Spotted At Dollar General, Part 2

Yesterday we featured some balloons at Dollar General that offered the oh-so-crazy colors white and burgundy. BURGUNDY.

We gave it a think, and here are some possible occasions we came up with to use BURGUNDY balloons:

• Ron BURGUNDY'S birthday party

• A wine tasting that's classy but not that classy

• Retirement party for a co-worker that none of you really liked

• A CONGRATS ON YOUR UNSIGHTLY BRUISE party

• Balloon arch for a library orgy

• Intervention

 

Spotted at Dollar General

Look at the fun, festive colors that Funsational Balloons offers: white and burgundy.

Burgundy.

BURGUNDY.

UAG

Advertising Synergy!

Found in a package of Easy Einstein Water Balloons, a tip-in brochure for JEWELRY. Whaaa?

An advertisement for the Sterling Collections Infinite Love Ring, a romantic piece festooned with 22 hand-set cubic zirconia gems, along with a ring sizer diagram.

On top of that, it asks you to MAIL IN YOUR ORDER of $10 and $6.99 postage to a P.O. Box like it's the 1970s. Who is this for? And who is reading this ad a mere seconds before being beaned by 100 water balloons?

Even More Improbable Taglines For a Z-List Movie Whose Theatres Drifters Sat In Only To Masturbate In

EADJ Calls Bullshit

Spotted at a children's birthday party joint: "TENNIS Champion."

BULLSHIT. Kid looks what, 5 months old? She's sitting up— maybe by herself— so she's somewhere between 4 and 7 months. So to be able to even hold the lightest carbon tennis racquet would take strength and coordination that SHE DOES NOT YET POSSESS.

Let's not even get into the fact that she cannot walk yet, so how is she supposed to crawl quickly to the other side of a (assumedly regulation-size) tennis court to even return the ball?

Well, maybe if the other players in the championship are also dribbling infants. Maybe she could beat them all 40/love if they were incoherent or asleep or crying about being left in the middle of a tennis court in the heat. But that would still require her to be able to successfully serve the ball over the net about 4 times a game, assuming the others who were serving wouldn't be able to.

Okay, so maybe she won all the games where she wasn't serving, and that was enough for her to win the infant tennis championship. But she is no fucking tennis champion by any stretch of the imagination.

Let's not go crazy here. Fucking bullshit is what it is.

Let's Add Soy Sauce To The EADJ Mail Sack Even Though The Waiter Told Us It Didn't Need It!

Submitted by Jason Rogers via MMS, a brand of microbrew that really speaks to me:


That is one happy looking sprig of hops.

I thought about saving this for the EADJ Pun Cops, but gah.

From Out of Left Field

Spotted at an LAX Admirals Club while traveling with Barry:


Tommy Lasorda Fine Italian Wines

"...Tommy Lasorda is preserving his legacy by fulfilling dreams away from the crowded stadiums of Major League Baseball... his passion for America's game gives way to his passion for Italian wines."

Say what? How is that preserving your legacy– by slapping your name on something completely unrelated to what made you famous? That's like Hillary Duff Financial Services or Madeleine Albright-brand chewing tobacco. "Carrie Ann Inaba's passion for judging dancers on 'Dancing With The Stars' gives way to her passion for Mycorrhizal Technology in Agriculture...." Oh, he's Italian, so he can sell Italian wine? Okay.

(Jeez, I didn't mean for this to turn into the Celebrity Wine Blog)

You'll notice on the wine descriptions below, no mention of Tommy Lasorda or any connection to his Italian heritage and the Veneta Abruzzo region of Italy. You could have slapped Yogi Berra or Joe DiMaggio's name on the label. They're Italian, see?


Tommy Lasorda Wines: They're Lasorda Classy and Lasorda Relevant!

A Few Things To Keep In Mind When Waiting A Long Time Surrounded By Balloons

1) Cheer up– there are balloons around you!

2) Whatever it is you're waiting for will come eventually. There's no need to take your frustrations out on the balloons.

3) Think on the bright side– you could be waiting somewhere that doesn't have balloons.

4) There have to be hundreds of ways to occupy your time with balloons until whatever you're waiting for arrives or happens. Literally hundreds.

5) Did we mention that there are balloons around you?

6) If you're thinking of sighing because you've been waiting a long time, just use that sigh to inflate a balloon instead. Everybody wins.

7) This is fun: if you have to wait a very long time, the balloons slowly sinking as a result of the helium depleting can act as a sort of timekeeping device.

8) Now would be an excellent time to start a game of solitaire. Because anyone who would normally give you unsolicited advice about placing red six on black seven would be screened out by the balloons.

9) Say "balloon" out loud to yourself a few times. Around the eighteenth time, it doesn't even sound like a real word. Bah-loon.

10) If you happen to be actually waiting for balloons, YOUR WAIT IS OVER!

These and many other tips are made possible by the New York Council of Waiting Amidst Balloons.

New York. The Most Exciting City in The World.

Spotted on the northbound 4 train, a guy psychs himself up to deliver some balloons.

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!

From a YouTube page featuring Michael McDonald doing a live performance of "What a Fool Believes," a comment by wabashcharlie:


"This is a such a beautiful, poignant song, especially if you've ever been a hopelessly optimistic "fool" like the one described in the song. Truly brilliant."

Dog + Balls

(pictured above, Michelle Litos moonlights. Moonlitos?)

Vince was right

(pictured to the left, only 3 days later, Marshall's OLD BALLS)