The Dove Body Language Messenger

Last night I downloaded the Dove Body Language Messenger, a free app on the iPhone App Store. What I thought would be some advanced technology that can read your friends' body language to read their emotions turned out to be a gimmicky "women making letters of the alphabet" branded sharable digital doodad.


Here's how it works: you type a message, and the ladies do fancy yoga poses that eventually spell out what you typed. Wow! Cool neato, right? I can't believe this app is free!!!!!!



The catch is, you can't type "FUCK" or "SHIT" or "COCK" or anything fun, because otherwise you get gently scolded by the app:


Alright, then. Challenge accepted. Type something offensive or funny to my friends without using the standard four-letter expletives. I spent the next hour last night typing up messages and emailing them to Andrew, Vince, and Brad Harvey. Here is a sampling:









You can download this unintentionally hilarious app here.

Let's Give a Used Gift Certificate to the EADJ Mail Sack and Feign Ignorance When They Find Out It Doesn't Work!

Submitted by Brad Harvey, a disturbing text message:


Here's an artist's terrible rendition of what that would look like:

Well, My Curiosity's Cured.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Let me start off by saying that this entry is probably NOT SAFE FOR WORK. I've tried censoring out lots of the sordid parts of certain screens, but overall the content of this entry is best left away from your cubicle or Jamba Juice register.

I was walking past a construction site by my apartment and happened to spot something beyond the fence.


There were several DVDs lying on the ground. Cool! So my natural curiosity and cheapness motivated me to fetch the free movies.





Okay, so it was Japanese porn. But just for shits and giggles, let's pop it in and have a look see. The first disc, named "J Premium" was your standard porn fare...uh, or so Brad Harvey tells me.




The other DVD, named "Costume Play" is the one that made me later skip my dinner and question the basic decency of my fellow man.









She's not really gonna, is she? Oh. Yes, she is. Great. Fantastic.


It didn't take long for me to eject the DVD and rush back to the construction site to return the foul discs back to their original place. I sort of felt like that guy who discovers the singing frog in that old Bugs Bunny cartoon, except with more enemas and tiny penises. Origato, but no origato.

Click the movie to play. No, it's not that movie.

**BARKING NEWS**

(AP) The EADJ West offices in Seattle have been halted by a blackoout, sources say.

"Our whole office just had a power outage," said cub EADJ reporter Andrew Gall, "I said fuck it and went home."

More on the blackout crisis as it becomes available.

(pictured above, a just-now-developed shot of Brad Harvey and David Estoye goofing around back in Cramer-Krasselt, an apparent homage to THE GREATEST PHOTO EVER TAKEN:

Let's Try To Fit Our Fist in the EADJ Mail Sack Even Though It's Told Us Repeatedly That It's Not Into That Kind of Thing!

Submitted by Brad Harvey, an email from the most tenacious rep the advertising world has ever seen:

It's so sweet.

------ Forwarded Message
From: chris brown
Date: Fri, 30 Nov 2007 09:51:51 -0600
To:
Subject: Mr. Harvey..........

How are you man?

It's been forever since we've spoke. What's new in yer life? Heard
you quit smoking!

I've been jamming out here and traveling a bunch. Always a plus.

Well, just wanted to to catch up and see what the creative mind at
Y&R is up too. Anything coming up for MGD or Sears?

Shoot me a line when you get a moment. I know you're busy.....

Cheers,
Chris


Chris Brown
Get Reehl Representation
XXX N. Michigan #1634
Chicago, Il 60601

(pictured above, probably not the right Chris Brown we're talking about)

More entries from Brad Harvey's notebook!

The following are entries in Brad Harvey's notebook/journal. EADJ got their hands on it when Brad got up to take a dump in The Caribou Coffee on Michigan Ave. Employees reported later that he forgot to flush.

• New idea for reality show: film a bunch of people living together and generally just bitching about stupid shit. Tentative title: Remnants of the Coccyx

• Finish that ear of corn behind the futon

• What was the name of that guy who played B.A. Baracus in "The A Team?" Gotta go to the library and look it up...

