Yikes

Spotted on FB, what I thought was a demonic claw turns out to be a fluffy carpet. Whew!

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Here's where we cover the latest (and worst) in hip hop mixtape covers:
 

bia: Do we have any concepts for the mixtape cover?

ty dolla Sign: No

bia: Wait. I got an idea!

When the eatery in your neighborhood looks this old and crappy, you know that either the food is cheap or really, really good. Probably both.

Hey, look. Google released their branded color shag carpet jackets.

Perfect. No notes.

Shitty Boyz made custom jerseys and everything but forgot the damn ball.

The Least Used Hashtags on X (Formerly Twitter)

 

X / Twitter is full of neonazis, alt-right assholes, and malignant shitbots. The site's entire content is a hailstorm (heilstorm?) of hatred, crypto scams and bad actors. So here are the least used hashtags on this now unusable social platform:

#abolishICE

#talktoawoman
#accountability
#callyourmother

#defendtheHaitians

#CharlieKirkwaskindofadouche
#dosomethinggoodtodayforsomeoneelse

#theworldsfirsttrillionaireshouldntbeanazi

#heymaybeicouldbewrongbutmaybeweshouldntbesuchfuckingracists

Smecial Dreams Entry

"Where There is No Struggle, There is No Pathmark."

Let's Check In On That Shitty Mobile Game Royal Match

Mobile game and perpetual YouTube advertiser Royal Match continues to dominate the iTunes app store as its #1 game download. People are divided as to whether it's the worst game ever or it's the worst game ever and I can't stop playing it.

 

UAG

A Short Word On the Squishy Stress Toy Bin At Staples

Good God, Staples. What in the Chernobyl shut down is going on in your stress ball display? This is supposed to be a safe shopping environment, with a friendly impulse-buy display right by the registers to offer some fun, stress-relieving tchotchkes while customers are waiting.

Instead, due to poor maintenance or cheap product design, there's a layer of gross muck sitting at the bottom of each shelf– each featuring a different ooze and texture. 

And that slop ends up on the OTHER squishies that haven't leaked yet, so the entire thing is gross and untouchable. And frankly—ironically—stressful.

FIX IT OR DO AWAY WITH IT, STAPLES.

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-November Edition

What In the Fart?

Spotted on FB: a t-shirt design that I swear doesn't make any sense:

Snoopy and Michael Jackson? WTF?

While Peanuts and MJ both have pretty big fan bases, respectively, I can't imagine who would want a shirt with both of them on it. There are like no lyrics or songs of his that mention Peanuts or Snoopy or anything related to angst-ridden, precocious kids with giant sphere heads.

The only connection I can guess is the terrible one with the allegations of Michael Jackson and children. But who would want to wear a shirt with THAT?

 

The Newest Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership

AMC has enjoyed a surge of new memberships to its Stubs program, thanks to the constant updating of new benefits for cardholders. Here are the latest new offerings for new and current Stubs members:

• Free "Smurfs" popcorn bucket from last year. We're trying to get rid of them.

• Complimentary lap-crumb-removal service at all AMC dine-in theaters

• Nicole Kidman will briefly sit with you to say "Even heartbreak feels good in a place like this."

• You like Takis? We'll have Stuart get you some Takis!

• Special vibrating seat that says "VA VA VOOM!" every time Jacob Elordi appears on screen

• Hey, you on your betting app during the movie. Shut that shit off.

• Close captioning for stupid people

• Free Dag Nasty CD we found in Theatre 3

• Special upgrade to IMAX 70mm, Dolby Surround Sound 3D screening of that terrible "Animal Farm" movie

• We'll make you a custom XL popcorn bucket if you've got 45 hours to wait for the 3D print

An Open Letter To Reese's

Hey Reese's. How's it going. 

I heard that news item about you guys changing the ingredients of some Reese's to contain less chocolate, and a bunch of people, including the grandson of the Reese's inventor, had a problem with the recipe change.

And I've noticed lately that Reese's cups seem more waxy, cheap tasting, and grosser, so I stopped buying them.

But in April, you announced that you'll go back to the recipe in 2027, which is great, but I'm not waiting 2 years for goddamned peanut butter cups.

So you can launch all the new crazy versions of Reese's cups: Reese's Marshmallow, Reese's Big Cup, Reese's OREO, whatever. But until you change that recipe back, a lot of us are gonna just eat peanut butter out of the jar.

Thanks, 

EADJ 

Spotted at a Construction Site in Maplewood

Apparently, all construction workers are required to wear antichrist ceremonial robes.

Let's Buy Up All the Rare Copies of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Mig: Meta AI thinks a dumb chat he saved as his profile pic would make for a great tattoo.

Shit. Maybe it would.

UAG

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of November 7

 

Hi everyone. Management has asked me to remind you all that timesheets are due by 5pm today, with no exceptions. That deadline is firm, and I will not be accepting late timesheets as I have a softball game at 5:30 in Saugatuck and I cannot be late for that again. For those of you who do not have job numbers yet, here are the latest open project numbers for your forms:

81723 - Fully supporting what's just been said

01154 - Feeling euphoria at the last Powerpoint slide that says "THANK YOU"

58650 - Giving credit to someone before they have a chance to steal it

51449 - Announcing a hard stop at 5pm because of a softball game in Saugatuck

88381 - Using your Belk card

The Latest Funded Kickstarter Projects

Crowdsourcing site Kickstarter has announced their latest successfully funded projects. Here are the products and projects that got the green light:

• noiseless flip flops that ultimately are no fun now

• miniature baby leopards that are like regular baby leopards in every way except that they're incredibly racist against the Dutch

• a squeezable dictionary that really doesn't want you to squeeze it

• whimsical fake mustaches that hide your very real canker sores

• STAB-SAVR: a handy budgeting app that saves you cents on the dollar every time you stab someone

Come On Down and Say Goodbye To Some Stuff Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To!

Is that Daredevil?

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! *Kiss*

A Very Philosophical Voicemail I Got The Other Day

Do you exist, Vanessa?

If Vanessa does exist, she gave this guy the wrong number. And probably for good reason. Not a lot of good guys in Mamaroneck, NY.

An Imagined Conversation

"Randall has volunteered to accompany you to the sales meeting because Randall has experience with that region. Randall grew up in that area and Randall is very familiar with that market, particularly since all of Randall's family and Randall's friends still live there. In fact, Randall would like to show you Randall's favorite diner, recently opened by Randall's 4th grade teacher. Randall says Randall's favorite dish there is Cinnamon Pear Pie, a recipe that Randall insists is very similar to the recipe that Randall's mom used to bake. Randall has shown that Randall can handle both Randall's sales items and any additional ones, so I'm letting Randall come along with you so Randall can prove Randall's-self. Thanks."