EADJ Program Note

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EADJ Album Artwork Project, Music Revealed

So, yesterday Andrew and Michelle guessed what some bands sounded like based on the album artwork. Here we evaluate how well they guessed in a little EADJ listening party.


Album #1: "It's Hard To Be A Diamond In A Rhinstone (sic) World" by Blood On the Dance Floor
Track: "Save the Rave"


Michelle and Andrew had both used the word "slinky" to describe the music. Uncanny!

Andrew: "Yep, slinky sounds are definitely there. Chipmunking it up. Sounds like horses dry heaving. I was spot on with this one."



Album #2: "It's Always Gully In Philadelphia, Season 3" by Various

Track: "Gun You Down Tonight" by Cassidy



Michelle had assumed too much about this one. She was somehow thinking this would be socially conscious rap, sort of Arrested Development meets N.W.A. But Andrew being the hip-hop connoisseur that he is (he just saw the Rock The Bells show on the west coast), detected something more expected. Also, maybe the bullet holes tipped him off.


Album #3: "Demo" by Slow Motion Noise

Track: "Hope and a Reason (Demo)"



Michelle: "Awful Autotune! So terrible and derivative... I never would have gone that way with them."

Andrew: "Couldn’t listen to more than 20 seconds. Makes me think of that picture of those 20 extra tan jersey douchebags at the club."


Album #4: "Hooked On Ebonics" by Radiobaghdad

Track: "Poor Flipper"



Both Andrew and Michelle were thrown by the artwork on this one. So much that they guessed an entire genre off.

Andrew: "Wow, was I off. Not jamerican in any way. Not homophobic either. I think he said something about whales or manatees, which deserves points. In short, rawr rawr rawr."

Michelle: "Yeah. I was totally off on that one. It's way more punk..."



Album #5: "Beat Kids" by Beat Kids

Track: "Who The Fuck Is Joey Fenton?"



Andrew: "Voice sounds like poop. Typical guitars. Seems like they want to be an odd Matchbox 20-Rancid mash up. Nast."

Michelle: "Actually, the Beat Kids one sounds a lot like I thought it would..."



Album #6: "The Undislodgable Nugget Scenario" by Super Fun Happy Slide

Track: "Revenge of the Afterstench"



Michelle: "I love the name Revenge of the Afterstench! And that it sounds like a bullfrog puking!"

Andrew: "My biggest regret in life may be that I never reviewed this previously to match up with what I write here. They are fucking beastly. Literally, I think it is a horde of mammals with tails and matted fur."

EADJ Album Artwork Project

Here's a new segment: we send some unknown album artwork to friends and ask them to predict what the music sounds like based on the cover alone. We then send them mp3's from those albums to see how well they did. S'fun!


We recruited the help of Balls in Chicago and Andrew Gall in Seattle. Here are their impressions based purely on the album artwork:

Album #1: Blood On the Dancefloor (aka BOTDF) "It's Hard To Be a Diamond In a Rhinstone (sic) World"


Michelle: "A true pioneer in the eastern-bloc pop music scene. Botof takes up where Avril Lavigne left off and adds a slinky, dark edge to it. Simply stated, it's self-absorbed, pop-punk with a vague death wish."

Andrew: "Her (his?) sound is like a group of slinkies going down the stairs (alone or in pairs, no less), with a backing track that is a bit techno and a bit like an overweight man belching, mixed with the unmistakable sound of lily white asscrack. For some reason I am also visualizing the sound a gun turret makes."


Album #2: Various Artists "It's Always Gully In Philadelphia, Season 3"


Michelle: "Gritty, gangster hip-hop with a socially conscious twist. Heavy, trigger-happy beats paired up with grisly, raw raps capture the struggles of thug life in South Philly. This is hardcore, bitches."

Andrew: "I have to admit, this did make me chuckle a little bit. As humorous as the concept itself may be, these guys seem like your typical mealy-mouthed gun talk MCs, rapping things like “nickel bag” with “jag” and posturing with a .44 in their pants all the while. For some reason I feel like the one second from the right has the most raw skills. They’re also likely to rap over some oversampled tracks, like “Between the Sheets” by the Isley Brothers or something by Wham. Needs improvement."


Album #3: Slow Motion Noise, Demo

*This is actually a band photo, not an album cover


Michelle: "This band proves themselves to be Christian music's answer to Coldplay. Their meaningful, deft lyrics expound on themes of forgiveness and spiritual wandering. Their soaring, anthemic, guitar melodies make this a praise-worthy effort."

