Unfortunate Free Font Of The Year

Mailwar: Returning Fire

On June 6, we covered a bizarre package sent to this editor from Mig Ponce– a pair of Laura Branigan pens. So naturally, we had to respond by logging onto LauraBraniganOnline.com and purchasing something for Mig. So we found that they sell "Classic Signature Logo" CD cases, a tribute to the days in the 80's when people owned something called "compact discs."

Hoping to skip the piddly tit-for-tat nature of these type of things, we ordered THREE of them for Mig.


And it's good to see that they arrived safely:

EADJ Etiquette Center with Lauren Fontinel

The following is a photo on the El taken by Lauren F.


Rule #1: Close your legs.


Lauren earns 50 points for the panty hose crotch shot. Congratulations, Team Blondie!

Let's Put a Paper Towel Underneath the EADJ Mail Sack To Soak Up All the Nasty Grease!

Submitted by Lauren Fontinel, uh... hmmm...a submission.

Another Smecial Dreams Entry!

We asked folks if they had any weird dreams lately:





"Ummmmm, no. I actually am not a big dreamer."
- Joanne S





"I started working at a sushi restaurant with Ranee Wu. It was like a party sushi house...everyone's getting fucked up I couldn't remember any of the rolls. I was a horrible server. That was two nights ago, and I kept chain smoking. It was weird– I was in a weird Asian culture and I was the white girl. What's that mean?"
– Lauren Fontinel







"I dreamt I was in purgatory, but then I realized I was daydreaming at work so I don't think that counts."
- Lorraine S







"A guy with no pants on checked me in at the airport. That was a dream I had like a week ago."
- Andrew Gall








"I have very vivid true-to-life dreams. Not like, 'I was flying with a sea turtle and then Big Bird ate me.'"
- Beth Stone, who often dreams of the snack machine having the crackers she likes




"I had a dream I was running from the law. My friend had stolen something and I was the innocent guy with him, driving into parking garages hiding, running on foot... cops getting closer....then I woke up. Swear to God... I think I need to change something in my life or confront something..."
- Brent Caukin

EADJ: The People Connector

(pictured above, the first sign that a date ain't going so hot)

We've always known that the influence of the Eat a Dick Joel blog has been far-reaching, but we had no idea how it could actually reunite long-lost acquaintances. There have been two of these "EADJ Encounters" reported as of this writing:

A certain party nicknamed "Balls" who has asked to remain anonymous, although her real name is Michelle Litos, reported that some dude from college tracked her down by Googling her, finding her name on the blog, and then writing to the EADJ administrator to get her email address. This remarkable tenacity can only be described as EXTREMELY FUCKING CREEPY.

Another anonymous reader who we'll call "Mister Gall" told EADJ that some random guy contacted him on his myspace page with the subject line "Tava Smiley is hotter, barely." This can only mean that the reader tracked down Andrew through the EADJ entry from just two days ago!

The cultural influences of EADJ are vast and immeasurable. So to those of you who went to college with Lauren Fontinel and would like to stalk her, you can actually write to her at lfontinel@c-k.com or mail her at:

Lauren Fontinel
c/o Cramer-Krasselt
225 North Michigan
24th Floor, Team Brownie
Chicago, IL 60601
(312)616-9600

Cheers, stalkers!


***SUPER-RELEVANT SEXUAL PREDATOR UPDATE***
Ranee Wu has just reported that a couple of people, including some dude she used to date, found her through the blog. "weird. it's creepy because you know they google our names," she wrote without using caps.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Tongue

Thursday is typically a difficult day of the week for Joel. It usually involves waking up in the drunk tank at the police station, getting the dick(s) out of your mouth and finding a way to get to work– just in time– at the quarry.

(The quarry, you say? Yes, it's true. Joel has landed a full-time, steady job at the Lamisil quarry in Modesto. There he works with 4 different quarry teams, or "rock squads," who mine precious Lamisil from the quarry every day.)

Today, however, Joel didn't make it to the quarry on time and was reprimanded. The foreman didn't even let Joel touch his dick. He just bitched him out in his trailer and sent him home early. Joel was understandably crestfallen and hungry.

It's times like this that Joel is glad to have bought that chest freezer in the garage. Emergency dick storage is something he learned in home ec.

(pictured above, Lauren F gets a black tongue from either drinking too much Pepto Bismol or blowing a squid.)

UPDATE: Mystery solved!

It's time to play "That's Funny Cuz!"

That's funny,cuz...

*** UPDATE *** Eat a Dick Joel has now reached 150 entries! We'd like to thank Joel Thomas for the opportunity and for giving us so much to work with. "Eat a dick" to all who helped get us here! Excelsior!

Dick, Joel. Joel, Dick.

Well, Joel is back from his amazing 4-day vacation, all tanned and ready to eat California dick again. The Florida Keys dick was spicier but more musky– with sort of a game-y aftertaste. Goes well with stout. Especially if you thread a few pineapple slices on the tip. Mmm Mmmm, dick!

Joel came back sporting some pukka shells 'round his neck. Each shell represents a different dick that he ate. The dark shells were... WELL, YOU KNOW! LOL!!!!!

But in all seriousness, Joel learned something on his little sojourn. That no matter where you go to eat dick, there's nothing quite like the taste of down home cock and balls to make you feel right again. Salut!

(pictured above, Lauren Fontinel shows how much she's matured since her baby photo)

Let's Cinch Open the EADJ Mail Sack!

(pictured, a photo accompanying an email from Lauren Fontinel who writes "Is this David Estoye???")

Words take flight through performance.

****READER CHALLENGE**** Ten bucks to whoever can recite this thing by memory.