The Latest New Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

AMC's Stubs Rewards Program is wildly successful, mainly because its members enjoy exciting new benefits every week. Here are the latest perks to joining AMC Stubs:

• A firm handshake and look of respect from a real local farmer

• Special 3D pants for 3D movies

• You can sleep here anytime you have a fight with the wife

• If the movie you're watching sucks, you're allowed to yell "ALEXA, NEXT!"

• If you are illiterate but interested in other cultures, all subtitled movies can be read to you

• We'll sneak you a medium popcorn even if you just ordered a small. We won't tell. It'll be our little secret.

• If there's a person of a certain ethnicity who's being loud in the theatre, we can ask one of our employees of that same ethnicity to ask them to be quiet so that you don't have to and end up looking racist.

“Set Your Pathmark High, and Don’t Stop Till You Get There.”

 

A Few Burning Questions About the Local Pizzeria's Box Graphics

1) Where is everybody?

2) Is this in Italy?

3) Did they evacuate everyone in the town because of radiation or a gas leak?

4) Was that nice couple's dinner interrupted during the evacuation?

5) Why is their table in the middle of the street? Is it because the sidewalk was littered with potted plants?

6) How was the couple supposed to eat that pizza without a pizza cutter or napkins?

7) Is that a midget chef bringing even more pizza to the table?

8) Why is he not dead from radiation/inhaling gas?

9) Did the radiation/gas leak turn all the plants red?

10) Why is the chef's pizza cut into pieces but not the one on the table?

11) Is this a nightmare I'm in? It is, isn't it?

The Amazing Spider-Pathmark

It's Time Once Again To Play, Which Can, Erickson?

Match each toilet (with accompanying dating app for Android) to its correct location below:

1. Wild Buffalo Wings, Beltsville MD
2. Tomorrowland, Disney World, Orlando, FL
3. BC Place, Vancouver
4. The Pikey, Los Angeles
5. The Artie Lang Show Studios, NYC
6. SilverBall Arcade & Museum, AsburyPark,NJ

Answers will be revealed tomorrow!

An Imagined Conversation

"Seth."

"Hey, Rachel."

"Do you mind if I ask you something?"

"Sure, what?"

"Do I look like a fucking retard?"

"That's not cool. My cousin happens to be mentally cha..."

"DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING RETARD?!"

"Uh, no, Rachel. No you don't."

"Then why the fuck would you try to pull one over on me on the Dominos Chicken Wings packaging?"

"Excuse me?"

"Look, I hired you as a freelance illustrator out of the goodness of my heart, Seth. Your portfolio was decent, you didn't cost much, and I happened to be in a good mood that day. Today, I am NOT in a good fucking mood."

"What seems to be the problem?"

"Look for yourself, asshole."

(Seth examines the Dominos Chicken Wings packaging)

"You don't see anything wrong, Seth?"

"Uh, no. I don't..."

"LOOK, Seth. The Mediterranean Veggie is switched with the Chicken Habanero! They're both mislabeled!"

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh,' asshole. You fucked up. This has already gone to press, and now I look like a fucking incompetent asshole because you screwed up the Chicken Habanero with the Mediterranean Veggie. Now when people order the Mediterranean Veggie after seeing the illustration on the side of this Chicken Wings box, they'll expect what in actuality is the Chicken Habanero sandwich."

"The proofreader missed something, too, by the way. 'Cheese Steak' is one word."

"MARGARET!!!!"

Cheryl Can't Find It

"Well, goshdarnit, where is that thing? I just put it in here before leaving the parking lot. I distinctly remember placing it in one of these side pockets before putting on my gloves in the car. Shoot. My keys don't belong there- I must have slipped them right in the bag instead of in my coat pocket.

"Oh, my coat pocket. Let me check there... Nope. A parking pass (gotta remember to get that validated) and a Walgreen's receipt. I know I put it in here somewhere. Jeez, I have to clean some of this stuff out that I've been lugging around for no reason. No wonder my shoulder hurts so much during yoga.

"No. Nope. No. Altoids Smalls... Sarah Brightman CD... No. 

"Oh, for the love of Mike, where the sam hill is that thing? Shoot. Gary totally got it right when he said, 'Cheryl, if your head weren't bolted to your neck, you'd lose that, too.' He so knows me. But I know I've got it in here somewhere.

"Wait. There's where I left my Nature Valley Bar. Mmmm. The cinnamon ones are my favorite!