Andrew: "Weird dudes with fat guy whose arms are folded- This band is a myriad of problems. The guy on the left can’t get a girl, the two in the middle would be more popular on their own, and the drummer (the guy on the right) ruins most of their live shows by sweating through his t-shirts and blasting mid-set burrito farts. Plus, they haven’t really figured out their sound yet. They sound vaguely Swedish."



Album #4: Radiobaghdad, "Hooked On Ebonics"


Michelle: "Post-modern, avant-garde duo Radiobagdad gives an ironic tip-of-the-hat to 90s old skool hip-hop genre. Their detached, eurotrash vocals and elastic, synthesized beats are persuasive and taught. It's the adventurous fusion of their krautrock influences with more urban rhythms that shake up the aural status-quo and defy classification."

Andrew: "Contrary to first impulse, these guys are actually a dancehall group. They’re your typical reggae homophobes, featuring tracks like “No way, gay” and “hopeless homo”, but they do have the potential to shine. Decent beats save this one. Top 40 crossover potential."


Album #5: Beat Kids, Self-Titled


Michelle: "Bratty, and at times lyrically adolescent, this band really stands out in the sea of indie-popsters. Bright, unrestrained, with shades of so-cal punk influence, their music is as high-velocity as it is danceable."

Andrew: "The most potential of an otherwise inauspicious group of musical artists. The green slime which contains bones, an eyeball, and possibly shoes belies the genius pairing of four plain white tees, a plaid sweater, and some vicious, vicious britpop. The guy on the left is the lead singer, and his balls are far more overworked than yours. The other four mainly dance around and sometimes wrestle each other. In short, this sounds like the future."


Album #6: Super Fun Happy Slide, "The Undislodgable Nugget Scenario"


Michelle: "A perfect combination of ham-fisted, bare-knuckled guitar riffs, highly-caustic, mutating vocals, and reckless drum beats. This release will literally bludgeon your ass."

Andrew: (Due to a clerical error on EADJ's part, Andrew was not sent this album cover and does not have an entry for this one. Totally my bad.)


NEXT ENTRY: What the bands sound like!

An EADJ Classic Clip

This clip is from March, 2006. Michelle Litos demonstrates the unexplained drift of the center pleat on her left jean leg after only a few steps.

Smecial Dreams Interpretations Entry!

"I dreamed last night that I was working at C-K again, and Marshall called me personally to ask me to come back but said I had to respond quickly if I wanted the job."

-Andrew Gall


----------


What could Andrew's dream mean? We asked some experts:

"Andrew’s latent homosexual attraction to Marshall is once again rearing its ugly head in his dreams." -M. Litos

"Mommy issues." -L. Liss

"I think Andrew is suppressing a desire to return to C-K, as well as a desire to vigorously make out with this Marshall lady. But I sense that his present circumstances are better for him in the long run, as suggested by the ultimatum laid upon him and the fact that Ms. Marshall is apparently a man." -T. Weingard

"Andrew clearly had fried chicken flavored Rosatti's pizza prior to bedtime." -N. Baker

"He struggles with many important decisions in his life and is not sure of his current path." - B. Sherman

"Hmmmm...if he's already back at C-K working, then Marshall's request to "come back" must refer to something other than work... What kind of "job" was Marshall offering? I'm not suggesting anything lurid, but actually I am Andrew wants his penis inside Marshall's mouth." -J. Thomas


BONUS: Raven Symone's iTunes Playlist!

Dog + Balls

(pictured above, Michelle Litos moonlights. Moonlitos?)

Let's Lift the Unwashed Flap of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Forwarded by Jessica Foster:

From: Michelle Litos
Date: Tue, 05 Feb 2008 09:23:50 -0600
To: #CHI_CREATIVE <#CHI_CRXATIVE@C-K.com>
Conversation: Important!
Subject: Important!

I have two pazcki at my desk right now. If you know what this is, I don't need to explain why you have to come over and get one now. For the love of God, please don't let me eat another one.

-Michelle






Happy Ash Wednesday!

Wedding Tips: With Special Guest, Michelle!

Jessica and Balls sort of answer a question from Rick in Detroit. Sort of.

Let's Slap the Bottom of the EADJ Mail Sack in the Heat of Passion and Call It the Wrong Name!

Submitted by Michelle Litos via IM:

"Changing the conversation" was mentioned a total of 25 times during the C-K extravanza. Really....Larry and I counted. Then Larry heard it so much, he just stopped. But I kept going. Joel Curran was the only one that used the term "360"... Thank God... I was told someone else counted 29...but I was only counting the actual phrase. there was some variations. mostly adding another word into the phrase..."

