UAG

An IM Convo With Vince

If you don't know what Blue Waffle is, then you definitely do not want to visit "Blue Waffle dot net." You really, really don't want to. I've warned you.

Let's Apply Generous Amounts of Salt To the EADJ Mail Sack Even Though Our Doctor Warned Us Against Too Much Sodium In Our Diet!

Submitted by Chris Stoltz a photo via text message:

"Last night some guy drove onto our agency's parking lot gate. lol."

Old Joel and The Dick

Joel set out on his trawler early, the morning mist breaking along the front of his boat like cotton along a craggy knife. Once he reached the middle of the bay, Joel cut the motor and limped to the stern.

"Dick, where are you?" Joel muttered to himself as he took a puff from his pipe.

He lowered the anchor and looked out on the bay. Nothing but mist and the echoing sound of geese. He looked down at the stump that used to be his right leg and cursed.

"I'm going to get that big white dick someday," he growled. The boat stopped drifting once the anchor's rope grew taut. The sun had finally peeked out over the east, throwing harpoons of light through the mist and causing Joel to squint his one good eye.

Joel rolled the nets out, one by one, into the grey waters. For weeks now they'd come up with tuna, salmon and the occasional carp, but never with anything for him to eat. Joel was waiting for dick. The big white dick.

To read the rest of this harrowing tale of man versus dick, subscribe today to the Saturday Evening Post.

Well, Lookee Here- Another Off-Brand T.P. Roundup!

Well, apparently the EADJ filing system needs improvement, because we just happened upon a folder of enough off brand T.P. photos to rustle together an actual entry. Go figure.


Off Brand Name: Renew
Graphic/Design on Label: Leaves (very telling of the texture)
Type of Sears Tool It Feels Like When Wiping With: Craftsman belt sander


Off Brand Name: Renature Bathroom Tissue (get it?)
Graphic/Design on Label: Maple leaf border surrounding a sketch of a pine tree that looks like it was drawn by someone sticking a Sharpie up their ass.
Which of the Seven Dwarves This T.P. Would Be: Grumpy


Off Brand Name: Genuine Joe Bath Absorbent Tissue
Graphic/Design on Label: Abstract janitor-looking guy with a red spray bottle(?!?!??!)
Breed of Cat That Would Appreciate This Paper: Cornish Rex


Off Brand Name: 'S' Quality Bathroom Tissue
Graphic/Design on Label: Big Blue 'S'
Physical Characteristics of Someone After Using This Paper Big Blue 'S'

UAG

A Few Words on "Dream Words"

Well, I call them "dream words" because I don't know what else they're called. But they're any household object that has an inspirational, generic word like "HOPE" or "FRIENDS" or "HEART" or whatever. The intent is to decorate your home with these tchotchkes in order to literally fill the house with love. The actual result is that you've made your home 500% more irritating.


Cuz let's break this shit down for what it is– it's basically aspirational in nature. Someone is littering their house with this in order to remind loved ones that this is a "house of love." And all in a very passive aggressive way, with a paperweight that says "HONOR" or a hallway plaque that says "SHARE." It's really the decorating equivalent of leaving naggy, needy Post-Its everywhere.


Now, I understand if you're a 14-year old girl, this type of stuff is fun and goofy. So a pink alarm clock that says "TIME FOR FUN!" on it is pretty standard for that age. But when 50-year old women strew heart-shaped rocks with the word "HOPE" on it in their gardens, it reeks of tackiness and fart moustaches.



A far darker possibility for having these around is that they are somehow substitutes for actual familial affection. Or that they're for people who have grown old and don't have anyone around anymore. Possibilities that are too sad to even begin joking about on this blog. I mean, we just wrote "fart moustaches" earlier, for crying out loud.


So old biddies and chicks with no taste are welcome to continue buying these horrible things at Hallmark Stores, Bed Bath & Beyonds, and Cracker Barrels. And I will continue smashing them in their homes and blaming it on their cats.