6 Lies Told By The Dutch Wonderland Brochure

1) "Duke's Lagoon: Water Play Area" - Maybe I'm ruined by the Internet, but that sounds like both shit and piss.

2) Dinosaurs Come to Life on Exploration Island" - The dinosaur necromancer doesn't bring the dinosaurs to full life, per se. He actually temporarily animates the long dead corpses of the dinosaurs for children's amusement but mercifully allows them to rest once the kids leave.

3) This illustration is exaggerated. There are actually only two gondolas in the sky ride.

4) Take your picture with all your favorite non-Disney characters like Prince Pleasant, Princess Belle Cinderhontas, or The Big Wizzer.

5) Duke has a fake ID and will buy your teenage and tween kids beers. Just be cool about it.

6) There's nothing children at a theme park love more than sitting still in a cabana.

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Hardee's and Carl's Jr. are proud to announce 6 Fries Bold, a limited menu item that combines spicy seasoned french fries with unrelenting falsehoods that come in half dozens. The fries will come in both Large and Extra Large cone sizes, and will sell for $3.99/$4.99, respectively.

Ruler Zig-Zag-Zig Allah Jam is Fatal/Quick To Stick My Pathmark Sword Right Through Your Navel

UAG

An IM Bon Mot

Submitted by Ranee Wu:

As The Retinas Burn

Yvette's Bridal Formal is currently a link on the EADJ sidebar, and holy fuck, is it one hideous website:


Here are some IM responses from people:

Ranee


Joanne


Bill Dow


Tom


J'Net

Similarity

Pictured from left, Ranee Wü, Günther.

Another Smecial Dreams Entry!

We asked folks if they had any weird dreams lately:





"Ummmmm, no. I actually am not a big dreamer."
- Joanne S





"I started working at a sushi restaurant with Ranee Wu. It was like a party sushi house...everyone's getting fucked up I couldn't remember any of the rolls. I was a horrible server. That was two nights ago, and I kept chain smoking. It was weird– I was in a weird Asian culture and I was the white girl. What's that mean?"
– Lauren Fontinel







"I dreamt I was in purgatory, but then I realized I was daydreaming at work so I don't think that counts."
- Lorraine S







"A guy with no pants on checked me in at the airport. That was a dream I had like a week ago."
- Andrew Gall








"I have very vivid true-to-life dreams. Not like, 'I was flying with a sea turtle and then Big Bird ate me.'"
- Beth Stone, who often dreams of the snack machine having the crackers she likes




"I had a dream I was running from the law. My friend had stolen something and I was the innocent guy with him, driving into parking garages hiding, running on foot... cops getting closer....then I woke up. Swear to God... I think I need to change something in my life or confront something..."
- Brent Caukin

Let's Gamble the EADJ Mail Sack's Life Savings Away on Keno!

Submitted by John Reid, a photo that we cannot accept due to the fact that EADJ has retired the whole Curlz MT bit:


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Submitted by Emily Kane via email:

Actual phone conversation had by me and sander earlier today…

Me: we’re eating in the Kriv

Sander: you’re eating the Kriv? like, the Curlz sign?

Me: yeah.

Me: …

Me: i wonder what Curlz MT tastes like.


Sadly, we cannot accept this entry, either.

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Submitted by Jessica, an IM convo between her and Suz:


Here is the EADJ post they're talking about.
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Submitted by Ranee Wu via IM:

♥♥♥ EADJ Connections, Part 4 ♥♥♥

Today, Ayana contacted the EADJ offices in New York to report an EADJ connection: that a C-K candidate forgot her last name, googled "Ayana" and "Cramer-Krasselt," and found Ayana looking at a Goatse from our October 2 entry!

"Hysterical. If you google me, there's a giant shot of an ANUS that I'm looking at!!! Love it." Ayana added.

Good sleuthing, potential C-K replacement for Ranee Wu!

Also today, Michelle Litos reported that her old classmate who had found her through EADJ had just contacted her through Facebook, another stalker's wonderland:



The super-weird thing, though, is that the dude sort of resembles EADJ Editor David Estoye, but with a winning smile and dimples:


What's with the grocery store roses? And is that motherfucker wearing a cape? Weirdo.

Michelle could not confirm the whereabouts of Karen, Sandy or Melanie.

These latest EADJ connections confirm a widely held belief that through the combined forces of Google and Eat a Dick Joel, anyone can find a photo of anyone else taking a poop. Thanks, technology!

***UPDATE*** It is possible, however unconfirmed, that Michelle's college friend is actually Lestat, the famous vampire from the Anne Rice novels.

Smecial Dreams Entry!

"I had a dream last night that Jen Stankovic was a fire marshall and she was leading a bunch of people downstairs...Weird."
-Michelle Litos

"I had a dream last night that Marshall was yelling at me. Jesus."
-Andrew Gall

"Ranee Wu had a dream about me in a thong. HOT."
-David Estoye

"I had a dream about John Carstens criticizing my ceilings."
-Marshall Ross

"I have never seen the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson."
-Vince Soliven

(pictured above, while Vince tries to decide between chicken and barbacoa burrito bowls for the 800th time, I'm wondering what would wash down goat curry best.

