Let's Tack A "Do Not Resuscitate" Sign To The EADJ Mail Sack When It's Sleeping! ***TEXTARIFFIC ENTRY***

A text from John Reid:

 

A submission for the next EADJ Pun Cops from Andrew Gall:

 

A "shorter, fatter and saltier" version of Scott Peterson, submitted by Larry Liss:

 

Also submitted by John Reid: "Ha."

 

A texted photo from Tom Weingard: "Found in the trash in a bathroom in a Greek restaurant in Union Square."

This texted to me from my brother Jay: "How dare they."

 

And finally, yet another entry submitted by John Reid: "Good to see you the other day."

Thanks to all the submitters. You guys have big dicks.

Let's Empty The Oil Pan Of the EADJ Mail Sack!

From Larry L., a link from Gizmodo about the latest Star Wars merch:

"Even I think this is awesome.
And I'm not into Star Wars."

Link


Yes, it is indeed awesome, but think about it: it's an enlarged representation of a Lego toy version of a Stormtrooper. With a clock in its belly. How more removed from the original trilogy can you be? Other than "Attack Of The Clones," of course.

Smecial Dreams Interpretations Entry!

"I dreamed last night that I was working at C-K again, and Marshall called me personally to ask me to come back but said I had to respond quickly if I wanted the job."

-Andrew Gall


----------


What could Andrew's dream mean? We asked some experts:

"Andrew’s latent homosexual attraction to Marshall is once again rearing its ugly head in his dreams." -M. Litos

"Mommy issues." -L. Liss

"I think Andrew is suppressing a desire to return to C-K, as well as a desire to vigorously make out with this Marshall lady. But I sense that his present circumstances are better for him in the long run, as suggested by the ultimatum laid upon him and the fact that Ms. Marshall is apparently a man." -T. Weingard

"Andrew clearly had fried chicken flavored Rosatti's pizza prior to bedtime." -N. Baker

"He struggles with many important decisions in his life and is not sure of his current path." - B. Sherman

"Hmmmm...if he's already back at C-K working, then Marshall's request to "come back" must refer to something other than work... What kind of "job" was Marshall offering? I'm not suggesting anything lurid, but actually I am Andrew wants his penis inside Marshall's mouth." -J. Thomas


BONUS: Raven Symone's iTunes Playlist!

Smecial Dreams Entry: Jessica II

"Talk about weird dreams. This one takes the cake. Last night I had a dream that Larry and I were concepting in this nice condo. He decided to start an adirondack chair on fire. I finally put it out, and he did nothing. It then made the floor collapse into the other condo. So then Larry and I are in the other condo looking up at the ceiling... Rick Haman (sic) comes in and yells at me and then Melissa Grein shows up. So weird."

-Jessica Foster


Totally weird. Like why would an art buyer show up when you're still concepting?

Let's Slap the Bottom of the EADJ Mail Sack in the Heat of Passion and Call It the Wrong Name!

Submitted by Michelle Litos via IM:

"Changing the conversation" was mentioned a total of 25 times during the C-K extravanza. Really....Larry and I counted. Then Larry heard it so much, he just stopped. But I kept going. Joel Curran was the only one that used the term "360"... Thank God... I was told someone else counted 29...but I was only counting the actual phrase. there was some variations. mostly adding another word into the phrase..."

And here are some results from Googling the phrase "Changing the Conversation:"

Thanks, Drummer for Supra Genius!

The Dangers of Being a Fanboy.

Pretty much everyone who knows Larry knows of his band, Supra Genius.

And those who receive Larry's Supra Genius emails know that they have a myspace site, where you can check out their excellent songs, shirtless-on-a-hay-wagon promo photos and latest news and whatnot:

Supra Genius on myspace

So the thing is, someone in the band responsible for putting them on myspace (Larry won't say who) got all "friend request" crazy when the spam hookers came calling— he said "YES!" and let such dubious individuals as "DaNIeLLEmaBeLLe," "[NaTaLiA]," and "AnGeLgRaCE" into their circle of friends. So now when someone legit (aka ME) became friends with Supra Genius, the spam hookers latched onto my profile and have infected my inbox like a case of digital herp-herps:



So I say to you Amber Lynn, oOoJENNAoOo, ♥ CrAzY/BeAuTiFuL♥, PaTTYCakeZ, JoannaBanana, I R MEGSTAH, GRkGRL,...MiMi...♥, [vividAlt.], Tushiba, (:dRAMMAKwEEEEEn*:), BETHANY T**TSm and Matt Webb, STOP SPAMMING ME, YOU SLUTS!!!!!! Thank you.

Let's Hogtie the EADJ Mail Sack To A Radiator in the Basement!

(submitted by Larry, some sage advice for Scott Peterson)

Unfortunate Logo of the Month

There's not exactly a plethora of vaj in a blog named "Eat a Dick, Joel," so it's always refreshing to find a nice slit or tomahawk wound when it wanders through our doors. But what's disturbing about this unfortunate logo is that the cooter looks propped open with chopsticks.

But maybe that's just the dirty minds of the EADJ editing staff. What did other people in the office have to say?