"Wow. A ticket stub to Dragon Heart?! How old is that?! Lordy.

"What are you looking at?! I'm trying to find something in my purse. Mind your own business, lady. So nosy.

"I really should get a smaller bag. Or organize the pockets in this one. A nail file, great. A phone charger for a Palm Pre. I don't even own that anymore... No...

"BINGO! FOUND IT! Coupon for $5.00 off any regular size pizza at Pizza Hut! I knew I had it here! Win!"

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of February 25

And here we have here the least popular Twitter hashtags. Feel free to sprinkle your suck sundae with these #nuts:

#redurine

#helenreddy

#familyreunionorgy

#mightymorphinpowerrangers

#p'zones

#tarantinohumility

#myaspergerskeepsmesmooth

#bieberkickedmyass
#vegandeliciousness
#barfingintomysweatpants
#ashleesimpsonfanclub
#funnyjacknicholsonimpression
#testiclescrunchie
#administrativeleaveyall
#fupazits

Mr. Jingles Is Coming.

The Home Depot in Union City, New Jersey will be host to the lovable antics of Mr. Jingles.

Mr. Jingles will give your kids keys and one of those keys will be MAGIC and will actually open his treasure chest. Mr. Jingles may or may not step away from the treasure chest so that his crotch is right there. And it turns out that if your kid does open the treasure chest with the MAGIC key, there's nothing inside except for a couple of coupons for $5 off any regular size Pizza at Pizza Hut and an old pamphlet about warts.

Here are some other things that you probably didn't know about Mr. Jingles:

• He's one of the most popular artists on Datpiff.com.

• Despite the government's best efforts, there is absolutely no record of Mr. Jingles from years 1993-1998.

• The nickname "Mr. Jingles" was given to him by Marlon Brando. True story.

• Mr. Jingles is related to Fred Durst, but neither will admit it.

• Never bring anything with velour into Mr. Jingles' house. He goes totally apeshit.

• Mr. Jingles was kicked out of Santa's workshop when he tried to fondle a female elf's genitals.

• Whenever it's close to 5pm, Mr. Jingles starts packing up for home. No use asking him for anything then.

• He still owns a Dreamcast, which when you think about it, is pretty damn cool.

• One year Mr. Jingles had bangs in his hair. Holy ass, he looked stupid.

• If you closely at the advertisement, you can tell who is in the Mr. Jingles suit:

An Entomologist Reviews The Bab-E-Safe™ Janglebugs

Eat A Dick Joel has asked famed entomologist and founding member of the New York Entomological Society Lionel Monod, Ph.D. to do a guest review the popular baby's product Janglebugs, manufactured by the Bab-E-Safe Corporation in Akron, Ohio. Here are his observations:


First off, I'd like to state how appalled I am that this blog has asked me to review what are clearly not genuine insect specimens. My extensive training at the University of Michigan and the Rochester Zoological Institute has overqualified me to examine or critique these gimcracks and gewgaws aimed at infants. But since they did pay me with a coupon good for $5 off any regular size pizza at Pizza Hut, I guess I have to honor my end of the bargain. Sigh.

The "Bee"


The crude black and yellow stripes on this specimen lead me to believe the Bab-E-Safe™ manufacturers were aiming to depict a bee of the Bombus genus, in the family Apidae, more commonly known as the "bumble bee."

John Maynard Smith, a noted biologist with a strong background in aeronautics, once pointed out that bumble bees would not be expected to sustain flight, as they would need to generate too much power given their tiny wing area. The Janglebug "bee" absurdly has gigantic (blue!) wings that forego this entire scientific discussion.

Oh. Also, bees don't generally have a gigantic stupid grin on their faces, as they don't have lips that can make them smile.


The "Ladybug"


This one offends me even more than the others.

Coccinellidae is a family of beetles, more commonly known as "ladybirds" or "ladybugs." And of course, the temptation is to reduce the specimen to a red insect with several black dots on the wing covers, which Bab-E-Safe™ naturally did without hesitation. But not only did they ignore basic beetle anatomy; they showed the ladybug smiling (with lips it doesn't have) with its "face" pointing the wrong way! The wing covers are on the coccinellidae's back, not it's front! That's just oversimplifying and perverting basic nature, there. Patently UNACCEPTABLE.



