New EADJ Segment: Tucker Carlson Questions Everything

Former Fox News pinhead and frozen dinner heir Tucker Carlson once famously questioned whether diversity really was our strength. But did you know, he also bravely questioned other commonly accepted things?

UAG

An Open Letter To All Companies and Corporations

Dear All Companies and Corporations, 

There are many things we would like from you. Good service. Quality products. A pleasant overall "brand experience". But on the flip side, there are many things we would NOT like from you— long wait times, shoddy products, difficult sales transactions, and most recently, A.I. helpers.

"Hey, they're tiny and cute! And they're here to help!" is what you probably think how we customers react to these little digital critters in the corner of our browsers or phone screens. But that's not how we react at all.

Our reactions actually vary from "Oh, what's this annoying thing?" to "Goddammit, now I can never talk to Customer Service ever again!"

Because when it comes down to it, none of us are looking to chitchat with a computer during these times. We want our thing and we want to get out of there. 

If anything, throwing an AI chatbot in our face is the opposite of customer service. It's telling us you don't care about customers and that a mindless automated robot can answer any of our mundane questions. That we as customers don't deserve an actual human.

In summary, fuck these AI chatbots and fuck YOU for thinking any of us want this shit. FUCK YOU.

Sincerely, EADJ

Spotted at IHOP

Four things that should never be together:

Let's Say Goodbye To A Bunch of Things That Lazy Ad Copywriters Want Us To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

The Latest New Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

AMC's Stubs Rewards Program is wildly successful, mainly because its members enjoy exciting new benefits every week. Here are the latest perks to joining AMC Stubs:

• A firm handshake and look of respect from a real local farmer

• Special 3D pants for 3D movies

• You can sleep here anytime you have a fight with the wife

• If the movie you're watching sucks, you're allowed to yell "ALEXA, NEXT!"

• If you are illiterate but interested in other cultures, all subtitled movies can be read to you

• We'll sneak you a medium popcorn even if you just ordered a small. We won't tell. It'll be our little secret.

• If there's a person of a certain ethnicity who's being loud in the theatre, we can ask one of our employees of that same ethnicity to ask them to be quiet so that you don't have to and end up looking racist.

Spotted at Michaels

A Chipotle Burrito turns me into one.

"Love All, Trust a Few, Do Wrong to Pathmark.”

Terrifying Discovery at DSW

 This is a sequel to a 2018 entry, which was a sequel to a 2009 entry.

Fucking terrifying, ya'll. Adele is going to eat you.

[Redacted]

Spotted online: an ad for some Toy Story action figures, all accounted for except for one whose identity was apparently hidden.

WHO IS THIS GUY???????

The ProofrEADJer: Early February Edition

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To HBO Max This Month

Every so often, HBO Max renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to HBO Max this month:

• It's Always Runny in Diarrhea

• TMI: Miami

• White Lotus 1-2-3

• Ka-Bluey

• To Patch a Creditor

Here are the shows and movies that HBO Max is removing from their schedule this month:

• Seth MacFarlane's Needlessly Offensive Flip Book

• USA TODAY Infographics, Animated With Cartoon Voices

• Taskmaster, Lazy Billionaire Edition

• America's Got Nothing

• 60 Minutes, hosted by Logan Paul

Ahh, Sleeping Easy

We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs What Are The Best Soccer Leagues In the World

"Ah, good question! Lots of futbol fans worldwide are wondering which are currently the highest ranked clubs. Lots of people I've spoken to lately have asked me that exact question."

"So without... ouch further ado, uh, here are the... f...five...top global soccer, uh, leagues according to (gah)... according to Opta / global rankings:"

1) English Premier League (England)

With an unmatched global re... cough... reach, ouch. I can't... massive financial power, high, uh, intensity, and a deep GAAKKKK talent pool... the English Premier League ranks at the very top. 

2) Serie A... Ahhhhh (Italy)

Transformed *wheeze* from a strictly defen... I can't breathe... defensive league... into one of... into one of Europe's most... OW OW OW OW OW OW... competitive title races with multiple rotating champions... get your heel out of my...  such as Inter Milan, AC Milan, Juventus, or... goddammit...Napoli.

3) Bundesliga (Ger... hey stop... Germany)

Known for their high-scoring matches and intense offensive play... Bundesliga boasts the most... *snaps neck, dies*

Eating A Chipotle Burrito: A Chart

(Click to enlarge)