And here are some results from Googling the phrase "Changing the Conversation:"

The Dickside Chats, Part One (Entry #396)

In commemoration of the upcoming EADJ Entry #400, Eat A Dick Joel has asked Seattle reporter Andrew Gall to sit down and interview Joel himself on his views, thoughts, and general feedback on this eponymous blog. This is part one of a very special, very intimate series:

Andrew: Ladies and gentleman, I find myself in a very special place today--conversing with Joel himself on the eve of historic post #400. Joel, to start things off: did you ever imagine that things would reach this apex? I mean, we've been through everything from you eating dick to chimp servants to tyanna to you eating additional dick to corner bakery table tent workouts to you eating mondo dick to utilizing watches "for scale." Did you ever imagine the "legs" that EADJ has exhibited, and is there any reason NOT to expect things to continue unabated?

Joel: Did I imagine EADJ having "legs"? Well, perhaps a third one. I'm here all week! Try the veal! Seriously, Giles--can I call you Giles? You misuse the word "apex": I think this website has only just begun to live. White lace and promises. A kiss for luck and we're on our way.

Andrew: Alright. My apologies for the grammar snafu. Let’s keep going. Many loyal readers and non-dick-eating featured subjects or bit players on EADJ have at one time or another been contacted as a result of being located on the blog. Michelle’s stalker that looks like David comes to mind. What do you think are the ramifications of being able to track down someone via EADJ? Have we stumbled upon a new, streamlined process for finding people? Is it dangerous? What would Dean Hacohen say? Is it hard to talk with a dick constantly in your mouth?

Joel: Longer questions aren't better questions, Brent. You're not giving me a dick. Goodnight! And tip your servers! I think it's important that EADJ constantly destroys itself, to rise again as something new, and relevant. The dominant paradigm ensures in its victory its own destruction. So, too, must EADJ evolve past just dicks in my mouth. As for what Dean Hacohen would say, I think it would be, "Are you gonna finish that?" And I'd say, "Yes Dean, I am. Stop asking."

Keep reading in the coming days for more of "The Dickside Chats."

(pictured above, Andrew's Dad checks out the latest "Savage Love")

♥♥♥ EADJ Connections, Part 4 ♥♥♥

Today, Ayana contacted the EADJ offices in New York to report an EADJ connection: that a C-K candidate forgot her last name, googled "Ayana" and "Cramer-Krasselt," and found Ayana looking at a Goatse from our October 2 entry!

"Hysterical. If you google me, there's a giant shot of an ANUS that I'm looking at!!! Love it." Ayana added.

Good sleuthing, potential C-K replacement for Ranee Wu!

Also today, Michelle Litos reported that her old classmate who had found her through EADJ had just contacted her through Facebook, another stalker's wonderland:



The super-weird thing, though, is that the dude sort of resembles EADJ Editor David Estoye, but with a winning smile and dimples:


What's with the grocery store roses? And is that motherfucker wearing a cape? Weirdo.

Michelle could not confirm the whereabouts of Karen, Sandy or Melanie.

These latest EADJ connections confirm a widely held belief that through the combined forces of Google and Eat a Dick Joel, anyone can find a photo of anyone else taking a poop. Thanks, technology!

***UPDATE*** It is possible, however unconfirmed, that Michelle's college friend is actually Lestat, the famous vampire from the Anne Rice novels.

Smecial Dreams Entry!

"I had a dream last night that Jen Stankovic was a fire marshall and she was leading a bunch of people downstairs...Weird."
-Michelle Litos

"I had a dream last night that Marshall was yelling at me. Jesus."
-Andrew Gall

"Ranee Wu had a dream about me in a thong. HOT."
-David Estoye

"I had a dream about John Carstens criticizing my ceilings."
-Marshall Ross

"I have never seen the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson."
-Vince Soliven

(pictured above, while Vince tries to decide between chicken and barbacoa burrito bowls for the 800th time, I'm wondering what would wash down goat curry best.

EADJ: The People Connector

(pictured above, the first sign that a date ain't going so hot)

We've always known that the influence of the Eat a Dick Joel blog has been far-reaching, but we had no idea how it could actually reunite long-lost acquaintances. There have been two of these "EADJ Encounters" reported as of this writing:

A certain party nicknamed "Balls" who has asked to remain anonymous, although her real name is Michelle Litos, reported that some dude from college tracked her down by Googling her, finding her name on the blog, and then writing to the EADJ administrator to get her email address. This remarkable tenacity can only be described as EXTREMELY FUCKING CREEPY.

