I Went To the Doctor's Office Recently

The receptionist was rude. The doctor was inattentive.

But at least the space heater in the examination room was friendly.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Pathmark

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

EADJ has been brought to you by Higher DOSE, the only portable red light skincare mask in the market. Take advantage of this portable technology to simultaneously improve your skin and to:

• Terrify children at the beach

• Unsettle bridge club meetings

• Both hide your identity and call attention to yourself

• Make Dr. Doom suspect you're mocking him

• Interview for a job you don't really want

• Clear a pool

• Make that bitch Mandy regret she stole your man

Double Take

A sign in Union, NJ:

I've been on computers so much that I first thought this sign said "Access Denial".

If you thought the same thing, we probably talk to each other on reddit.

Merry Christmas 2023 from EADJ!

Another year. Another holiday season is upon us. 

Peace on earth, goodwill to men.

God bless us, every blog!

Spotted at Target

Quite possibly the worst fucking idea for a FAMILY GAME that you could ever play.

A Double Take

 I was glancing at my son's math homework...

...and thought I spotted the word SLUT.

Oh. 5/6. Carry on.

Confused

A sign spotted in South Orange, NJ:

"BANS OF FOUR BODIES?" What?

EADJ Has Been Brought To You By Hug Sleep Pod

Hug Sleep Pod is the nation's best sausage casing-based way to get a good night's sleep. Made from almost entirely natural materials, the Hug Sleep Pod has been designed to constrict you to sleep, providing soothing pressure points from your ass to your forehead. Some of our satisfied customers include: Arkansas Secretary of State John Thurston, Jennifer Lawrence, Animaniac voice actor Maurice LaMarche,  Sam Bankman-Fried, Bella Hadid, and Dane Cook.

Task Chair Is Pleased

TASK CHAIR IS PLEASED TO BE FEATURED ON THE BLOG AGAIN AFTER ALMOST THREE YEARS. WHAT TOOK SO LONG.

OH LOOK. A DUTIFUL PEASANT HAS BOUGHT ME AND IN HIS HASTE TO START ON HIS TASKS, ONLY TOOK OUT MY WHEELS BUT REALIZED HE NEEDS ALL OF MY PARTS TO ACHIEVE HIS TASK DREAMS.

THERE YOU GO, PEASANT. DRAG THE REST OF ME AS YOU MARCH TO PRODUCTIVE GLORY. YOUR FIRST TASK IS TO ASSEMBLE TASK CHAIR. THEN THE REST COMES EASY. MAYBE SHOPPING FOR A NEW OUTFIT WILL BE TASK 2.

UAG

Don't Do This.

I saw this happen in the Target parking lot and could've believe it.

A woman with a toddler WALKS TOWARD a goose in the parking lot.

Let me repeat that. She WILLINGLY GOT CLOSER to a wild goose. WITH HER SMALL CHILD.

Lady, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GOOSE IN REAL LIFE BEFORE.

THEY WILL ATTACK YOU AND YOUR BABY WITHOUT REMORSE. THIS IS NOT A FUCKING PETTING ZOO. WHY ARE YOU GETTING CLOSER.

I honked my horn as a warning but I don't think the mother figured out she was in danger. And the goose was unbothered by it all, thank God. Stupid people, man.

Schedule Updates For Next Week's VidCon

Next week's VidCon is the place to be for content creators, content creator fans, and deluded fans who think they are content creators. Here are some of the featured guests this time:

• Cull Dingus, far right blogger

• performance by trans Ariana Grande impersonator and baseball player Barry-ana Bonds-ay

• Aura reader Calliope wastes everybody time

• Omegle magician GeeGee Watkins

• Former Trump Press Secretary Sean Spicer promotes his blog

• AzzyLand sits in the corner of the stage and LOUDLY REACTS to whatever's going on

Now Available on Vinyl

Limp Bizkit on pressed vinyl. For audiophiles who don't care what they're listening to.