• I should totally buy the domain http://http://.com! I could make like a hundred dollars!!

• Start using inverted parentheses, just to be different!

• Remember Wesley Snipes' words of advice about who to bet on next time I'm at the roulette table at The Grand Victoria Riverboat Casino on the scenic Fox River, just east of Route 31 in Elgin.

• Confront Ryan about those farting parties he keeps throwing in my cube. No, wait. That's ME! )Confront Ryan anyway(

• Return that pretty girl's neck brace. She probably needs it.

• Fried chicken and okra! That's the best!

• Ask doctor why pee is green and gravy-like lately

• Get LAID!!! )stop by ATM first(

Summer Reading. Some Sweating.

Asscheeky Monkey

(Editor's Note: EADJ has been fortunate to have recently met up with Joel Himself in L.A. recently. The full interview and photo spread will be posted soon.)

Joel's getting more famous by the day.

Just yesterday, Dora the Explorer made an allusion to Joel on its program. While looking for "The Big Red Chicken," Dora mentions to her monkey companion Boots how their search is a lot like Joel's never-ending search for dick to eat. Kewl!

Restoration Hardware has announced a new line of outdoor furniture designed for Joel and his al fresco dick eating. The Coctoss armless chaise, for example, allows for adjustable reclining with a kneeling area and a jawrest, boasting weatherproof linen cushions and solid teak legs. $869, with free shipping.

In the most recent issue of Hustler Barely Legal, a woman dresses up as Joel and eats two dudes' dicks in an "homage/tribute." Hustler's editors wrote that they even recreated Joel's shitty studio apartment. The issue has been so popular that a copy can now go for $45 on eBay.

Joel has his own entry in Wikipedia! The entry breaks down his forty dick-eating techniques, his cultural significance, a full list of the celebrity cocks that he's eaten, and many, many misspellings.

(pictured above, Brad does some Curlz at his goodbye party)

Inserting just the Wedding Tip

Jessica doing what she does best, with a special guest.

Brad For Goodness Sake!

Some assorted nuggets from the desk of Brad Harvey's notebook:

• What's the plural for MILF? MILVES?

• I wonder if two identical twins ever fucked each other.

• Gasoline was probably a bad poultice (SP?) for that baby fox. Rethink.

• Tattoo idea! Chinese infant in a headlock

• Tic Tac still in my pee hole. Next steps?

• Old lady hair. Hilarious! Write a bit about that!

• Can anyone at the park tell I fucked that totem pole?

• Pay Mason to (illegible) for those capoeira (SP?) lessons for Juney

• Apologize to Ryan's Mom about that thing with the thing. Stupid!

• That valet company hasn't called about the job yet. Time to firebomb?

• Why did that German chick have a cock? Do they all? Still, HOT.

• Bowflex: 5 payments left.

• Reminder: STOP MASTURBATING AT THE GOODWILL!!!!

• Dr. Alavar said that wasn't a lump after all. That was a second testicle. So why is my pee cloudy? This could be a Yellow Pages radio script! Still hungry after those chimichangas. What are birds?

It's time to play "That's Funny Cuz!"

That's funny,cuz...

*** UPDATE *** Eat a Dick Joel has now reached 150 entries! We'd like to thank Joel Thomas for the opportunity and for giving us so much to work with. "Eat a dick" to all who helped get us here! Excelsior!

Let's Pry Open That Thar EADJ Mail Sack!

(pictured above, Brad Harvey submits some classic Dex advertising)

False Alarm. *Whew*

An urgent report Friday had announced that Joel did NOT eat dick the previous day. After consulting various sources and celebrity blogs, we can safely say with certainty that that report was incorrect. Joel had in fact eaten 87 dicks on Thursday. That's an 87 dick disparity. Last time we consult the Drudge Report.