The "Butterfly"


Okay, fine. I'm not going to go through the order Lepidoptera being the day-flying group consisting of butterflies and moths, because we all know this. Everyone except Bab-E-Safe™, who somehow think cobbling together blue wings and a purple spotted abdomen (where is the motherfucking thorax?!!) while wearing a stupid fucking grin counts as a "butterfly." Christ. In what city is the Bab-E-Safe™ headquarters based? I think I want to firebomb their place.

Summary
Look, I am but a simple entomologist. My work is not stressful or demanding. Hell, lots of people examine insects as a hobby. But for this blog to ask me to review this preposterous set of zoological blasphemies is beyond my comprehension or abilities. Here's that pizza coupon back, EADJ. I gotta go make some Molotov cocktails and head out to Akron, Ohio.

Brand Casualizing

In an attempt to be more accessible to consumers, lots of brands are making their handle abbreviated and less formal. This could possibly be traced to today's texting and tweeting culture, or you could attribute the trend to TRL, KFC, SNL or J-Lo.



Regardless, this shortening trend is not going away soon. Here are some upcoming brand makeovers:

• Chipotle will now be known as "Chipoat" without the annoying "lay"
• Leona Lewis will strip down to an outfit made only of white straps and rename herself "Leeloo"
• Dave will get rid of Buster, who was always the dumb one anyway
• Nokia will shorten their name to "Kia." No, wait a minute...
• Del Taco restaurants will close
• Oil of Olay will be shorted to Oilay
• Duracell will be changed to "The Dure," cuz that's all awesome and totally sweet
• Oprah's "O" Magazine will be halved into a "C"
• The band "Daughtry" will actually lengthen their name to "Wildebeest Assholes Grinding On Your Dad's Cock If You Listen To This Music You Fucking Tool Jagoff"

Joanne Versus The Claw!

An epic, ongoing battle between two bitter rivals. Who will emerge the victor? And who the hell is Victor?

An Imagined Conversation.

Publicist: Good morning, everyone. Shall we get started?

Record Label Exec: Yes. Our album release date is in 90 days. We have distribution lined up, marketing has been budgeted, and radio stations all have gotten a heads up. But we still need a title for the album.

Recording Artist: What is this pink stuff on the bagels? Is this fish?

Record Label Exec: Err, I think that's lox.

Recording Artist: Who?

Publicist: It's fish. Salmon, specifically.

Record Label Exec: (pause) Anyway, we have video hosting appearances squared away with Fuse and MTV, but they both requested album artwork, and we still need to name the CD...

Recording Artist: There's like boogers on the fish, too.

(silence)

Publicist: Those are capers.

Recording Artist: (pokes at bagel)

Publicist: (clears throat) Well, we want an album title that reflects a new phase in the artist's career. Something that shows depth and maturity.

Recording Artist: Holy shit, they taste like boogers too! Nasty!

Record Label Exec: How about "This Is Me," or some crap? Seems to always work. It makes them seem to bare their soul and contemplate their existence and legacy in the music world.

Publicist: Done. (to Recording Artist) Let's get a McMuffin for you.

Recording Artist: I dressed myself!

Kreppuspilið Again!

Since the date is the 19th AND the moon tonight will be waning crescent, it's time for Joel to sit down with his chimp servant Chad Yarborough with a couple of bottles of Ting and play a relaxing game of Kreppuspilið!

To keep his legendary Kreppuspilið winning streak, Joel must be both prepared and flexible. Here at EADJ we offer a few strategies for tonight's exciting game:

• When rolling the Luck Bones, flick slightly with your wrist so that they have a chance to land on "milkshake." You don't want them to land on "pus" again.

• Hold your Kreppuspilið "Power" cards until four rounds in so that your chimp servant Chad Yarborough uses his up to collect all the magpies. Then, when he draws a card, throw down your hand and karate chop his groin!


This should help explain some of these strategies

• If the Domino's Pizza guy shows up while it's your turn, you may force him to take his shirt off and reenact the scene from "Ghost" with you. That's not in the rulebook or anything- just something to try. Insist on being Demi.

• Don't be obsessed with the scoreboard. The best Kreppuspilið players play on instinct, guts, balls, nerve, chutzpah, and a little something called mojo. Unless you're losing.


• Your chimp servant is wily. Don't get up to pee without taking the entire playing board with you into the pee shed. And while we're on the subject, pace yourself when drinking your Ting.

