Episode Summaries For This Week's Chicago ____________

Another week, another dump of public servant procedural programming by NBC. Here are the latest goings on of the fictional firemen, doctors and cops who proudly serve a real city:

Chicago Fire

Season 12, Episode 5: "Thus Spake SaraThrusta"

Captain Emberg loses his lower dentures while horsing around with Joey. Ladder 82 fights an out of control inferno affecting multiple buildings on Lake Shore Drive with the help of a truckload of Kool Aid Jammers. Sara's OnlyFans page is discovered, right before her performance review with the fire chief.

Chicago Med

Season 10, Episode 12: "The More You Know"

Dr. Carnegie and Wilhelm make a gentleman's agreement about the urinals. The Intensive Care night staff have a potluck. Nurse Hadley lets a patient die to make a point.

Chicago P.D.

Season 43, Episode 2: "Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, and Miranda Rights"

Wilson, Dupri, and Sanchez escalate their circle game. A citywide ring of shoplifters is left alone after all the seized clothes they found were the wrong size. Tybalt shows his dong to the only witness to a murder.

Episode Summaries For This Week's Chicago ____________ on NBC

The following are episode synopses for Chicago Med, Chicago Fire, and Chicago P.D., all on NBC.

Chicago Med

Season 7, Episode 6: "Cuntography"

Bailey's patients all develop infections shortly after she visits a bodega salad bar. Dr. Ackerlee makes a supernatural prediction about the mysterious kid in ICU. The basement is flooded with pus.

Chicago Fire

Season 8, Episode 3: "Sophie Ellis-Bextor's Choice"

Chief Hargrove develops a crush on the Bulls mascot. Two fire stations claim jurisdiction over Soldier Field as it burns. Somebody left a brat in Jonesy's locker for the 8 weeks he was on vacation.

Chicago P.D.

Season 12, Episode 4: "Hardly As Hard"

Gambino strikes it rich on a scratch off ticket and pays off all his poker debts. Detective Lambert and Kimmy make an arrest at an antiques and esoteric book dealer, where they discover a mysterious amulet with the power to bend reality and transport you through multiple dimensions and Intellectual Properties. Barker's meter maid cart gets stolen again.

Episode Synopses From Last Week's Chicago ___________

Chicago P.D.

S8E06 "Paris Is Churning"

Officer Hargraves gets his foot stuck in a bilko door. Katherine seizes power of the break room. Detective Octavio reminisces about meeting last year's arrest quota.

Chicago Med

S6E11 "Upon Whose Crown"

Doctor Langford swaps patients with a resident, with both fatal and hilarious results. Jameel unveils his new "triple blind" management style. A delirious ER patient damages every car in the parking lot with his dong.

Chicago Fire

S10E02 "Sideways March"

Wrigleyville burns down because of a stray hot dog fire. Chief Welwood finds a way to wear his overalls without pinching his gigantic penis. Sarah and Gideon make peace with their Libertarian neighbors.

This Week In Chicago Whatever

 The following are plot summaries from this week's episodes:

Chicago P.D.

Sergeant Wilford finally finds his service weapon in a beanbag chair. The openly homophobic coffee vendor meets his match with Dylan and Gordy. Special appearance by Janeane Garofalo as police brutality protestor Bella Valimus.

Chicago Med

A coma patient wakes up and can only speak in Portuguese. Three med students agree to a polyamorous relationship. Dr. Galloway thinks his new mirror sunglasses look pretty fly.

Chicago Fire

A high school conducts a fire drill that turns into a real fire, which confuses the fire department. Driver Engineer Kevin challenges the younger EMS crew to a dance-off. Dispatcher Sophie shows off her knowledge of Emily Bronte poetry.

This Week In Chicago Whatever

 The following are episode synopses for this week:

Chicago P.D.

Criminologist Harren Walker joins the team. Kelsey can't get her locker open. Some young punks give Sgt. Dukey a new nickname. 

Chicago Med

The NICU nurses throw a party at the worst time. Theresa and Donovan bury the hatchet in the commissary. Without his glasses, Dr. Carrow sutures his fingers together.

Chicago Fire

Battalion Chief Baldwin confronts an old nemesis. Kaitlyn reveals her diagnosis to the other EMS technicians. Lieutenant Klein burns his dick off at the training center.

This Week In Chicago Whatever

 The following are episode synopses for this week:

Chicago P.D.

Forensic analyst Barrows loses his favorite pen in one of the bodies. Hockney comes back from City Hall to gloat about how easy the job of bailiff is. Chief Wilson is outraged that someone booted his car as a prank.

Chicago Med

Chief Surgeon Manacle explains his fear of ferrets. Manuel and Diandra do it in the supply closet, contaminating all of the latex gloves. A patient explodes into millions of spiders.

Chicago Fire

Everyone goes to Mr. Beef for lunch and has a great time. (special 2 hour episode)

This Week In Chicago Whatever

The following are episode synopses for this week:

Chicago P.D.

