Lame Vintage Leno Monologue

Where we imagine Jay Leno cracking lame jokes about 2026 current events.

Spotted On a Hobby Website

Dollhouse enthusiasts can now purchase a 1:12 scale replica of the furnished off-campus apartment that parents rent for their freshman kid instead of letting them have an authentic college experience.

Some More Available But Terrible Porn Star Names

Welcome, fresh flesh! Your first day on a porn shoot, I see. Well, make yourself comfortable, and while you're checking in, you should really think about what your porn star name should be. Donnie has this ashtray full of rejected names in case you didn't have one handy. But beware, they're unused because they're pretty awful. Have at it!

Males

Ben A. Dryl

Phil A.O. Fish

Murky Sediment

Claude Hopper

Telly Vangelist

Females

Peg Myhusband

Nana Nana Booboo

Kris P. Kreem

Sacristy Canyons

Nelly Furtaco

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Where we mock the latest mixtape album covers.

Never turn your back on a Jedi.

Never keep a potted cactus in your hallway at night.

WWBBD - What Would Bizzy Bone Do?

I'm so confused but I love it. Don't change a thing.

This well intentioned but confusing depiction shows Jesus rising, then falling, then passing through pornographic cloud formations?

The snow angel competition fell flat when they forgot the snow.

This is almost as embarrassing as Nelly in that Honey Nut Cheerios commercial.

Almost.

The Wrath of Accidental Star Trek Fashion

This EADJ segment chronicles the inadvertent appearance of Star Trek uniforms and costumes. A previous entry found here.

Engineer Neko Case has reversed the polarity of the tachyons and wishes she was the moon.

Amazon accidentally sells uniforms for Command, Science Officer and Security.

At church, Command, Science Officer and Security go up to get Communion.

Even my own sons aren't immune to accidental Star Trek.

And although this isn't a costume, the name "Marsh-Shikiar" sounds a lot like an obscure Vulcan ceremony of justice.

A Couple More Abominations

 Here are two things that should not be and are an offense to nature:

Some stickers of sticker machines, that possibly came out of a sticker machine

Reese's cups that contain Reese's Pieces

The Latest Perks of an AMC Stubs Membership

AMC Stubs members numbers are growing exponentially, and the reason is that membership benefits contine to grow. Here are the latest added perks of becoming a Stubs member:

• 50% off all dumb, overprixed blockbuster-themed popcorn buckets

• Booster seats for short kings

• Free admission to any movie starring Dakota Johnson. In fact, well pay you

• The supernatural ability to TikTok swipe up any movie scene that you think is getting boring

• All purchased Jujubes now contain actual bees

• If you walk out of any movie, in solidarity our staff will walk off the job, too

"Hard Work Beats Talent When Talent Doesn't Path Mark."

Walmart Needs To Calm Down.

Spotted online: an ad for what looks like an ice tray that creates a big veiny ice dick.

I thought cold temperatures made things shrink?

Let's Bid Farewell To Stuff That Advertisers Insist We Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-January Edition

Spotted at Target

In the Home and Garden section, a product called Envirolog Color-Flame, which apparently makes your bonfires more outspoken about LGBTQ rights.

The third step in the instructions on the back is interesting: "Control your excitement."

Oh, it's controlled, all right. Maybe not as enthusiastic as the Envirolog folks had anticipated, since I'm now concerned about what toxic chemicals I'm inhaling in my yard to generate these unnatural colors?

Oh good. There's a chart online:

This is going to kill a lot of Cub Scouts.

A Quick Message To Whoever Was In A Hurry To Put On a Silky Satin Durag in a Union Indian Restaurant Parking Lot

Hello, friend. I see you were excited to get your hands on a Red® brand Silky Satin Durag. So much so that you tore the package open in a parking lot just to slap that baby on before you did anything else. Well, bully for you! I'm glad you were so pumped about your new headgear. Some people are really into new shoes or a new pair of eyeglass frames. Durags must be your thing, amirite? Ha ha. 

Enthusiasm aside, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that littering is a pretty inconsiderate thing to do. Once you opened your parcel, you just chucked the packaging on the pavement for someone else to clean up. It inconvenienced the clean up staff of the Indian restaurant and probably left a poor impression on patrons who saw the parking lot covered in litter. Next time, please THINK!

I get it. You put on the durag and suddenly fancied yourself some kind of badass, immune to rules of courtesy and propriety. What badass worries about the appearance of public spaces? Not you!

But do remember that the Indian restaurant does have security cameras in the parking lot. All they have to do is rewind footage to pinpoint where some skinny loser with an uncovered head suddenly transforms into a menacing thug in a durag and then they can contact the authorities. BE MINDFUL NEXT TIME!

Scaring People Away for Only $5

Pictured above, Five Below offers a way for Old Man Jenkins to keep meddling kids from snooping around their abandoned diamond mine.

The Latest InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones and his talented stable of batshit liars are preparing the next conspiracy theories that blame everything from high beef prices to bunions on "leftists" and "woke commie operatives". Here are the stories they plan to litter the airwaves with soon:

• Most daycare places are "woke indoctrination camps" for children, brainwashing them to care about other people by showing them Elmo and Ms. Rachel.

• You know that extra button that they sew on the inside of dress shirts? That's a listening device for the KGB and MI6.

• Logging onto Grindr signals to the government that you're gay, even if you're just logging on out of intellectual curiosity and aren't gay at all. At all.

• A majority Buc-ee's locations aren't real but holographic illusions created by Rosie O' Donnell to steal conservatives' credit card information.

• The sea lions at Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco are actually undercover ICE agents staked out to monitor the Bay for illegal immigrants.

Spotted At the Mall

LOOK AT ALL YOU CAN GET FOR $19

The ProofrEADJer, Early January Edition