The ProofrEADJer: August And Everything After Edition

 Was that a Counting Crows reference? Jesus.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

"That's right, buddy. Be distracted by the camera while I castle and shift my defenses to the left."

Just in case you were wondering if the new generation were also obsessed with the movie "Scarface"– Yes.

Photobooth + Thermal Scope = Predator Brady Bunch!

Whoops. I think I wandered into the New Age music section by mistake.

Never mind the bored, sexualized baby dolls. What is up with that grunged out Parental Advisory label? Trying hard much?

"The flyer said yoga class starts at 2pm. And I got here at 1:55pm. So where the hell is everybody?"

The old arcade game Paperboy sure is harder than I remember.

Even More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Say you ran away from home to make it big in Hollywood, but the only roles available involve mashing your face into someone's genitals on camera for money. Jackpot! You've just become a porn star! But every porn star needs to have a memorable name. Here at EADJ we've collected a few terrible porn names that no self-respecting (ha!) actor or actress would want to use. So feel free to scoop any of these up for yourself, you rising young pornstar!

HER:

Antifa

Teri Yaki

Alexa Turnoffmyporn

L'Shana Tova

Greta Personality

Rae Dong Chomp

Kim Chee

HIM:

Fucker Carlson

Brock Livesmatter

Terry Yaki

Ben Ghazi

Cumelo Anthony

Coitus Andronicus

UAG

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Let's Catch Up With The Three Girls From The Classmates.com Banner

If you've ever been on the Internet, you've probably seen banner ads for classmates.com that feature three winsome young maidens from what looks to be the 80s. EADJ tracked each of these three ladies down to ask them what they're up to now.

Girl #1

Often mistaken for Andrea Zuckerman from "Beverly Hills 90210," Kinshasa Malou is now married and working as a cost consultant for a cracker factory in Couer D'Alene, Idaho. Her hobbies are playing BioShock Infinite and coaching her daughter's soccer team while wearing extreme jump shoes. 

Girl #2

Through some cosmic coincidence, the second Classmates.com girl is also named Kinshasa Malou. Since posing for the infamous 80's photo, Malou has since joined the NASA Space Program as commander of the STS-112 crew, which recently completed its mission to the International Space Station. Malou is married to actor Jeremy Renner and currently lives in Palma, Majorca.



Girl #3

Since her sex change back in 1991, the third girl named Kinshasa Malou (yet another coincidence that science can't explain) opened and now runs a hardware/radiator repair store in Billings, Michigan. Malou is a staunch Republican and NRA backer, and she still insists on using the word "Chinaman."

T.G.I. Fridays Is Creepy

Spotted at a T.G.I. Friday's in Union, New Jersey: a table tent that proudly announces a program to help motivate kids to improve their grades.


"Each time your students prove themselves through academic excellence, outstanding citizenship or even physical performance, you can reward them with a Certificate of Excellence Award... redeemable at your local T.G.I. Friday's."


So, that's great and all, but I couldn't help but be disturbed by the choice of visual the designer assembled at the bottom:


Why not dangle some free candy and a puppy to lure schoolchildren into your van? Jesus.

A Hunka Hunka Burnin' Lobsterfest

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster seems to drag out longer than the Vietnam conflict, except with much more delicious, scrumptious morsels of melt-in-your mouth lobster meat. We at Red Lobster still have yet to hit a wall when it comes to inventing new ways to sucker you morons into our restaurant. Here now are the latest ploys we've concocted:

• We partner with the Hollywood actress Emily Blunt (or is it Ellen Page? The one in that thriller movie with the guns) to promote nightly fun lobster events at the restaurant. A different dipping sauce is featured for Ellen to dip lobster bits as she recites lines from her memorable role. That there is somewhat of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, right? No?

• The entire waitstaff pretends not to speak any English. When you order anything but lobster on the menu, we all get excited, do a (clearly Mexican-based) dance around your table and serve up lobster anyway. If you want to complain to our manager, he rides out on a burro wearing bullet bandoliers and an offensively large sombrero on his head and says, "Que?" ¡Es otra forma de disfrutar de langosta en Lobsterfest® en Red Lobster!

• Hey, you sci-fi geeks! July is our special Red Lobster Lobsterfest® For Vulcans! During this month we wear those pointy Spock ears and act all logical or whatever. We also do that Klingon greeting like, "Live Long And Prosper" and pretend to do that crazy Vulcan sleep hold on your shoulder! LOL! Oh, we also charge you an extra $35.00 fee for all the trouble. Now, there right there is one hell of a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• If somehow through some failure in logistics, we actually run out of lobster, we'll close. That unfortunately is one of the possible ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• There's this guy named Yancey (not sure if it's his first or last name) who comes around the restaurant with homemade clocks that he carves from driftwood. Now, I enjoy his eccentricities as much as the next guy, but if he comes around the restaurant again trying to sell that shit of his during business hours, you guys have to make sure to escort him out. I'm not standing for any solicitation in the restaurant– yes, I understand Yancey's a nice old man and all that, Carol. But if you do nothing and just let him walk around inside this place of business selling his stupid nonworking clocks, I swear to God I'm going to fire the lot of you. Yes, that's one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

Spotted in Union, NJ

Creepy sleepy-eyed children + vaguely militaristic/homoerotic policeman = fantastic airbrushed mural

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with How To Deal With Head Lice

The bane of many parents, the head louse is a tiny, wingless parasitic insect that lives among human hairs and feeds on extremely small amounts of blood drawn from the scalp. Lice are a very common problem, especially for kids ages 3 years to 12 years (girls more often than boys). Your doctor can recommend a medicated shampoo, cream rinse, or lotion to kill the lice. These may be over-the-counter (OTC) or prescription medications, depending on what treatments have already been tried. Medicated lice treatments usually kill the lice and nits, but it may take a few days for the itching to stop.

Pretty much why I don't accept kids in my town car. That plus the fact that they steal booze and pee themselves.

EADJ: The People Connector

(pictured above, the first sign that a date ain't going so hot)

We've always known that the influence of the Eat a Dick Joel blog has been far-reaching, but we had no idea how it could actually reunite long-lost acquaintances. There have been two of these "EADJ Encounters" reported as of this writing:

A certain party nicknamed "Balls" who has asked to remain anonymous, although her real name is Michelle Litos, reported that some dude from college tracked her down by Googling her, finding her name on the blog, and then writing to the EADJ administrator to get her email address. This remarkable tenacity can only be described as EXTREMELY FUCKING CREEPY.

Another anonymous reader who we'll call "Mister Gall" told EADJ that some random guy contacted him on his myspace page with the subject line "Tava Smiley is hotter, barely." This can only mean that the reader tracked down Andrew through the EADJ entry from just two days ago!

The cultural influences of EADJ are vast and immeasurable. So to those of you who went to college with Lauren Fontinel and would like to stalk her, you can actually write to her at lfontinel@c-k.com or mail her at:

Lauren Fontinel
c/o Cramer-Krasselt
225 North Michigan
24th Floor, Team Brownie
Chicago, IL 60601
(312)616-9600

Cheers, stalkers!


***SUPER-RELEVANT SEXUAL PREDATOR UPDATE***
Ranee Wu has just reported that a couple of people, including some dude she used to date, found her through the blog. "weird. it's creepy because you know they google our names," she wrote without using caps.