An Imagined Conversation

"Randall has volunteered to accompany you to the sales meeting because Randall has experience with that region. Randall grew up in that area and Randall is very familiar with that market, particularly since all of Randall's family and Randall's friends still live there. In fact, Randall would like to show you Randall's favorite diner, recently opened by Randall's 4th grade teacher. Randall says Randall's favorite dish there is Cinnamon Pear Pie, a recipe that Randall insists is very similar to the recipe that Randall's mom used to bake. Randall has shown that Randall can handle both Randall's sales items and any additional ones, so I'm letting Randall come along with you so Randall can prove Randall's-self. Thanks."

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey, where you want to order dinner from?"

"Let's get Chinese from No One."

"No One?"

"Yeah, No One on South Orange Avenue."

"I've never heard of that place."

"Yes you have. We went there after your dentist appointment last month."

"..."

"..."

"Oh shit. You mean NUMBER ONE."

"Huh?"

"The Chinese place is called Number One. They just abbreviated the word "number" as "no."

"Are you sure? I still think it's No One."

"Whatever. I'll call them now."

*phone rings*

"Hello. NOI Chinese restaurant. What is your order?"

Orwellian.

Spotted at Walmart:

War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. Self checkout is investing in America's jobs.

A Word on Gen Z Horror Movies

The release of technology-based horror movies is always interesting. The creators of these offerings seem to want to tap into some kind of anxiety related to what I think is pretty innocuous.

Examples of past successes: "The Ring", the phone in "Scream", "The Blair Witch Project", "M3GAN", and "Paranormal Activity".

Maybe it's an attempt to relate to the kids, to maybe tell classic boogeyman stories but through your phone or iPad.

Maybe it's some young producers making fun of old technology?

It could be tapping into the anxiety of fast-evolving technology that leaves a person feeling powerless and lost.

Perhaps the booming seller's real estate market makes it impossible to imagine a deserted haunted house nearby?

Whatever the reason, these tech-based horror stories are hit or miss. Mostly miss.

If they really want to tap into scary technology, I would suggest something involving A.I. or Boston Dynamics robots. That shit is terrifying.

*Logging off*

And Then The Universe Folded In On Itself.

Ready or Not, Here I Dick

In an attempt to attract more Joel-like diners, Perkins Family Restaurants around the country are now offering dick in many of their entreés.

Their open-faced turkey sandwich has replaced their traditional cranberry sauce with diced dick, and the fisherman's hoagie, which once had lettuce and tartar sauce, now has dick. On their breakfast menu, they have completely dropped smoked kielbasa sausage from the offerings to make room for plenty of dick.

The decor of the restaurants have changed, also. The once country-like and homey interiors are now very Joel-friendly, with blank sheets of screenplay paper on the walls and countless photos of Asian women.

Quite a gamble for a traditional family restaurant, but what the fuck, right.

(pictured above, La Bamba on Halsted promises "Burritos As Big As Your Head In Rear.")

**URGENT UPDATE** Balls has just reported to EADJ that at Burrito Beach today, she spotted "A Tanner, More Sinister Version Of Brad Harvey."

*****Superbreaking NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!*****

EADJ has just acquired what is reportedly a new "Summer-themed" tabletent from Corner Bakery. Editors have confirmed the existence of a new, badly-written manifesto on the side, although its contents have not been examined or shared yet with the public. EADJ will be shooting the next round of dramatic readings of this new tabletent once its authenticity can be confirmed.