An Open Letter To Pinto Beans

Hi Pinto Beans,

I've never written a letter to you before. Not sure why I'm writing now. I guess I just wanted to check in with you, making sure you're okay. We've known each other for decades now, and the truth is, you and I never talk.

And why is that? It's not like we've lost touch with each other. I often see you at Chipotle or at any taco truck in Austin, TX.

Yes, I know you're busy. Both of us are, believe me! But it's good to just touch base and catch up so we don't lose track of each other.

Okay, I'll come clean now. Full disclosure. I was just wondering if you somehow knew "Slumdog Millionaire" actress Freida Pinto. I sure would like to meet her- she's gorgeous.

Can you hook a brother up?

A Special Message From The Bassist From Spit My Rage

Hi guys.

I'm Dougie, bassist for the hardcore band Spit My Rage. You might remember me from my brutal bass licks on the song "Curse You Out" and from the video for "Knife Heart."

No? Maybe you've memorized the slap-bass style (something I've worked on for six months!) on "P*ss Drunk and Plenty." Or a similar style I used on the main hook for "Darkened Lighthouse," the B-side to our second single, "Scream On, Tabitha."

Still, nothing? That's cool. You follow the band as a whole and haven't learned all the individual band member's names. I guess it doesn't help things that most of our album sales (almost 300!) on iTunes doesn't include liner notes. So I can understand that.

Spit My Rage. You've heard of us, right? Spit My Rage? We're all over the place. We played the Beholden Tour 2006-2009. We were onstage with Cruss at the Milwaukee Summerfest, for crying out loud. We're friggin' famous!

No? Fuck you.

Ready or Not, Here I Dick

In an attempt to attract more Joel-like diners, Perkins Family Restaurants around the country are now offering dick in many of their entreés.

Their open-faced turkey sandwich has replaced their traditional cranberry sauce with diced dick, and the fisherman's hoagie, which once had lettuce and tartar sauce, now has dick. On their breakfast menu, they have completely dropped smoked kielbasa sausage from the offerings to make room for plenty of dick.

The decor of the restaurants have changed, also. The once country-like and homey interiors are now very Joel-friendly, with blank sheets of screenplay paper on the walls and countless photos of Asian women.

Quite a gamble for a traditional family restaurant, but what the fuck, right.

(pictured above, La Bamba on Halsted promises "Burritos As Big As Your Head In Rear.")

**URGENT UPDATE** Balls has just reported to EADJ that at Burrito Beach today, she spotted "A Tanner, More Sinister Version Of Brad Harvey."