Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"¿Qué paso mi branto?"

"I don't think I'll go on a date with him again. He was so handsy."

"If he becomes a Smosh necessarily before something else happens, we'd use the future anterior or future perfect tense: He will have been a Smosh by the time they became assistant coaches."

"Good morning, Satan."

"Good morning, girls. Today's lesson is about payday loans and pharmaceutical companies."

"I could go for either French or Chinese for dinner."

A Friendly Note From Those Creepy Neighbors That Want To Have A Threesome With You

Hi neighbor! We're back from our fabulous trip to the Maldives. Thanks for collecting our mail for us.

We brought you a souvenir from our exclusive water villa: the resort we stayed at had these free tiny bottles of body lotion on the bedstand. It smells of coconut and aloe, and we both thought of you!

But seriously, the Maldives are absolutely breathtaking. When we weren't making love on the dock or furiously manipulating each others' genitals by the pool, we took in the gorgeous sunrises and sunsets and just relaxed. We truly wish you were with us. Maybe next time!

Feel free to come by the house sometime so we can show you all the incredible photos we took on our phones. We might even show you some of the racy movies we recorded of each other (wink wink)! Maybe you can be our next cameraman (or subject)!

Best,

Walter and Josannah

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Eat a Prepackaged Salad

A salad kit from the supermarket is a well-intentioned but challenging way to eat healthy. Why? Because despite all the toppings and extras, it is ultimately just a bowl of bland lettuce. Here now is the optimal way to enjoy one of these prepackaged salads to the fullest: 

1) Set out all the ingredients of the salad kit. Make a quick inventory of all the packets of crunchies and dressing. Bring your own extra bottle of dressing if possible.

2) Before mixing, remember that you do not have to mix all of the ingredients at once. Set aside some of the toppings for halfway through your meal.

3) Now halfway through your salad, add the remaining packets of whatever to "spice" up the rest of your lettuce. Soon, you've successfully completed a prepackaged salad!

And speaking of prepackaged, when hiring my limousine, don't assume that everything is included in a typical rental. I charge extra for any champagne consumed or glassware that's broken. Be safe, kids!

Upcoming Feature Films Based On the Names of Cake Decorations Offered by Cold Stone Creamery

Hollywood is plum out of ideas, so it was only a matter of time till the major studios went to the nearest Cold Stone Creamery to find movie ideas within the cake decorating catalog there. Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't look there sooner. Here now are the latest greenlit projects announced by the big 5:

"Ahead of the Curve" starring Jake Johnson, Lili Reinhart, Samantha Mumba and Keke Palmer

An A+ student from the city (Palmer) is accepted into a prestigious but mostly white university where she has to overcome prejudice and racism to maintain an A average and hang out with her new bestie roommate (Reinhard). Starring Johnson and Mumba as her stern but understanding professors. Also starring Seth Rogan as the stoner dean.

"Crown & Scepter" starring Timothée Chalamet, Milly Alcock, and Liam Neeson.

This alternative history reimagines the Arthurian legends if everyone had cell phones and access to social media. King and Influencer Arthur (Chalamet) attempts to expand his follower base with silly TikTok dances and Excalibur prank videos. Featuring Neeson as Podcaster Merlin.  

"We're On Our Way!" Directed by Brad Bird. Featuring the voices of Keith David, David Keith, Mariska Hargitay and Jay Baruchel

Four migrating cranes get lost in an under construction water park and have to use their smarts and skills as a team to find their way out. Also starring Kelly Reilly as the exhausted but determined security officer.

"Enchanting Unicorn" starring Dave Franco, Ayo Edebiri, and Chloe Fineman. Directed by Taika Waititi.

A strange tanker carrying experimental psychedlic drugs crashes into a community craft fair, causing all the participants to slowly trip the fuck out as they make their crafts. Featuring a soundtrack by Goose, Turnstile and Umphrey's McGee

"Pink Baby Booties" starring McKenna Grace, Berkeley James and Olivia Cooke

A high school senior (Cooke) discovers she's pregnant, and it's up to her best friends (Grace and James) to cover up her bump until graduation. Using A.I., Instagram filters and hologram technology, they'll try to keep her pregnancy a secret! Also featuring Druski as the suspecting principal.

"Special Delivery Stork" starring McKenna Grace, Berkeley James and Olivia Cooke

In the sequel to "Pink Baby Booties", Olivia Cooke's high schooler gives birth at the graduation ceremony, and it's up to her best friends (Grace and James) to distract everyone from noticing. Featuring Druski as the very suspicious principal that no one believes.

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-October Edition

"Zitty" Yum.

The Newest Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

"Even heartbreak feels good in a place like this."

That's total bullshit, but being an AMC Stubs member does make heartbreak a little easier to bear, thanks to the latest perks and bonuses such a membership can get you. Check it out:

• You can sleep in our projection room with your friends and survive a catostrophic comet extinction because of the lead-lined walls

• Free Jujubes if you can find them

• AMC Stubs members can drive drunk in our parking lot (we are NOT responsible for DUIs off of theatre property)

• You can use the exclusive SKIP button that appears on all movie trailers

• 3D movies will have a 45% less chance of sexually assaulting you

• Members can watch up to 4 movies a week, for free! Who needs a life?

• Free lasik surgery for anyone who forgot their glasses