6 Lies Told By The Subway Nutrition Pamphlet

 

1) Subway doesn't usually serve philodendron leaves in their sandwiches. Well, maybe if they're out of lettuce.

2) Onions aren't in every single salad and sandwich. Unless that's what you want. Why do you like onions so much, by the way? Get away from me, Onion Lover.

 

3) Subway failed to mention the best "right choice," which is to not eat at Subway.

4) Middle column. They ran out of things to limit after oil because they just gotta have that double meat. Wink wink.

5) The 6" Turkey Breast is mistakenly under the heading "sandwich."

6) It turns out that Jared had never eaten the Italian B.M.T.® to lose the weight he lost back when he had lost some weight. He did, however, use it to prop open the door when the Dominos delivery guy would stop by to rub his shoulders. Nothing sexual or anything.


EADJ is proud to announce that the "6 Lies" series has been picked up by the Starz network for an original 14-episode season. Jay Baruchel, Blair Underwood, and Gemma Arterton have been in talks to star as the numbers "3," "4," and "6," respectively. Keep watching this space for the latest casting news! Starz. Taking You Places™.

The SFVOSP: A Philosophical Conundrum

Sometime last week, Balls spotted the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson. She was not completely surprised by seeing him, since she had spotted the enigmatic Mr. Wood before, but what really struck her this time was how much weight the SFVOSP had seemed to have gained.

So much weight, in fact, that she didn't think it even resembled Scott Peterson anymore.

This begs the question: How short and fat is TOO short or too fat and still resemble Scott Peterson? At what point is a doppelganger taken so far as to break any connection to its double? We asked the descendents of some of history's greatest philosophers what they thought of the conundrum:

"I don't understand the question."
Craig Descartes,
Assistant Manager at Chili's Express

"No one can ever be too fat to resemble someone else. No wait, yes they can, right?"
Katie Aristotle
Work-at-home mother

"This conundrum is probably the fault of Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama."
Brit Hume
Fox News Anchor

"I like turtles."
Andrew Descartes Gall, referencing something only a few people get.

(pictured above, the gloriously expensive new peepee and poopoo rooms at Cramer-Krasselt, which will necessitate another cheapie Christmas party at Hard Rock Hotel this year)