Ummmmm...

 Amazon advertises a felony machine:

Someone on FB sells a bunch of local misdemeanors:

An Imagined Conversation.

Publicist: Good morning, everyone. Shall we get started?

Record Label Exec: Yes. Our album release date is in 90 days. We have distribution lined up, marketing has been budgeted, and radio stations all have gotten a heads up. But we still need a title for the album.

Recording Artist: What is this pink stuff on the bagels? Is this fish?

Record Label Exec: Err, I think that's lox.

Recording Artist: Who?

Publicist: It's fish. Salmon, specifically.

Record Label Exec: (pause) Anyway, we have video hosting appearances squared away with Fuse and MTV, but they both requested album artwork, and we still need to name the CD...

Recording Artist: There's like boogers on the fish, too.

(silence)

Publicist: Those are capers.

Recording Artist: (pokes at bagel)

Publicist: (clears throat) Well, we want an album title that reflects a new phase in the artist's career. Something that shows depth and maturity.

Recording Artist: Holy shit, they taste like boogers too! Nasty!

Record Label Exec: How about "This Is Me," or some crap? Seems to always work. It makes them seem to bare their soul and contemplate their existence and legacy in the music world.

Publicist: Done. (to Recording Artist) Let's get a McMuffin for you.

Recording Artist: I dressed myself!

EADJ Album Artwork Project, Music Revealed

So, yesterday Andrew and Michelle guessed what some bands sounded like based on the album artwork. Here we evaluate how well they guessed in a little EADJ listening party.


Album #1: "It's Hard To Be A Diamond In A Rhinstone (sic) World" by Blood On the Dance Floor
Track: "Save the Rave"


Michelle and Andrew had both used the word "slinky" to describe the music. Uncanny!

Andrew: "Yep, slinky sounds are definitely there. Chipmunking it up. Sounds like horses dry heaving. I was spot on with this one."



Album #2: "It's Always Gully In Philadelphia, Season 3" by Various

Track: "Gun You Down Tonight" by Cassidy



Michelle had assumed too much about this one. She was somehow thinking this would be socially conscious rap, sort of Arrested Development meets N.W.A. But Andrew being the hip-hop connoisseur that he is (he just saw the Rock The Bells show on the west coast), detected something more expected. Also, maybe the bullet holes tipped him off.


Album #3: "Demo" by Slow Motion Noise

Track: "Hope and a Reason (Demo)"



Michelle: "Awful Autotune! So terrible and derivative... I never would have gone that way with them."

Andrew: "Couldn’t listen to more than 20 seconds. Makes me think of that picture of those 20 extra tan jersey douchebags at the club."


Album #4: "Hooked On Ebonics" by Radiobaghdad

Track: "Poor Flipper"



Both Andrew and Michelle were thrown by the artwork on this one. So much that they guessed an entire genre off.

Andrew: "Wow, was I off. Not jamerican in any way. Not homophobic either. I think he said something about whales or manatees, which deserves points. In short, rawr rawr rawr."

Michelle: "Yeah. I was totally off on that one. It's way more punk..."



Album #5: "Beat Kids" by Beat Kids

Track: "Who The Fuck Is Joey Fenton?"



Andrew: "Voice sounds like poop. Typical guitars. Seems like they want to be an odd Matchbox 20-Rancid mash up. Nast."

Michelle: "Actually, the Beat Kids one sounds a lot like I thought it would..."



Album #6: "The Undislodgable Nugget Scenario" by Super Fun Happy Slide

Track: "Revenge of the Afterstench"



Michelle: "I love the name Revenge of the Afterstench! And that it sounds like a bullfrog puking!"

Andrew: "My biggest regret in life may be that I never reviewed this previously to match up with what I write here. They are fucking beastly. Literally, I think it is a horde of mammals with tails and matted fur."

Sublime Nonsense

As always, click to enlarge:

*****Superbreaking NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!*****

EADJ has just acquired what is reportedly a new "Summer-themed" tabletent from Corner Bakery. Editors have confirmed the existence of a new, badly-written manifesto on the side, although its contents have not been examined or shared yet with the public. EADJ will be shooting the next round of dramatic readings of this new tabletent once its authenticity can be confirmed.