• Move your game piece carefully. The board favors those who are cautious, rewarding the best players with points and punishing the reckless with free tickets to movies starring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds as two people who hate each other but pretend to be engaged in order to keep their jobs but end up falling in love anyway due to circumstances beyond their control.

• This probably doesn't mean to be said, but eat plenty of dick while playing. When you're undernourished, you tend to be dull and unfocused. Believe us, we've read some of your screenplays. ZING!

• Have fun, Joel!

An Open Letter To Pizza Burger

Hi Pizza Burger,

What's up. Not much here. Guess I haven't eaten you in a while. I guess I took me some time to really think about our relationship, and it's probably time we had a talk.

No, don't worry. I'm not mad at anything you did. To be honest, when I saw you being eaten by that guy at the diner on Union Street, I really didn't mind.

You see, I think we're done. And although many breakups begin with "it's not you, it's me," it really feels like it's you this time.


I was certainly attracted to the whole idea of you when we first met back in high school. What? A BURGER with PIZZA FLAVOR? Hells, yes! But either blame it on my ignorance on how burgers work or on my callow optimism, but I was really into you. The snack bar at the bowling alley. The Montreal Café in North Carolina. Even the airport TGI Friday's. All were tawdry attempts at deliciousness, only to be met with a stomach ache and gassy cramps.


But in my desire to somehow make it work, I kept on ordering you whenever I saw you on a menu. I was convinced that there had to be more to you than just some melted mozzarella and tomato sauce slapped on a burger. So I kept on letting you disappoint me and abuse my intestines like that.


But now that I'm older, I've seen you for what you are. A sham. You're nothing more than a poor burger trying to mask its inadequacies by tarting yourself up like a pizza. But you're not a delicious slice of pizza, you never were. So take off all that mozzarella and tomato paste. Seriously, you're embarrassing yourself.

Call me when you're ready to grow up,

EADJ

The Day Arrives.

Last week, EADJ finally went to Old Bridge Deli to experience a Rolly Wrap firsthand. What we saw transcended all expectations and prognostications. How Larry K managed to keep quiet about this fantastic food and its fascinating baking process, we'll never know.




And now, for the very first time anywhere, EADJ is proud to present The Old Bridge Deli's secret process for making a Rolly Wrap!


And five minutes later:


The taste of a Rolly Wrap is hard to describe. It's crispy like the bread of a Quizno's sub, since the dough is thin, but once you bite into it, the ingredients are very calzone or pizza-like. The overall effect is one of cognitive dissonance but utter orgiastic pleasure. It is of this writer's opinion that Old Bridge Deli shouldn't HAVE to pay taxes. This shit is untaxably awesome.

Deep Dishing

Maybe it's the fact that I've spent over a year now from my beloved Chicago. Or maybe it's because I now ally myself with New York-style pizza. But whatever the case, I can now say with clarity and certainty: Pizzeria Uno SUCKS.

This statement isn't new in my mind. I've always known that it sucks. And when I lived there, I withheld criticism of the local eatery. But I haven't been able to articulate why the damn place is so shitty. So allow me to break it down:

1) Deep Dish Pizza. Thick, wet and horrible. Pizza is pizza, you might say, what could go wrong? Oh, let me tell you buddy. Think of a dry, super-flaky (and BLAND) pie filled with watery tomato sauce and cooked so long the outer crust is partly black. Then try to lift a slice to your mouth without burning the hell out of your fingers from the molten pizza sauce dripping all over. Then try waiting for the pizza to cool down, and you've got a basin filled with soggy tomato-flavored dough. Fucking horrible.

2) The wait. 45 minutes for a tiny table for two? With no waiting area? No bar? Fuck you.


3) The ambience. Sorry, did I say ambience? I meant, sitting at a rickety table with a sticky plastic tablecloth surrounded by blaring Avril Lavigne music and loud fat tourists in what would be considered a "garden apartment" space.

4) The price. I can't even remember what they charged for a pizza, but I'm sure it's not worth it. If they gave this out at a bread line, I wouldn't be surprised if that would start a hobo riot (which sounds totally excellent).


5) Pizzeria Due. The mere fact that Pizzeria Uno is so successful that they had to open another crappy location a few blocks down is frightening. And disheartening. And infuriating.

I don't really know how to end this diatribe. So here's a terrible haiku about it:

Deep Dish Pizza Food
Makes me angry, makes me fart
Shannen Doherty