At a press conference held at a food court in a Richmond, Virginia mall, EADJ spokesperson Dwight Flannagan expressed both relief and anger. "While I am glad to hear that Joel has continued to eat the dicks he so dearly loves, I am angered at the inconsistency we have shown in reporting his dick-eating. I hereby resign as spokesperson of Eat A Dick, Joel. Thank you."

The press conference was met with shrugs from reporters and bystanders, who were pretty sure Dwight Flannagan was a fictional person, just like Sue McCloskey.

(pictured above, Brad proves time and again that he is indeed a treasure)

Brad is up to something.

What...I don't know.

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

With his 49th birthday fast approaching, Brad Harvey recently started thinking about his mortality. So with the help of a phalanx of lawyers, Brad wrote his last will and testament. EADJ was fortunate to get their hands on the actual document:

I, Brad Unicef Harvey, being of sound mind and body, do hereby bequeath the following:

To Ryan, my undying partner and friend, I leave both packets of ramen noodles in my cupboard.

To Todd, I leave a bottlecap that I've pinched so it's in the shape of a football.

To my friends at Reckless Records, I leave my automatic pencil. It's all out of lead, so you have to buy a refill at Office Depot. But first you should doublecheck to make sure that the lead is the right size for the pencil. I made that mistake once, and they were kind of dicks about me returning it after I opened it. I don't see what the big deal is, because all of the lead was still in there. They never even checked. Sometimes they're really unhelpful over there. Especially that guy Keith.

To Marshall, I leave an opened container of some pencil lead that I have no use for and couldn't return at Office Depot.

To Tom Lichtenheld, I leave my Listerine breath strip container that has a penny in it.

To Phil Flickinger, I leave all rights to the use of the phrase "Boo Ya!"

To BooBoo the Skizz, I leave my orthotic insole. I only had one, man, so just be thankful.

My Executor shall be authorized to carry out all provisions of this Will and pay my just debts, obligations and funeral expenses.

(pictured above, a sample of the Brad Harvey estate)

Eleven Dollar Salad!

Joel took some time out of his busy schedule today to actually answer some old Civil War love letters. Here are a couple:

(Letter from Sallie Seeper Scott of Lower Chanceford, PA to Robert Bennett, Chief Carpenter Shop in Washington, D.C.)

April the 16
Good Morning My dear friend
this is quite a pleasant morning
I almost forgot to tell you that
I got a letter about 2 week ago
forwarded from the president A
Lincoln but the next one he sends
to me he had beter not get you
to write it + I won't be so sure to
know that it came from you my
Dearest friend + only lover + loveing
Bob well I think I will haft to
draw my leter to a close for the present
time by telling you to write soon all
at presant from your kind friend
Sallie S. Scott to
Robert Barnett you said that you
wanted me to send you a stamp or
thats what I took it to be from the
way you had it speld I havent any
3 cts ones but will send you all the
one cent ones that I have at this time
I forgot the old hors he is doing well
only there is someting rong with his neck
so he cant put his hed down to drink
Sallie Seeper Robert James write soon

Dear Sallie,
Spelling! It's obviously your poor public education that got you to misspell "loving" so consistently. Pennsylvania blows. But it's finally good to hear from you. The mail service has been so inconsistent since the battle of Hanover. Maybe Fedex next time? And don't worry about the stamps, just email me– not my AOL, cuz I'm closing that one. Try my gmail instead! LOL!

Kisses,
Joel

ps. If Blackie can't lower his head, just pour some water into his feedbag. Or set a bowl on the top of the chiffarobe for him to drink.



(Letter from an unknown soldier writing from Nashville, Tennessee, to his friend Ettie.)

Nashville Tenn Jany 5th 64

Friend Ettie

I believe I am not indebted to you by way of letter, but for your kindness to me I will write you a few lines. It is quite cool Weather here now and some snow upon the ground but not enough to make sleighing. I wish I wish I were in Hillsdale today I think I would call around to friend Ettie and go out a Sleighing. Soon I am agoing to settle down and get married.

