UAG

A Short Word On the Squishy Stress Toy Bin At Staples

Good God, Staples. What in the Chernobyl shut down is going on in your stress ball display? This is supposed to be a safe shopping environment, with a friendly impulse-buy display right by the registers to offer some fun, stress-relieving tchotchkes while customers are waiting.

Instead, due to poor maintenance or cheap product design, there's a layer of gross muck sitting at the bottom of each shelf– each featuring a different ooze and texture. 

And that slop ends up on the OTHER squishies that haven't leaked yet, so the entire thing is gross and untouchable. And frankly—ironically—stressful.

FIX IT OR DO AWAY WITH IT, STAPLES.

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-November Edition

What In the Fart?

Spotted on FB: a t-shirt design that I swear doesn't make any sense:

Snoopy and Michael Jackson? WTF?

While Peanuts and MJ both have pretty big fan bases, respectively, I can't imagine who would want a shirt with both of them on it. There are like no lyrics or songs of his that mention Peanuts or Snoopy or anything related to angst-ridden, precocious kids with giant sphere heads.

The only connection I can guess is the terrible one with the allegations of Michael Jackson and children. But who would want to wear a shirt with THAT?

 

The Newest Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership

AMC has enjoyed a surge of new memberships to its Stubs program, thanks to the constant updating of new benefits for cardholders. Here are the latest new offerings for new and current Stubs members:

• Free "Smurfs" popcorn bucket from last year. We're trying to get rid of them.

• Complimentary lap-crumb-removal service at all AMC dine-in theaters

• Nicole Kidman will briefly sit with you to say "Even heartbreak feels good in a place like this."

• You like Takis? We'll have Stuart get you some Takis!

• Special vibrating seat that says "VA VA VOOM!" every time Jacob Elordi appears on screen

• Hey, you on your betting app during the movie. Shut that shit off.

• Close captioning for stupid people

• Free Dag Nasty CD we found in Theatre 3

• Special upgrade to IMAX 70mm, Dolby Surround Sound 3D screening of that terrible "Animal Farm" movie

• We'll make you a custom XL popcorn bucket if you've got 45 hours to wait for the 3D print

An Open Letter To Reese's

Hey Reese's. How's it going. 

I heard that news item about you guys changing the ingredients of some Reese's to contain less chocolate, and a bunch of people, including the grandson of the Reese's inventor, had a problem with the recipe change.

And I've noticed lately that Reese's cups seem more waxy, cheap tasting, and grosser, so I stopped buying them.

But in April, you announced that you'll go back to the recipe in 2027, which is great, but I'm not waiting 2 years for goddamned peanut butter cups.

So you can launch all the new crazy versions of Reese's cups: Reese's Marshmallow, Reese's Big Cup, Reese's OREO, whatever. But until you change that recipe back, a lot of us are gonna just eat peanut butter out of the jar.

Thanks, 

EADJ 

Spotted at a Construction Site in Maplewood

Apparently, all construction workers are required to wear antichrist ceremonial robes.