EADJ: Where Are They Now? Entry 2

 Previous "Where Are They Now?" entry here.

Former 80s swimsuit model Ginger Cuts left the world of fashion to get married and start her own Etsy velcro patch empire. She is currently the reigning queen of unlicensed Ghostbusters PVC patches. 

Vigoro Mulch walked away from a rising career in Hollywood as a leading man and action star to start a pony farm in West Virginia. He currently lives in a cabin with no toilet but with four above-ground pools.

Whatever happened to Chakra Reiki? Her bestselling children's spiritual books are still sold worldwide, but Chakra doesn't collect any royalties. She now runs one of those bars where you throw axes at a wall, and apparently business is doing pretty well. 

Taveta Golden Weaver was widely known as the crown princess of YouTube life hacks, but she got bored after 1 year and is now a Formula 1 racer, having almost placed in the Spanish Grand Prix and is getting ready for the Emilia Romagna GP. We wish her luck!

Herb Stripper was a moderately successful prop comic in the 90s and is credited for creating the "balloons-for-balls" gag that every comic uses nowadays. These days, Herb has taught himself how to pour fancy resin end tables for rich clients. He still performs when he's drunk.

Parabolic Troffer peaked in the NFL with the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2003, having a reputation as a tight end capable of being a dynamic receiver—especially down the field when playing with a franchise quarterback—but that quality came with an inability to handle the blocking demands of the position and with a reputation for dropping passes. Troffer now sings soprano in his church choir and sells his autograph on eBay.

Potty Peg used to be the bitch who picked on you in middle school. Now she's Vice President of a venture capital consortium that just bought out the company you work for—and you're fired. POTTY PEG!

Some More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

Previous entry here.

Charles: "Aw man. That was my favorite Caribou Coffee location."

Dexie: "Run from the comets! All of them! RUUUUUUUNNN!"

Vince Offer: "You’re going to be in a great mood all day because you’re going to be slapping your troubles away with the Slap Chop!"

Ted (lighting a cigarette): "So you're my daughter or something?"

Candace: "I guess so."

Ted: "Well, shit."

Sylvester Stallone's character: [Some self-aware dialogue that clues you in that he realizes he's Rocky Balboa and/or self-effacing humor about the way he talks]

Robert De Niro's character: [Some self-aware dialogue that clues you in that he realizes he's played Jack LaMotta, Travis Bickle, and Al Capone. Also, the mandatory "You talking' to me?" line]

Ethan: "Wait a minute. There's an ACTUAL alien invasion, and the aliens' only weakness is laser beams, and the only people that can stop them are people with laser tag guns like us?"

Hamas: "Yeah, us and grocery store clerks with scanners. And anyone with laser pointers."

Mrs. Dott (taking off her skin-tight yoga pants): You boys don't mind if I do some yoga nude, do you?

Gregory: "Whooaaah mama!"

Vic: "Hubba hubba hubba! Lookit that bush!"

James: "That's my mom, but I'm totally erect! WTF!"

Contractor: "...and here on page 3, in section 45A, you need to initial here, here, and here, and then sign your full name at the bottom. Here's a pen. Today's date is August 18."

Amber: "You need to find the PERFECT MAN, Mom!"

Terri: "Yeah, Mom, although you've singlehandedly raised us alone since birth, you need the presence of a MAN in the house to validate us as a complete family!"

Mom: "Oh, you kids with your outmoded societal ideals of patriarchal authority! I love you!"

Blackberry Face, Celebrity Lookalike Edition

This week, the EADJ Gallery was notified of a possible addition (or additions) to their vaunted "Blackberry Face" collection, now currently on display at the Serpentine Gallery in London.  The items in question were captured on a NJ Transit train and sent in with the heading "Kevin Bacon Blackberry Face?" See the entries below:

The resemblance is noticeable. And our gallery has confirmed that yes, the lookalike is sporting a true "Blackberry Face."

