EADJ Wishes You A Happy Halloween!

We at the offices of Eat A Dick Joel would like to wish you a spooky and safe Halloween today. Please look for traffic on both sides before crossing the street, and whatever you do, AVOID 158 OAK STREET. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED 5 YEARS AGO AND YOU DON'T WANT YOUR STOMACH PUMPED LIKE THAT AGAIN. Be careful!

The Latest Failed Crowdfunded Projects on Kickstarter

Here now are this week's crowdfund projects that unfortunately did not make their funding goal:

• A kitchen counter composter that takes your vegetables and turns them into fertilizer pellets– literally a live rabbit

• A weighted blanket that weighs you down with guilt

• A DUI device that makes your breath smell like you've been eating ass instead of drinking

• Vape cigars that make you look like a heavyweight douche

• Samma doppa yumma tatcha YOON YOON (description is unclear)

• Inedible panties

• Checkers except the pieces are live miniature turtles painted white and black and the checkerboard is made of flattened lettuce and we don't really have any idea of this is going to work

• Legwarmers for subway sandwiches

• Monocles for sophisticated cyclopses

UAG

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"You know, if you want to make money, you gotta bluhbuh muhmuhm gruh suhmuhsuh."

"🍆💦🍑?"

"Why aren't you listening to me?"

"Why aren't you listening to me?"

"Why aren't you listening to me?"

"Dammit, Sophia, all the rouge in the world isn't going to add color to your face!"

"I risked it all for you. Now I have you. But I don't have it all anymore."

"Throw me the dagger! The beaver is eating me!"

"My people are sending your people the best holiday wishes. We should schedule some intercourse."

EADJ Fashion Round-Up

This person on the treadmill sounded like someone was giftwrapping trash bags in cellophane during a hailstorm.

This dude has so many pulls, straps, and twist-ties that he should stay at least a mile away from a corn thresher.

Even if the fishing hat doesn't match the bag or the Uggs, the fur fringe ties the whole thing together.

I swear I was psyched to spot Shrek.

Hey, Whattaya Say We Say Goodbye To All The Shit That Marketers Want Us To Say Goodbye To?

Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-To-End of October Edition

EADJ: Where Are They Now? Entry 4

Previous "Where Are They Now" segments are here, here and here.

Plum Silky walked away from a successful career as a prop comedienne to found the New York School of Finance. She and her school weren't taken seriously until her predictions about the housing bubble bursting in 2008 came true.

Ask most people how they know Zucchini Planks and they'll tell you he's the wacky zydeco musician on all those Geico commercials. What they don't know is that Planks–born Charles Plank Zuckerman–is a classically trained musician who can play 8 instruments from the clarinet to the didgeridoo and has written over 20 classical symphonies.

In 1995 police raided the Bahamas vacation home of Hexchasty Buttons and found over $13 million of cocaine under the floor boards. Since serving a 15 year sentence in prison, Hexchasty Buttons has remade her image by visiting children's hospitals and donating most of her time to helping various charities. Most young people these days only know her as a fun TikTok personality than as a convicted drug dealer.

UAG

"To Get Rich, You Have To Be Making Money While You're Pathmark"

 

Spotted On a Walk

Hey, I remember that show on Fox!

The ProofrEADJer: Second Week of October Edition

Not exactly a typo but using the one word "USELESS" instead of "USE LESS":

"PUMPKIN LATE"?

"Anger Makes Dull Men Witty, But It Keeps Them Pathmark."

An Imagined Conversation

Signmaker 1: You got that sign for the Prospect and Hilton intersection ready yet?

Signmaker 2: Yeah, but it doesn't look right.

Signmaker 1: What do you mean? You printed what was on the work order, right?

Signmaker 2: Yeah, of course. "RAISED INTERSECTION". But it looks weird. Like off-balance.

Signmaker 1: *handles sign* I see. Pretty top heavy. Have you tried making the words smaller?

Signmaker 2: No, then you can't read it. Plus I tried breaking "INTERSECTION" into two lines but that looks horrible.

Signmaker 1: Hm. I know it doesn't say on the work order, but what if you added a third word at the end? That would fill in the empty space.

Signmaker 2: A third word? Like what?

Signmaker 1: Like "MAN". 

Signmaker 2. So the sign would say "RAISED INTERSECTION, MAN"?

Signmaker 1: Yes.

Signmaker 2: Brilliant. Fire up the printer again.

Let's Store Our Unmended Socks In The EADJ Mail Sack!

 Submitted by Emily Kane:

"Pulls your look together" is my personal favorite.

Some Banners for Etsy

Amongst the handcrafted tchotchkes, these Etsy banners for some reason feature a mug shot of Lou Diamond Phillips (?!?!):

And I know these type of banners autofill by whatever you looked at on the Etsy site, but I don't remember searching for "rough diamond".

"You’ve Got To Get Up Every Morning With Determination If You’re Going To Go To Bed With Pathmark."