EADJ: The People Connector

(pictured above, the first sign that a date ain't going so hot)

We've always known that the influence of the Eat a Dick Joel blog has been far-reaching, but we had no idea how it could actually reunite long-lost acquaintances. There have been two of these "EADJ Encounters" reported as of this writing:

A certain party nicknamed "Balls" who has asked to remain anonymous, although her real name is Michelle Litos, reported that some dude from college tracked her down by Googling her, finding her name on the blog, and then writing to the EADJ administrator to get her email address. This remarkable tenacity can only be described as EXTREMELY FUCKING CREEPY.

Another anonymous reader who we'll call "Mister Gall" told EADJ that some random guy contacted him on his myspace page with the subject line "Tava Smiley is hotter, barely." This can only mean that the reader tracked down Andrew through the EADJ entry from just two days ago!

The cultural influences of EADJ are vast and immeasurable. So to those of you who went to college with Lauren Fontinel and would like to stalk her, you can actually write to her at lfontinel@c-k.com or mail her at:

Lauren Fontinel
c/o Cramer-Krasselt
225 North Michigan
24th Floor, Team Brownie
Chicago, IL 60601
(312)616-9600

Cheers, stalkers!


***SUPER-RELEVANT SEXUAL PREDATOR UPDATE***
Ranee Wu has just reported that a couple of people, including some dude she used to date, found her through the blog. "weird. it's creepy because you know they google our names," she wrote without using caps.

Summer Reading. Some Sweating.

Tabletent Reading II

Getting Famouser!

If ever there were a good time to be Joel, that time would be now.

Sony Music has asked Joel to write the liner notes for Fantasia Barrino's next album.

"The, ah, styre. And, ah, the humol which Joer uses in his writing has made him perfect candidate," said Sony's stereotypical Japanese and sometimes Chinese spokesman Takeshi Xiu, "We rike velly much Joer's writing in Wicked Wicked Games. Big Happy Fun Time Explosion!"

In addition to the Fantasia liner notes, Joel has also been asked to write a fax spam sheet and a sign for one of the broken copy machines.

"I'm thinking either 'COPIER DOWN' or 'OUT OF ORDER– PLEASE USE THE ONE ON THE 14TH FLOOR.'" said a clearly psyched Joel, on the assignment.

When asked about Joel's extracurricular activities of eating massive amounts of dick, Xiu had this to say:

"Why you think we hire him? We want our dick eated too!"

Then everyone at the press conference had a long, hearty laugh that froze when the credits started rolling.

(pictured above, will.i.am, apl.de.ap, Taboo, and Fergie say 'Fuck it.' And the inevitable fallout by the hipster crowd ensues)

It's time to play "That's Funny Cuz!"

That's funny,cuz...

*** UPDATE *** Eat a Dick Joel has now reached 150 entries! We'd like to thank Joel Thomas for the opportunity and for giving us so much to work with. "Eat a dick" to all who helped get us here! Excelsior!

TheRightSideofRyan'sFace-a-Palooza!

(pictured above, the right side of Ryan's face working on godawful TV Guide crap and the right side of Ryan's face making fun of Ranee having to work on godawful Dex crap)

Meanwhile, in the Creative Annex,

Two unbelievable fatties fight over a huge hamhock before heading to Navy Pier for fried dough and biscuits 'n gravy.

And What You Joel Is What You Dick

Luggage!

Joel went luggage shopping today at TravelPro in Santa Monica, hoping to find a light roller for his weekend dick-eating jaunts up the PCH.

He liked a blue medium upright, but the pockets were too shallow, and the wheels, although they did swivel in all directions, didn't have a brake mechanism (This second feature is important to Joel when he eats dick while waiting at a cab stand).

A silver hardside roller caught his eye, but the awkward handle and the $300 price tag weren't to his liking. Also, the compartments were too small to carry all his dick-eating paraphernalia and equipment.

Joel finally settled on a beige Walkabout Lite. It had a nice garment-hanging handle, two deep pockets for both weed and dick, and the expandable front flap sealed the deal. Joel could barely contain his erection as he skipped with the roller to his convertible Rabbit. His chimp servant seemed to enjoy the ride as well. On his erection.

(pictured above, Ranee Wu gets paid by pirating some holistic medicine booklet horseshit )

**SUZEMILY THEATRE UPDATE** Thanks to the persistent urgings of fans like Phil Flicklicker, both charter members of the Suzemily Theatre Players have agreed to return to the stage on Friday. The duo were seen rehearsing a scene from Grey's Anatomy earlier Wednesday by the Foursquare Court in the Creative Department Annex. Ticketmaster will open the box office at 7am tomorrow. Tickets start at $8 plus an $89 convenience charge.

Suzie and Ranee refuse to Thread the Needle.

Because there's a meeting in there. Pussies.

The Suzemily Players, Act III?

(Editor's note: One of the regular Suzemily Players is out of town, so her understudy Emily Kane is filling in. This does not necessarily constitute Suzemily quorum. More on that later.)

This is where body text usually goes.

(pictured above, the Suzemily Players* perform a scene from American Idol)

*Up for debate