A "G" is born. -Larry

Cool but meaningless and dated. 2001 -Matt Webb

Someone really needs a trim down there. -Michelle Litos, who probably has used her ginormous box of Brazilian wax by now (see all of the May 3 entries)

Is this the e-vite for Boblett and Brad's going away party???? -Lauren F

Those 3 horizontal rectangular shapes might look nice Feeling like those arc shapes, top one going up, bottom One going down, and the center one emulating the center Shape (with the "G") but rotate 90 degrees and 1/4 as fat. Move the 2 dots around the "THE" and replace the arrows. - The always professional Andrea Park

Educational material for men of all ages. Prodding sticks, not included. - Nikki Baker, whose train keeps rollin'

A yonic logo to match a high class bar, unlike Cans. -J'Net

And what do you think of the logo, Pewter Bear?


Fuck off, Pewter Bear. You don't know shit.

Spotted: Dick

Larry and Flicklicker are the latest in a series of recent sightings of Scott Peterson's less-high more-obese twin. Here is Larry's write-up:

Yes. Flick and I had a SFVOSP spotting last night (My second of the day). Which I’m told means I have to write something about this glorious moment. But since I’m getting the sense that people are growing weary of this topic, I think I can get away with repurposing an old letter to Penthouse Forum.

Dear Penthouse Forum EADJ Editor,

I can’t believe this actually happened to me Phil and I. There I was in the Kinko’s just after midnight, we were on the escalator of the Illinois Center at 5:30, when there I saw this smoking hot cashier bent over a copier, in a sexy low-cut skirt, allowing me a view of her ass-crack. The SVSOP In ill-fitting Toughskins, which gave us a view of his ass-crack.

She stood up and she gave me a knowing smile. A smile that said we were going to fuck. The SVSOP looked at us weirdly. A look that said, “why the fuck are all these people staring at me?” We stared at each other for what seemed like hours and then she began fumbling for my jeans and the bulge in my pants I began fumbling in my pants for my cell phone. Before I knew it we were going at it like animals. We went at it everywhere. On computers. Scanners. Desks. She even let me stick a stapler in her ass. After a half hour of screwing each other’s brains out, we collapsed in a sweaty heap on the floor, repeating the act three more times in the next hour. It was a night I’ll never forget. The SFVOSP was gone before we could get a pic. We were disappointed.

Name Withheld Phil and Larry

(pictured above, the altercation captured on a Post It)

The Shorter Fatter Longest Running Schtick on EADJ

Submitted by Matt Spett:
Larry and I saw Scott Peterson look-alike in the elevator about a half-hour ago. I tried to capture the moment but it didn't work out so well. Just want it to be documented on EADJ.

Submitted by Larry Liss, who's been reading way too much WWTDD:
And by "couldn't capture the moment" he means "completely inept at working the camera function on his cell phone."

Blargity blobbity Matt joins the list blabbity bloobity bottom of this page bloggity blerm.

How To Make Larry Look Black.

(pictured above, Larry overhears a conversation about Pat Boone and teeth whiteners)

¢¢¢ SFVOSP: DEVELOPING STORY ¢¢¢

The Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson was briefly spotted when an elevator stopped on the 22nd floor of 225 North Michigan. A witness glimpsed him when an elevator stopped on 22. The doors to an opposite elevator were closing and he could be seen very, very briefly. He remains very elusive.

What this means:

1) The SFVOSP definitely works in this building.

2) The SFVOSP likely works in the same elevator bank as Cramer-Krasselt.

3) The SFVOSP probably works on the 22nd floor.

4) Joe Nudelman (don't laugh), Andrew Gall, Larry Liss, Todd Crisman, and David Estoye are not delusional.

More to come as this story develops.

(picture above, a witness' rendition of the SFVOSP as seen from the elevator)

¢¢¢¢¢ SFVOSP Update 2 ¢¢¢¢¢

(the following is a firsthand account from Larry Liss, who, along with Andrew Gall, spotted the SFVOSP Wednesday night)

Having witnessed the entire scene, I can tell you that Andrew's story is 98% true. The other 2% is that Andrew seemed to be touching himself.

(pictured above, Larry Liss' version of the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson, spotted on Wednesday night)

*****SFVOSP@CVS*****

(the following is a firsthand account from Andrew Gall, who spotted the SFVOSP last night)

The time: approximately 6:20 pm. The place: CVS. The scene: The shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson waiting to pick up some photos. The weather was unseasonably warm yesterday, and the SFVOSP clearly took notice. He was clad in a short-sleeved plaid shirt, jeans, and had sunglasses atop his head. He looked fairly anxious; perhaps if he had revealed his status as the SFVOSP to the CVS photo technician, perhaps he would have received his photos in a more timely manner. It cannot be known for certain. What is certain is that he is alive, well, and still shorter and fatter. My eyewitness report was corroborated minutes later by Larry Liss, who saw the SFVOSP still waiting. And still being shorter and fatter.

(pictured above, Andrew's own rendering of the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson)

Editor's Note: When asked if he thought it was actually Scott Peterson at first, Andrew said, "No. I knew exactly who it was."