Danny impregnates Police Chief Boynton. One of the K-9 officers gets into the evidence locker and eats all the hashish. There's a birthday party in the break room for Wayne.

Chicago Med

Dr. Donovan confronts Alice about the prank liver. The nursing staff is delighted when Serena proposes working down to a luxurious 12 hour shift. A hilarious outbreak of meningitis clears the top floor.

Chicago Fire

Tammy and Walter pause their argument to help with a four-alarm fire. Fire Marshall Andretti eats Sammo's kim chee again. A building collapses in the warehouse district but nobody hears it.

This Week in Chicago Whatever

The following are episode synopses for this week:

Chicago P.D.

Farrow discovers a dark secret about the break room fridge. Captain Stewart keeps getting confused with another captain whose first name is Stuart. A sloppy arrest results in the suspect going free and two cops misplacing their police duty belts.

Chicago Med

Dr. Wilson discovers a dark secret about the break room fridge. EMT Jenny has a beef with the trauma nurses over a vicious rumor about her breath. Everyone in Triage mysteriously gets hives.

Chicago Fire

Lieutenant Gordy discovers a dark secret about the break room fridge. Somebody parks in front of the station garage door. Everybody gets addicted to the "Dance Moms" marathon on TV.

This Week On Chicago Whatever

Note: I haven't watched any of these shows, so this is me just making 100% bullshit up that I imagine happens:

Chicago P.D.

Captain Sawyer takes a sabbatical after the parade disaster to work on his trucks. Cassidy and Noah find common ground at the station. Wesley shoots a child.

Chicago Med

Superintendent Laprey makes an ultimatum to his staff to improve hospital efficiency. Gabby discovers her ectopic pregnancy is twins. Buddy and Vernita start a prank war in the ICU.

Chicago Fire

Mr. Desouza fires Ricky over a sexist comment about his niece. Nerida confronts her stalker with a fire hose. Munroe's balls stick to his leg again.

Uncanny.

I attempted to recreate EADJ's shot of Mr. K watching TV in the break room of Chicago Unnamed Organization using AI, and the result was pretty darn uncanny:

I might be out of a job.

Episode Summaries From This Week's Chicago Whatevers

Chicago P.D.

• Sergeant Wilson gives up on learning origami

• Wallace and Bronchi respond to gunshots near the South Loop, don't see anything and find a vendor that sells real char-dogs!

• Inspector Lacey's relationship with her therapist prompts her to get another therapist.

Chicago Med

• Garcia quits as administrator so she can run for state senate. Nobody notices.

• Dr. Kilby and Dr. Schuul argue over whether the #21 scalpel should go to the left or right of the prep table.

• Somebody's cute dog is let loose on the fourth floor and causes a literal riot.

Chicago Fire

• Battalion Chief Nimitz wonders where that delicious smell of oysters is coming from.

• Fire Chief Drummond and Hannah have a long overdue heart-to-heart talk while sliding down the pole.

• Lieutenant Hoffs accidentally backs the fire engine into a hydrant and everyone gets to cool off in slow motion.

Sample Episode Summaries For Three Shows I've Never Watched

Season 2, Episode 4 "Hydroxy-Whore-a-Quine" 

Jeff and Mya form an unlikely alliance to undermine Nurse Langford's authority on the East Wing. Donghai borrows some medical equipment to form his own robot band. Alison sleeps around like a horse.

Season 6, Episode 12 "Chicken Scratch" 

Samuel denies Kara's request for a promotion and tells her why. Rookie Donovan finds himself in trouble again after losing evidence. Captain Trenton serves his squad from a baked chicken food cart.

Season 5, Episode 3 "Gunga Din" 

Carlos injures himself after goofing off on an engine. Marshall Thomas discovers how badly the budget cuts affect him. A four alarm fire in the warehouse district interrupts Game Night.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Calculate 25th Percentile

One instance in which you'll be viewing score percentiles is when you look at school rankings to figure out whether or not you even have a shot at getting in your school of choice. Let's say you're looking at the SAT scores for the Really Prestigious School you're thinking about attending, and you find yourself staring at this information from last year's incoming freshman when you peruse their website:

25th percentile scores for incoming freshmen: 1400

75th percentile scores for incoming freshmen: 1570

What does this mean? 25th percentile means that 25% of the accepted students made a 1400 or below on the test. It also means that 75% of the accepted students scored above a 1400. 75th percentile means that 75% of the accepted students made a 1570 or below on the test and that 25% of the accepted students scored above a 1570

The percentile rank formula is: R = P / 100 (N + 1). R represents the rank order of the score. P represents the percentile rank. N represents the number of scores in the distribution.

And speaking of scores, if you're on a date while riding in my limo, please don't ask me if people have ever had sex in the back of the car. The answer is always yes. Every time. Be safe, kids!

The Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

How'd you do? Who cares?

It's Time Again To Play "Which Can, Erickson?"

