holding a staff from a position of authority. We’re talking kings and horsemen, archdukes and sailors, but sailors who want to be from an earlier period where women stayed home and men ate more fish than is medically recommended! And that’s just ANOTHER way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
(BONUS JOKE: FROM VINCE)
What did one male lobster say to the other male lobster when they were on the prowl?
Hey, ready to get some lobster tail?
Editor's Note: after sending these entries, Andrew wrote: "for some reason, many of these were based on some sort of lobster affirmative action, I now realize."
Also, Vince has been awarded the Onyx Mollusk Award at the bottom of this page for submitting a bonus joke.
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