Info Wars Presents: Conspiracy Theories FOR KIDS

PragerU has launched programs to indoctrinate children with far right beliefs. Not to be outdone, Info Wars is announcing the following conspiracy theories directly to children:

• Your parents are withholding most of your allowance and giving it to illegals

• Slavery was just a bunch of grown ups playing farmer and boss

• What really sank the Titanic? Drag queens.

• McDonald's McFlurries are delicious because they're made with liberal tears

• Krampus is actually Nancy Pelosi

• Fidget Poppers are a gateway to queer poppers

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Process of Rotogravure

"Great question... *gah* I...ow.. I bet you're asking because of...GAH... because of that song "Easter Parade", right? LOL (choke)... Well, rotogravure is a printing sys... no, my neck... system using a rotary press with... no...  intaglio cylinders ACKKKK! typically running at, uh, high speed and m...mmm... (breathes desperately) used for long print runs of magazines and sta... sta... stamps. Whew! *dies*

Emerson, Lake, Pathmark, and Young

More Dipshit Conspiracy Theories For You Right Wing Outtatouchers

If you watch or listen to Info Wars, fuck you. Your insecurity about a changing world around you has forced you to seek the refuge of a ranting man-baby who blames everyone but himself for his problems, constructing elaborate but unlikely world scenarios so that his prejudiced, hateful mind can find some meaning. But if you cannot wait for Alex Jones's next episode, here are some upcoming conspiracy theories that you can nod your dim, mulleted head to:

• The Black Lives Matter Movement will throw you out if you brush your teeth with any toothpaste with whitening.

• Toys Я Us was closed down because Mattel had finally bent under pressure to start selling black and Latina versions of Skipper. The white backlash sunk sales and put the liberal cowards out of business.

• Ted Nugent has been denied a place in the Rock 'N Roll Hall Of Fame because he innocently called Obama a "subhuman mongrel" and threatened to kill Hillary Clinton, both statements which are well within his 1st Amendment rights and is so unfair because "Cat Scratch Fever" is a fucking classic and the libtard Deep State cucks can't take any criticism.

• That Spanish phrase "CUIDADO PISO MOJADO" on those janitorial "WET FLOOR" signs actually translates to "DANCE TILL YOU DIE, GRINGO."

• Olive Garden's "Bottomless Salad" has been exploited as a secret tunnel for illegals to enter the suburbs. So if you've order one during dinner, before leaving the table you should throw a stick of dynamite in the bowl and run.

• A JEWISH CONSPIRACY IF EVER I'VE SEEN ONE, FOLKS:

Newspaper Machine Was Disgusted

Newspaper Machine was disgusted.

Recycling Station adjusted his monocle and kept quiet.

Sideways Terminator leaned against a wall and waited.

Tree Branches fumed at how short the segment was this time.

More And More Puddles of New York City, Identified By Pantone Number

"Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?" - Vanessa Willliams, "Colors of the Wind"

Pantone continues to document the "greatest city in the world's" colors, focussing exclusively on the random nasty puddles you see on virtually every sidewalk, platform and walkway. Check out this season's batch of Gotham's excretory tones (along with their EADJ nicknames):

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On Names of Sample Tubes In A Medical Lab

We all know that Tinseltown is plumb out of ideas. Desperate to find the next big movie franchise, the major film studios have resorted to a "Smart Label Barcode Placement" poster in a random medical screening lab in Vauxhall, NJ.  Here now are the movies that have been greenlit for 2017 release:

"SST and Red Top" starring Steven Seagal and Jesse Tyler Ferguson. A Black Ops "Super Soldier Tactician" on the run (Seagal) has to go undercover and partners up with an unwilling suburban dad (Ferguson) to prove that the government had framed him. Also starring a bunch of precocious child actors. Rated PG-13.

"Lavender" starring Kirsten Dunst, Eva Longoria. and Anthony LaPaglia. A hard-nosed detective (LaPaglia) investigating corporate espionage gets caught up in the erotic, sensual world of perfume manufacturing with two of the industry's major players (Dunst and Longoria). There's supposed to be about 20 minutes of full nudity in this one, folks. Tits and dick.

"Blue Top" starring the voices of Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis, and Leslie Mann. This raunchy CGI animated romp follows the adventures of some foul-mouthed produce in a supermarket after hours. A psycho carrot (Arnett), a moody head of lettuce (Galifianakis) and an imperious squash (Mann) wage war against the mild-mannered fruit (voiced by Justin Long, Michael Cera and Charlene Yi).

"Urine Tube" starring Nicolas Cage, Christian Slater and Woody Harrelson. An out-of-control medical train loaded with urine specimens must be stopped by an engineer (Cage), a mathematician (Slater) and a cowboy (Harrelson) before it makes contact with a convention center full of orphans. Also starring Chadwick Boseman as the Head of the PP Squad.

More Taglines For a Movie Whose Creators Have Even Forgotten By Now

Maybe One of the Stupidest Movies We've Made

This Week In Stupid.

A shopping bag. The question is: is this meta or stupid?

1) Someone assumed people didn't know what the heart symbol meant in the super-famous "I <3 NY" slogan.
2) That same someone wrote "LOVE" inside the heart symbol to explain what the heart symbol meant, thus depriving it of any cleverness.
3) That same someone then thought it would be cute to replace the "O" in "LOVE" with another heart, thus adding the wrong kind of cleverness to a formerly-clever slogan bit.
4) I buy something and double-bag it, thus destroying the earth.

The Michelle-a-thon Continues...

(pictured above, Todd gets in on the action. Click on the photo to see Todd's really stupid smirk)