Match the above unknown toilets with the following locations:

1. Sea life Michigan Aquarium, Auburn Hills, Michigan

2. Museum of Math, NYC

3. Ramen Wasabi, Chicago

4. Lambert Seafood, Greenbelt, MD

5. Estero Cafe, Valley Ford, CA

6. Disney Contemporary Hotel, Orlando, FLA

The answers will be revealed tomorrow!

2 Things

I got this random text from a wrong number. So I responded.

A Hot, Three-Way IM Convo

Let's Scoop The Innards Out Of The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew Gall:

New pret a manger (shudder) opened in the merchandise mart today.

Giving away free food. Shuddering Madness!

EADJ Song Hate: "Hard To Say I'm Sorry" by Chicago

So it's been a while since the last installment of EADJ Song Hate, maybe because the songs on the radio have been so consistently enjoyable and high quality, that there was no reason to complain for over a year <\sarcasm>.

But I think it's time to dredge up this old bit again to express our fervent hate for a dusty from back in 1982: "Hard To Say I'm Sorry" by Chicago. I can't remember if the title is partly in parenths, either, like  "(It's) Hard To Say I'm Sorry" or "(It's Hard To) Say I'm Sorry" or "It's Hard To Say I'm Sorry (Fuck My Ears Are Bleeding Again)" but regardless, this song deserves the full attention of our Song Hate resources.

Let's start by saying that Chicago is a talented band, if maybe not your particular flavor of soft rock. Past songs like "25 or 6 to 4" and "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?" show a certain aptitude and musical range that Light Rock stations and guys named Wayne really get a hard-on for. But "(I Really Find It) Hard To (Say) I'm Sorry" is Chicago's first foray into truly sappy, intentionally honeydrenched pop chart-bait. This was a conscious, open-eyed career move for the group, and for that we cannot forgive them.

Let's break down this turd:

Okay, the melody is pleasant enough (perhaps suspiciously so). A piano, some "Love Story" strings, and Peter Cetera's signature nasal honking carve a suppository-shaped ballad that enters you without you noticing and then blossoms like an umbrella with sharp edges in your bowels.

The lyrics suck:

Everybody needs a little time away 
I heard her say, from each other 
Even lovers need a holiday 
Far away from each other 

Hold me now 
It's hard for me 
To say I'm sorry 
I just want you to stay 

After all that 
We've been through 
I will make it up to you 
I promise to 

And after all that's 
Been said and done 
You're just the part of me 
I can't let go 

Couldn't stand to be kept away 
Just for the day, from your body 
Wouldn't wanna be swept away 
Far away from the one that I love 

Hold me now 
It's hard for me 
To say I'm sorry 
I just want you to know 

Hold me now 
I really want to 
Tell you I'm sorry 
I could never let you go 

Okay, if it's so hard for him to say he's sorry, why is he okay with running his mouth about not wanting to be "swept away far away from the one that I love?" He's too proud to apologize, but he really needs to be held? What kind of pride-filled gutter pussy is this? Why would a woman want to hang around with such a simpering, sniveling man-child (Answer: big dick).

God, those lyrics are so embarrassing to even cut and paste. I'm cringing as I'm reading them again. Combine that with cloying instrumentation and some atonal nose-singing, and you've got yourself a 1982 Hot Billboard #1 hit!

But the suck doesn't end there. The end of the song usually faded out to nothing, but on some radio stations (and on the album Chicago 17), the song transitioned into a rocking short track "Get Away." Scroll to 3:47 for the magical moment:

BAHAHAHAHHA! What?! You poured your heart out to me with all this whiny horseshit, then you decide at the end to "recover" with a nut-kicking hard rock number? No, Chicago. That ship has sailed. There is no way you can't pretend the previous 3:36 didn't happen. That's like sending a flaccid dick pic with skid marks in your underwear to your girlfriend, followed up by a selfie of you flexing your abs. You don't come back from that.

So without further ado, we bid a heartfelt, truly earnest au revoir to "Hard To Say I'm Sorry/Get Away." We will not miss you polluting our minivans/dental offices/Guantanamo Bays with your insufferable sincerity.

Click to enlarge

CSI: EADJ: Second Response

It's time once again for CSI: EADJ, where our crack team of expert investigators examine crime scene clues and try to recreate the most likely scenario that could have left such bizarre evidence. And when we say "crack team," we mean me and whatever I think up over my lunch break. Hmm, should I go for a hoagie today?

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CASE 489566

Location: New York City

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CASE 489567

Location: New York City

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CASE 489568

Location: New York City

Note: within a span of one week, random apples were spotted strewn uneaten on the streets and subway stations near Midtown.

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CASE 489569

Location: Union, New Jersey, outside a Dollar Store

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CASE 489570

Location: Deptford, New Jersey at the Returns Department of a Home Depot

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CASE 489571

Submitted by Special Agent Andrew Gall via "text messaging" technology

Location: some bar in Chicago, Illinois