But as impressive and exquisite as this latest find is, the EADJ Gallery unfortunately cannot add "Kevin*" to their collection solely based upon its resemblance to a Hollywood actor. Although such an addition would invite stimulating new commentary on the entertainment industry and its role in pop culture, that is not the purpose of the Blackberry Face show. It is to the discretion of the gallery curators whether a piece is worthy of inclusion in this growing collection, and unfortunately "Kevin*" does not make the cut.

The current show at the Serpentine Gallery in London will run until April 18. Tickets are £10 (£5 for members) and can be purchased online or at the box office. Children under 5 are free but must be accompanied by an adult. No strollers.

:C

The Second Best Photo I've Ever Taken

I snapped this photo on the NJ Transit train last night.
I've titled this "The 2 Kinds of Men."


Here is my previous favorite photo.

But just as a reminder, here is the GREATEST PHOTO I'VE EVER TAKEN:

Advertising Tip of the Day

When concepting at a restaurant, make sure you ask if their refills are free. Dammit.

Squeaking Out a Late Entry

Yeah I can't believe I didn't see this one before, either.

THE BIG BANG THEORY

The Players: Dorktastic skinny bug-eyed dude, Amanda-Bynes-type blondie, and helladork with unforgivably bad hair.

'Who Farted' Factor: 10 out of 10. Skinny dude is totally appalled at ass being dropped behind him. Helladork is about to call blondie out, but she doesn't even start to protest. "Yeah, that's right, bitches. I farted." Was a 9 out of 10 until I realized the goddamned TITLE.

Most Likely Fart Suspect: Blondie! Yay, equal rights!

EADJ: The People Connector

(pictured above, the first sign that a date ain't going so hot)

We've always known that the influence of the Eat a Dick Joel blog has been far-reaching, but we had no idea how it could actually reunite long-lost acquaintances. There have been two of these "EADJ Encounters" reported as of this writing:

A certain party nicknamed "Balls" who has asked to remain anonymous, although her real name is Michelle Litos, reported that some dude from college tracked her down by Googling her, finding her name on the blog, and then writing to the EADJ administrator to get her email address. This remarkable tenacity can only be described as EXTREMELY FUCKING CREEPY.

Another anonymous reader who we'll call "Mister Gall" told EADJ that some random guy contacted him on his myspace page with the subject line "Tava Smiley is hotter, barely." This can only mean that the reader tracked down Andrew through the EADJ entry from just two days ago!

The cultural influences of EADJ are vast and immeasurable. So to those of you who went to college with Lauren Fontinel and would like to stalk her, you can actually write to her at lfontinel@c-k.com or mail her at:

Lauren Fontinel
c/o Cramer-Krasselt
225 North Michigan
24th Floor, Team Brownie
Chicago, IL 60601
(312)616-9600

Cheers, stalkers!


***SUPER-RELEVANT SEXUAL PREDATOR UPDATE***
Ranee Wu has just reported that a couple of people, including some dude she used to date, found her through the blog. "weird. it's creepy because you know they google our names," she wrote without using caps.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Tongue

Thursday is typically a difficult day of the week for Joel. It usually involves waking up in the drunk tank at the police station, getting the dick(s) out of your mouth and finding a way to get to work– just in time– at the quarry.

(The quarry, you say? Yes, it's true. Joel has landed a full-time, steady job at the Lamisil quarry in Modesto. There he works with 4 different quarry teams, or "rock squads," who mine precious Lamisil from the quarry every day.)

Today, however, Joel didn't make it to the quarry on time and was reprimanded. The foreman didn't even let Joel touch his dick. He just bitched him out in his trailer and sent him home early. Joel was understandably crestfallen and hungry.

It's times like this that Joel is glad to have bought that chest freezer in the garage. Emergency dick storage is something he learned in home ec.

(pictured above, Lauren F gets a black tongue from either drinking too much Pepto Bismol or blowing a squid.)

UPDATE: Mystery solved!