Newest Rewards Added to the AMC Stubs Program

AMC Theatres are retaining their moviegoing customers with their hugely successful Stubs membership program. A yearly subscription gets you plenty of in-theatre perks, and the list is constantly growing. Here are the latest new benefits of signing up:

• 5 extra minutes of trailers to movies you have no intention of seeing

• Raisinets / Goobers exchange program

• A promise not to have someone with huge hair sit in front of you

• If you're suffering from hemorrhoids, we will scrunch up a bag of popcorn into one o' those donut cushions for you

• First dibs on a special Lady Sybil Crawley edition Downton Abbey popcorn bucket 

• Special glasses that make it look like you're watching a movie at home rather than with a bunch of random losers

How Not To Be A Racist, As Illustrated By A Foldable Tent Instruction Page

You know it. I know it. But everyone else doesn't have to know that you're a terrible racist. Here's a handy guide to how to not act like a racist in social situations.

1) Take a quick look at your racism. Ugly, isn't it? Why do you even hate people from Guam and Puerto Ricans? They're Americans, too, you know.

2) Take both hands and SQUEEZE that racism down to a more manageable size. You'll immediately notice that there's a lot of resistance to getting smaller, but keep at it.

3) Find the part of your racism that secures the rest of it. Now use your free hands to hide your open hatred of immigrants, even though your grandparents were immigrants themselves!

4) You're about to interact with other people in a moment. Keep that irrational hostility towards Native Americans and Hispanics in check. Now stand up.

5) There you go! Keep smiling during your interactions with people, and whatever you do, make sure your free arm doesn't swing up in a Sieg Heil salute, you piece of shit!

Weird Advert

Spotted online, an ad for home equity loans, featuring a very confusing visual:

I get the "DIP into your equity" connection, but why an avocado? That doesn't seem to be part of the Lending Tree brand (and I understand avocados grow on trees). 

And is that a nacho shaped float in the pool? Why is the chip so much smaller than the avocado? I'm also concerned about that white towel that's about to fall off the side.

Also, as avocados go, that one sucks because look how huge the pit is and how little pulp is left.

Final grade: F

A Couple of Examples of a Confusing Format

From DoorDash:

Just check the box to say yes, NO PICKLES.

From a chart explaining different bundle packages for "The Division 2" video game:

Wait, do the bundles with the X's have the content listed, or do the X's mean they don't have the content listed?

Latest Alerts From Your Nest Detector

11/7/21      1:34pm      Checked status: OK

11/7/21      3:20pm      Detected movement in living room- probably rat or dog

11/7/21      4:10pm      Detected Toby taking another Toby dump

11/7/21      4:18pm      Detected that Toby did NOT flush; turned on fan

11/7/21      5:20pm      Smoke in kitchen- probably Gary trying to cook again

11/7/21      5:38pm      Detected argument between Toby and Gary

11/7/21      6:10pm      Heard loud slap

11/7/21      7:33pm      Heard "Levitating" by Dua Lipa (ft. Da Baby) upstairs

11/7/21      8:52pm      Heard "Levitating" by Dua Lipa (ft. Da Baby) upstairs

11/7/21      9:38pm      Heard "Levitating" by Dua Lipa (ft. Da Baby) upstairs

11/7/21      9:40pm      Turned off power to Amazon Echo upstairs. Jesus.

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To HBO Max This Month

Periodically, HBO Max adds or removes shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to HBO Max this month:

• Bionicals Performing Neil Simon's "Our Town"

• Chugging Pus: The Highs and Lows of Pledging a Medical Fraternity

• Takis: How A Snack Food Became A Stoner Staple, narrated by Cheech Marin

• NFT Road Show: That's Also Worthless

• Mythbusters 2022: The 2020 Stolen Election

Here are the shows and movies that HBO Max is removing from their lineup this month:

• Stop Motion Circle Jerk

• Game show: Hold This Over Your Head

• Karens fighting over a size L pair of Spanx

• X-Men: Remedial Class

• Racist Masseuse: He's the Worst! (But He's Good)

• Logan and Jake Paul Have a Baby

A Musical Entry

♫ Summit, Summit, Summit Thai... ♫ 

This name tag for an "Alba" at Subway= Albaway

♫ When somebody loves you, it's no good unless he loves you... Albaway ♫

♫ Total Wine... love isn't always on time... ♫

Dramatic Interpretation of the Descriptions on the Trim Men Personal Care Grooming Set

The other day we noticed that the descriptions of the items included in the Trim Men Personal Care Set were written rather heroically. Here now are the unspoken movie taglines that accompany each descriptor:

Nail Clipper: Cut nails into an oval shape. SQUARE NAILS NEVER HAD A CHANCE.

Toenail Clipper: Start at one side and cut straight across to prevent ingrown toenails. INGROWN TOENAILS, THIS IS YOUR FINAL NOTICE.

Personal Care Scissors: Rounded edges makes cutting nose, ear or facial hair quick and easy. SUDDENLY BEING HAIRY ISN'T SCARY.

Sapphire File: Hold file at a 45 degree angle and file in one direction only. HER NAME WAS SAPPHIRE. BUT SHE DIDN'T SWING BOTH WAYS.