What a novel Idea that is, perhaps you will not believe it but I am not joking. I am not quite an old Bach yet but I fear I will be before long.

If you know of some good looking amiable young Lady that wish to change her situation in life, just mention the fact to her, and tell her there is a Soldier in the Army that wishes to marry in less than two years after his time expires in the Army.

I am yours
verry truly
xxxxx


Dear Unknown Soldier Dude,

You can't beat around the bush like that, man. Just frickin' ASK HER TO MARRY YOU! You obviously are trying the "hanging out until you become more than friends" angle, which believe me, is so not worth it. I once hung out with this chick who works at Borders Café, listening to her blab on and on about Ya-Ya Sisterhood and whatnot, and a month into it, she told me she thought I was dateable UNTIL we started hanging out so much. Fucking A! Bitches, man.

Joel

p.s. Sleighing?! That's such tourist crap, dude. You end up smelling horse butthole for 40 minutes. Take Ettie somewhere awesome like In N' Out Burger. Excelsior!

(pictured above, Brad helps himself to some brown)

Eat Two Dicks and Call Me Joel in the Morning

Devendra Banhart, Sufjan Stevens, and Sondre Lerche held a press conference today to announce a new supergroup that they have formed as a tribute to Joel's dick-eating career. The three extremely-difficult-to-spell musicians will release a CD later this summer, with special guest appearances by Sigur Rós, Hilmar Örn Hilmarsson, Björk Guðmundsdóttir, and Mr. Mxyzptlk. The CD will be titled "W.A.R.H.T.S.B.W.A.A.T.W.W.J.T.E.A.D" which is short for "We are really hard to spell but we all agree that we want Joel to eat a dick." Fergie will also appear on the inside sleeve art for some reason.

(pictured above, I don't know what the hell happened here, but I'm pretty sure it's Brad Harvey's fault.)

Afternoon EADJ Photo

(pictured above, Vince and Andrew ruin a totally badass photo)

SCANDAL ROCKS THE CHICKEN BUCKET!!!!

News vans and reporters are scrambling in front of 225 North Michigan upon hearing that the "FUN PAGES: Draw The Rest of Brad's Body" contest held recently at the Chicken Bucket has been blown wide open with scandal. The fallout: hurt feelings, lost friendships, a lawsuit, and a divorce.

The contest was launched several weeks ago at the request of Ayana, who felt that "it was time for something to go up there." A simple template featuring Brad Harvey's head was made and the contest was announced. Within hours, the Chicken Bucket had been papered with entries, and Phil May had been invited to judge on December 5.

As the deadline approached, May suggested that maybe he shouldn't judge, as he had submitted his own entry! May's entry was balled up and thrown at him, but he was still invited to judge. By now an announcement had been posted by the entries: "The winner receives a free lunch with Brad Harvey, courtesy of Brad Harvey."

Phil May judged and picked a winner, and a ribbon was hung on the winning entry:


Lauren Fontinel and Suzie Caravella had worked together on the winning entry and not surprisingly, expected a free lunch from Brad Harvey. But as days passed, their elation turned into concern. Concern turned into regret. Regret into anger.

Brad had yet to take them out to lunch.

Brad eventually revealed that the entire contest did not have his blessing. He felt that he had been pressured into taking TWO winners to a contest he didn't even know about. His argument: he was out of town or something.


Undaunted by Brad's refusal, Fontinel allegedly took matters into her own hands, applying more pressure to claim her prize. She tacked a note onto the contest invitation: "Where's my free lunch Brad?'

Brad's terse response: "Up your butt Lauren."

In addition to the judging flap and the unresolved prize scandal, the contest has strangely taken on a life of its own. Weeks after the contest was judged, mysterious entries continue to be submitted:

What this means for the two current scandals is unknown. Do people still think they can win a free lunch from Brad? Is Brad taunting the girls? Why did he call them "Lunch-hungry sluts who can swab my nicotine-stained taint?" And who the fuck put THIS up?


Lives shattered. Questions unanswered. Families broken. More to come.