Another anonymous reader who we'll call "Mister Gall" told EADJ that some random guy contacted him on his myspace page with the subject line "Tava Smiley is hotter, barely." This can only mean that the reader tracked down Andrew through the EADJ entry from just two days ago!

The cultural influences of EADJ are vast and immeasurable. So to those of you who went to college with Lauren Fontinel and would like to stalk her, you can actually write to her at lfontinel@c-k.com or mail her at:

Lauren Fontinel
c/o Cramer-Krasselt
225 North Michigan
24th Floor, Team Brownie
Chicago, IL 60601
(312)616-9600

Cheers, stalkers!


***SUPER-RELEVANT SEXUAL PREDATOR UPDATE***
Ranee Wu has just reported that a couple of people, including some dude she used to date, found her through the blog. "weird. it's creepy because you know they google our names," she wrote without using caps.

Ready or Not, Here I Dick

In an attempt to attract more Joel-like diners, Perkins Family Restaurants around the country are now offering dick in many of their entreés.

Their open-faced turkey sandwich has replaced their traditional cranberry sauce with diced dick, and the fisherman's hoagie, which once had lettuce and tartar sauce, now has dick. On their breakfast menu, they have completely dropped smoked kielbasa sausage from the offerings to make room for plenty of dick.

The decor of the restaurants have changed, also. The once country-like and homey interiors are now very Joel-friendly, with blank sheets of screenplay paper on the walls and countless photos of Asian women.

Quite a gamble for a traditional family restaurant, but what the fuck, right.

(pictured above, La Bamba on Halsted promises "Burritos As Big As Your Head In Rear.")

**URGENT UPDATE** Balls has just reported to EADJ that at Burrito Beach today, she spotted "A Tanner, More Sinister Version Of Brad Harvey."

Theories Abound.

After seeing the Shorter AND EVEN FATTER Version of Scott Peterson from the other day, Michelle suggests the possibility of an inverse relationship between "fatter" and "version of Scott Peterson."

The SFVOSP: A Philosophical Conundrum

Sometime last week, Balls spotted the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson. She was not completely surprised by seeing him, since she had spotted the enigmatic Mr. Wood before, but what really struck her this time was how much weight the SFVOSP had seemed to have gained.

So much weight, in fact, that she didn't think it even resembled Scott Peterson anymore.

This begs the question: How short and fat is TOO short or too fat and still resemble Scott Peterson? At what point is a doppelganger taken so far as to break any connection to its double? We asked the descendents of some of history's greatest philosophers what they thought of the conundrum:

"I don't understand the question."
Craig Descartes,
Assistant Manager at Chili's Express

"No one can ever be too fat to resemble someone else. No wait, yes they can, right?"
Katie Aristotle
Work-at-home mother

"This conundrum is probably the fault of Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama."
Brit Hume
Fox News Anchor

"I like turtles."
Andrew Descartes Gall, referencing something only a few people get.

(pictured above, the gloriously expensive new peepee and poopoo rooms at Cramer-Krasselt, which will necessitate another cheapie Christmas party at Hard Rock Hotel this year)

Summer Reading. Some Sweating.

Unfortunate Logo of the Month

There's not exactly a plethora of vaj in a blog named "Eat a Dick, Joel," so it's always refreshing to find a nice slit or tomahawk wound when it wanders through our doors. But what's disturbing about this unfortunate logo is that the cooter looks propped open with chopsticks.

But maybe that's just the dirty minds of the EADJ editing staff. What did other people in the office have to say?

A "G" is born. -Larry

Cool but meaningless and dated. 2001 -Matt Webb

Someone really needs a trim down there. -Michelle Litos, who probably has used her ginormous box of Brazilian wax by now (see all of the May 3 entries)

Is this the e-vite for Boblett and Brad's going away party???? -Lauren F

Those 3 horizontal rectangular shapes might look nice Feeling like those arc shapes, top one going up, bottom One going down, and the center one emulating the center Shape (with the "G") but rotate 90 degrees and 1/4 as fat. Move the 2 dots around the "THE" and replace the arrows. - The always professional Andrea Park

Educational material for men of all ages. Prodding sticks, not included. - Nikki Baker, whose train keeps rollin'

A yonic logo to match a high class bar, unlike Cans. -J'Net

And what do you think of the logo, Pewter Bear?


Fuck off, Pewter Bear. You don't know shit.

The Michelle-a-thon Continues...

(pictured above, Todd gets in on the action. Click on the photo to see Todd's really stupid smirk)

Brazilian Wax On and Off Again

(per an anonymous EADJ reader's request, a reshoot of the previous Mongo Brazilian Wax photo)