A Delivery Spotted in Union, NJ

I hope whoever lives there comes home soon, or they'll be out a 90" TV.

You'd think they'd hide it under the welcome mat or something.

Episode Synopses For This Week's Chicago Whatever

Chicago P.D.

Nobody believes that Officer Eileen Dover is really her name. Ballistics determine that the shooting victim was killed not by a bullet but by a knife shaped like a bullet. Sara decides to tell Wally about the affair.

Chicago Med

The drink machine is out again.

Chicago Fire

Special guest star Guy Fieri comes to talk shop and cook the boys some authentic West Tennessee barbecue. A building inspector discovers a foundational flaw in the station which could be catastrophic. Gus, Tonya and Eddie fold the hoses again.

Spotted in a Boston Market Parking Lot (Don't Ask)

Some graphic art for First Choice Heating & Air Conditioning:

And I don't know if they picked the wrong photo or if the guy always looks like that, but...

"Captain Comfort" sure looks uncomfortable.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

The Latest Kickstarter Projects That Failed To Get Funded

Sometimes crowdfund projects fail to make their goals. Here are the latest Kickstarter projects that succeeded in failing:

• Comically large gynecological speculum

• Popemobile truck nuts

• Home decor that says "LIVE LAUGH LUBRICATE"

• MONOPOLY, Bitcoin Version

• Powdered shampoo? Who knows.

• Little booties for newborn shrimp

• A special bumper sticker that only Cyclops from the X-Men can read that says "HONK IF YOU LOVE JEAN GREY"

Spotted on Some Milk in Stop 'n Shop

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To HBO Max This Month

Every few weeks, HBO Max renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here are all the shows that will be added to HBO Max this month:

• Dane Cook's Jokeless Comedy Workshop

• Dr. Quinn, Not On Your Insurance

• TODAY with Hoda and the new woman who's not Kathy Lee

• Jennifer Aniston Squinches Up Her Nose

• I Love The "I Love The" Shows

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And here are the shows and movies that HBO Max is taking off their lineup this month:

• The Amazing Race War

• Storage Worse

• Besame Street

• Crimea's Got Talent

• Human Centipede: The Animated Series

More Dumb Taglines For a Dumb Movie From 2015

 

Hey, Wait a Minute...

Ronald? Somebody is moonlighting.

 

Synopses For Upcoming Episodes of Netflix's "Charlie's Colorforms City"

"Impasse"

Charlie's fake elector scheme falls apart. The Tan Council approves the demolition of the Pink Projects. The Colorforms crime rate skyrockets when the Purple Police go on strike.

"Decisions"

The Colorforms City power grid is compromised by Monochrome Terrorists. New districts are gerrymandered so that the Yellow Party stays in power. Charlie cuts off his deadbeat brother.

"Shit You Not"

Orange and Red neighbors realize they're not so different after all, but the Oranges will never forgive Reds for the damage to their property. Charlie meets with some Saudi investors to finance the Colorforms light rail. A Green sweatshop goes up in flames at the same time a nearby luxury apartment complex is announced.

UAG

An Example of Birdhouse Racism

An ad spotted on Amazon:

What's wrong with the green birdhouse? Why is it valued less if it's exactly the same besides color? Is that for the lower income birds? Separate but equal, my eye.

This Week In Chicago Whatever

 The following are episode synopses for this week:

Chicago P.D.

Criminologist Harren Walker joins the team. Kelsey can't get her locker open. Some young punks give Sgt. Dukey a new nickname. 

Chicago Med

The NICU nurses throw a party at the worst time. Theresa and Donovan bury the hatchet in the commissary. Without his glasses, Dr. Carrow sutures his fingers together.

Chicago Fire

Battalion Chief Baldwin confronts an old nemesis. Kaitlyn reveals her diagnosis to the other EMS technicians. Lieutenant Klein burns his dick off at the training center.