Comb: Use to style hair. (stet)

Storage Case: Great for travel. FROM BETHLEHEM, PENNSYLVANIA TO NAZARETH, PENNSYLVANIA, THIS CASE WAS READY FOR ANYTHING.

 

It's Somehow Time Once Again To Play "Which Can, Erickson?"

Match the unknown toilets above with their respective location below, indicated by noble gas:

HELIUM: Broadway Comedy Club, NYC

NEON: Purple Parrot Grill, Rehoboth Beach, Delaware

ARGON: Holy Cross Hospital, Silver Spring, MD

KRYPTON: Pavilion Arcade, Point Pleasant, NJ

XENON: The Green Mill, Chicago

RADON: Legoland, Detroit

Did you know? Noble gases have a full outer electron shell which makes these elements non-reactive.

Answers will appear tomorrow!

The Latest Upcoming Instagram Stars

Instagram, the Twitter for people who can't read, has become a breeding ground for many new online personalities. Here now are the latest Instagrammers to follow:

J3ffBladen

• 826 posts
• 85.8k followers 
• 171 following

J3ffBladen mainly posts photos of him wearing his designer shirts, his midcentury modern house in Malibu, and screenshots of his major accomplishments on Sims 3.

tanyaandsherri

• 1226 posts
• 8.2k followers 
• 4500 following

Mostly a gag Instagram account, Tanya and Sherri are actually two teenage boys from Vermont who hide bundt cakes and swim floaties in their yoga pants to prank people.

cake

• 3 posts
• 9 followers 
• 2 following

Little is known about the man in Helsinki named "Cake," except that he has some very strong opinions on fracking and about the latest 6 "X-Files" episodes.

BamonisBroadside

• 489 posts
•  333 followers 
• 63k following

Bamonis Broadside is a 19 year old vegan fashion designer in the Bronx who can recite every line in "The Tempest" and who has never owned a television. He is FUCKING UNBEARABLE.

kathlovesjimmo

• 35k posts
• 6.3M followers 
• 0 following

Engaged couple Kath and Jimmo love each other so much, they started an Instagram account together. 6 million followers tune in every day to watch them document every detail of their loving love life and the lives of those they love. 6 million people need to get a fucking life.

Hallmark Christmas Movie Quiz

Here's a fun little game: try to match each Hallmark Channel "Countdown to Christmas" movie to their synopsis. It's harder than it looks!

1) "Charming Christmas" starring Julie Benz, David Sutcliffe and Bruce Gray

2) "Christmas Land" starring Nikki Deloach, Luke MacFarlane and Maureen McCormick

3) "Christmas Incorporated" starring Shenae Grimes-Beech, Steve Lund and Jane Moffat

4) "I Spit On Your Grave 3: Vengeance Is Mine" starring Jennifer Landon, Doug McKeon and Gabriel Hogan

-------------------------------------------------------------

a) After inheriting a Christmas tree farm, a woman's plans to sell it change when she falls in love with the townspeople and meets a charming lawyer named Tucker.

b) After being brutally raped, Jennifer Hills changes her name to Angela, moves to New York, and joins a support group and hopes for a new life. But when her new friend's murderer goes free, Jennifer will do whatever she can for vengeance.

c) When a young businesswoman plays Mrs Claus at her family's department store over Christmas, her life begins to take some unexpected turns.

d) A man inherits a company that has a toy factory in a small town, but the town needs the factory to stay open. He has to decide to keep or close the factory, and finds the meaning of Christmas (and love) along the way.

Answers someday!

What If The NJ Transit Survey People Were Trees?

I know it's been a while since we've covered this venerated group. And I know there are a lot of you who have been wondering, "if those six people had been born as different types of trees, what would they be?" Well, wait no more for an answer, for here it is, dendrophiles, a guide from EADJ in association with the National Park Service:

1) "Jesse"

Jesse is solid, reliable, and strong. But maybe a bit boring. And probably not around when things start to cool down, so not an evergreen. Jesse would be a Big Leaf Maple.

2) "Jess"

This one is easy. With flailing limbs, slender build and impressive height, Jesse would easily be a Weeping Willow. You go, Jess!

3) "Angie"

Now, I know you're expecting us to just make her a bush because she's just a floating head, LOL blah blah blah. But you're not seeing the true nature of Angie: sensible, sensitive and more than a little tired of people's "guff." Slight but strong. That's Angie. And that's the Ohio Buckeye.

4) "Trina"

Shapely. Flirtatious. Lecherous. Widely cultivated as a flowering ornamental throughout the temperate world. Yep, that's Trina. A Staghorn Sumac if I ever saw one.

5) "Don With The Thumbs"

With outer branches that are often pendulous with curled tips, the Horse Chestnut was the first and only contender for dear Don. Also, what has two thumbs and has seed extract used for its venotonic effect, vascular protection, anti-inflammatory and free radical scavenging properties? This guy!

6) "Simon Peter"

Pass. That guy bores me. Shit, only one more to do? Fine. I chose Canoe Birch because it's the closest one to the word "bitch." Happy? Cool. We're done here!

Give A Man A Pathmark And You Feed Him For A Day...

This wasn't misfiled- I just thought these two items were interesting together:

And my favorite of this batch:

Sweet potato!

Some Watercolor Animals And Their Terrible Confessions