A Quick Word About Project Mc2 Toys For Girls

It's encouraging to see a booming interest in S.T.E.M. (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) subjects among children and young people, and with that comes the advent of STEM-related toys for sale. Some toys are better than others, of course. But one particular brand is trying to cash in on the STEM craze while still keeping their feet in the goddamned 1950s. I'm talking about Project Mc2 toys, based on a web series of the same name featuring "a highly secretive group of female government operatives who are trying to protect the world."

Project Mc2, rather than just promoting learning and interest in scientific subjects, chooses to add a thin layer of "science" to the archaic notion that girls should just play with makeup and go to the spa and worry about their appearance. The result is this grotesque mashup of encouraging learning and not-so-subtly keeping women and girls in their place.

I'm sure the argument here is "well, girls do like makeup and getting dressed up and doing their nails" which might be true, but why reinforce all that on girls who might only want to learn about science? Why girl-ify anything just because you want to pander girls? Science is science and interesting enough as it is. You don't need to put a pink skirt on a supercollider so girls can learn about atoms.

Beauticians are scientists! Hair stylists are conducting experiments!

Perfume, WITH SCENTS INCLUDED?! Wow, a bonus!

"Spa experiments." "Slumber Party Science Kit." You know, girls can be girls, but this cynical pandering (and patriarchal pressuring) is not fucking welcome in 2019.

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey, are you ready to grill some delicious top sirloins, Buck?"

"Hell, yeah I am. It took me a while, but I finally got the charcoal burning steady at the perfect temperature, and without the help of any lighting fluid, so these cuts of meat are going to be done just right."

"Okay, so we got the meat in the package, some spice rubs (which I don't think we need), some steak sauce (which I also think we can skip, knowing my grilling skills!) and uh... this here pack of Omaha Steaks Conversation Cards?"

"What the..."

"Not sure what to do with these. Think I'll chuck 'em."

"No! Since we're gonna be standing here for a while, we might as well try a few questions."

"Hm. Not really my thing, but okay."

(reads the first card)

"'Assuming every man or woman has their price, what is yours?'"

"Uh, pass on that one."

"'Does the success of your friends motivate or frustrate your own progress in life?'"

"Not sure what that means."

"'In moments of intimacy, are you more of a "giver" or a "taker?"'"

"Jesus."

"'When have you loved someone who has not loved you back?'"

"Can we just cook these steaks without talking?"

This Week's Asshole

Spotted at a steak house in Jersey, some classy lady wears her fur coat to the salad bar, shedding mink (maybe dog) hair all over the cucumbers, lettuce and cherry tomatoes.

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!

From Lisanova's personal video blog telling people about Global Geek Week to raise awareness for 4 charities (Oxfam, WWA, The Humane Society and Live Strong), a comment by SnaixOnAPlane:

"I want to eat the brown stuff that comes out of your butthole lisanova.. is that going too far?"

Stay classy, SnaixOnAPlane.

Homemade Adventure.

Joel always likes to try new things (except for dick), so he tried his hand at alpaca breeding after seeing a late night commercial. He thought he could save money on sweaters and meat.

What he didn't know was how much space, time, and effort it would take to get a proper alpaca farm off the ground.

Alpaca Fun Fact: When alpacas breed, males make a noise called an "orgle". This is thought to possibly stimulate ovulation in the female!

What started out as a hobby became a terrible burden on Joel's time. Joel realized he didn't have enough space in his 2 bedroom apartment for traditional pasture breeding, and once he set up the pens in the kitchen and living room, he didn't anticipate that Butternut, his alpaca stud, would be more aggressive in enclosed spaces.

Alpaca Fun Fact: Alpacas and llamas differ in that alpacas have straight ears and llamas have banana-shaped ears!

So after enlarging the main pen, the pantry and the laundry room were unreachable. And Butternut was getting so aggressive that he had advanced on many females who weren't ready to breed yet. Joel had to treat the females before infection could render them infertile.

Alpaca Fun Fact: When alpacas "spit," it's actually acidic stomach contents (generally a green grassy mix)!


Joel had also neglected to maintain the alpacas' communal dung pile, which they create in a corner to separate from their grazing. The pile had started to touch Joel's XBox 360, which he hadn't been able to play since Butternut had eaten the controller.

Alpaca Fun Fact: When male alpacas fight they also scream a warbling bird-like cry, presumably intended to terrify the opponent!

Overwhelmed by the noise, smell, confusion, and time lost that he could have used eating dick, Joel gave up the venture, herding all the alpacas out to the front yard and putting up a sign reading "FREE PUPPIES." Within minutes, neighbors, kids and gangstas had taken every alpaca home. Problem solved!

EADJ: The People Connector

(pictured above, the first sign that a date ain't going so hot)

We've always known that the influence of the Eat a Dick Joel blog has been far-reaching, but we had no idea how it could actually reunite long-lost acquaintances. There have been two of these "EADJ Encounters" reported as of this writing:

A certain party nicknamed "Balls" who has asked to remain anonymous, although her real name is Michelle Litos, reported that some dude from college tracked her down by Googling her, finding her name on the blog, and then writing to the EADJ administrator to get her email address. This remarkable tenacity can only be described as EXTREMELY FUCKING CREEPY.

Another anonymous reader who we'll call "Mister Gall" told EADJ that some random guy contacted him on his myspace page with the subject line "Tava Smiley is hotter, barely." This can only mean that the reader tracked down Andrew through the EADJ entry from just two days ago!

The cultural influences of EADJ are vast and immeasurable. So to those of you who went to college with Lauren Fontinel and would like to stalk her, you can actually write to her at lfontinel@c-k.com or mail her at:

Lauren Fontinel
c/o Cramer-Krasselt
225 North Michigan
24th Floor, Team Brownie
Chicago, IL 60601
(312)616-9600

Cheers, stalkers!


***SUPER-RELEVANT SEXUAL PREDATOR UPDATE***
Ranee Wu has just reported that a couple of people, including some dude she used to date, found her through the blog. "weird. it's creepy because you know they google our names," she wrote without using caps.