EADJ Program Note

Thanks to Fiverr's yanitsa for this video!

The EADJ Pun Police: S1W Edition

"Ten, HUT!"

[Formation 1, turn, Assemblage 7]

"Turn!"

[Assemblage 7 converts to Formation 3A]

"At ease! No justice, no peace!"

[Formation 3A at-ease mode]

"'Pasture Bedtime?' Nonsensical context! Delta 7A fold! Fold!"

[Formation 3A becomes Delta 7A attack mode; S1Ws destroy night shirt under boot heels]

"Halt! Due East at bus stop! Submission by Barry F!"

"All Yolks Aside. That actually means the opposite of what that faceless corporation wants to say. Is there egg in this MC Muffin or not? Delta P!"

[S1Ws deliver the dreaded Delta P maneuver, which renders the bus stop ad illegible and in flames]

"Phones out!" "Phones out!"

"Sole is not soul. There are soul mates. There are no sole mates. How do you sell soul to a soulless people who sold their soul to soles? Gamma TEN!"

[S1Ws perform the rare Gamma 10 anti-commercialism maneuver. This erases the Nike Corporation from the Fortune 500 and sends a box of buffalo turds to Phil Knight's home address.]

"Make everybody see- not sea- in order to fight the powers that be! Truncheons out!"

[S1Ws mercilessly beat seal sign to a pulp with their military-style truncheons.]

"'A Lot of Cars.' Stupid. Not worth it. Bypass!"

[S1Ws ignore it.]

"Sip, Sip, Hooray!? Probably not a Naughty By Nature reference. Deploy Sigma 88 sweep anyway!"

[S1Ws stand back to back, then do the Sigma 88 sweep, making the vinyl banner dissolve in a strong but environmentally-safe acid.]

"Release the Quackin?! RELEASE THE MEGABLAST!"

[S1Ws march around the ad 5 times but it does nothing.]

"HOLD! Due northeast! Reassemble vector 8E!"

[S1Ws hurry over to a Shrek: The Musical ad.]

"This Shrek Musical has had a prior record of awful punnage. This counts as strike two. Engage in Destroyer Formation 55:28, Priority Zero!"

[S1Ws create a T-shaped formation, march around with their fists on each other's shoulders, carry Flavor Flav offstage and relax in the Green Room.]

Let's Ring In The New Year With A Big Cock Two EADJ Mail Sack Entries From Barry!

Barry sent in this flyer:

"Ground your spiritual connection... in Flipper"

And this movie clip:

"Your life would not be complete without seeing this."

Let's Compare Yahoo Maps' Route To That of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Barry via text:

"When I saw a bowling alley arcade gift (1,250 points needed) this disturbing, I knew you had to see it.

Let's Comb The Pomade Out of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Two submissions by Andrew, who seems to getting lots of mileage from his new smartphone lomo filter:

Vince gives tribute to Blean Blablohen:


And Andrew does a "PBR Goatse:"


Barry submits this via text:

"I just thought you would want to see this. Why, I can't say."

Smell My Pink Thing.

(No, actually that's not the title I wanted to use for this entry. But I'll keep it there anyway.)


So for Christmas I bought Barry a World of Warcraft calendar, which is pretty awesome, if I may say so. But one thing I noticed about it: to the uninitiated, it looks like no matter what powers you possess, weapons you wield, level you've achieved or which mount you ride– shoulder protection is the number one priority for EVERYONE.

From Out of Left Field

Spotted at an LAX Admirals Club while traveling with Barry:


Tommy Lasorda Fine Italian Wines

"...Tommy Lasorda is preserving his legacy by fulfilling dreams away from the crowded stadiums of Major League Baseball... his passion for America's game gives way to his passion for Italian wines."

Say what? How is that preserving your legacy– by slapping your name on something completely unrelated to what made you famous? That's like Hillary Duff Financial Services or Madeleine Albright-brand chewing tobacco. "Carrie Ann Inaba's passion for judging dancers on 'Dancing With The Stars' gives way to her passion for Mycorrhizal Technology in Agriculture...." Oh, he's Italian, so he can sell Italian wine? Okay.

(Jeez, I didn't mean for this to turn into the Celebrity Wine Blog)

You'll notice on the wine descriptions below, no mention of Tommy Lasorda or any connection to his Italian heritage and the Veneta Abruzzo region of Italy. You could have slapped Yogi Berra or Joe DiMaggio's name on the label. They're Italian, see?


Tommy Lasorda Wines: They're Lasorda Classy and Lasorda Relevant!

Wotta Guy

Barry and I were walking on 3rd Avenue and spotted this guy lounging on a bench, wearing a t-shirt that said, "Buy A Donkey."


"Buy A Donkey?!" What the hell could that mean? Is that some obscure street lingo? Is it an ad asking you to contribute to the Democratic party? Or to really purchase a donkey for whatever reason? Whatever the answer, the guy wearing the shirt was perfectly comfortable not explaining himself. Not that we asked.

"Stop Me If I'm Going Too Fast For You..."

Pictured above, Barry creates an easy-to-understand chart on the latest workings of college athletic conferences.

Barry and His Strassburg Sock

When Barry went to his podiatrist to complain about his foot pain and to just complain about his life in general, Barry's podiatrist recommended The Strassburg Sock, a medieval-looking device that not only treats irritation and swelling of the thick tissue on the bottom of the foot, but also makes your feet look like harps.


The ridiculousness of the appearance is deceiving, however. Turns out these socks actually do work, as Barry has attested after wearing for several weeks.



Here is Barry's story in his own words:


David,

I know that you’ve been intrigued with my Strassburg Sock. As a plantar fasciitis sufferer, my podiatrist prescribed the patented Strassburg Sock as part of my treatment regimen. The sock itself has an adjustable strap that attaches from the toe to the knee area, and is designed to stretch tight foot tendons that are the main cause of fasciitis pain.

At first, I was skeptical: What’s this crazy sock? Why does it make me look like a giant elf? And who the fuck was Strassburg? But now that I’ve worn it, here are my initial impressions:

1. In an emergency, the Strassburg Sock could kill you. I quickly realized that if a fire broke out, and I’m wearing the sock, my mobility would be severely limited. Trying to run on one good foot, the other curled up uselessly into a giant “C” shape, I would eventually stumble, and be consumed in the flames. For this reason, I am careful to complete a thorough fire safety check in my apartment before donning the sock.

2. The Strassburg Sock is unsightly. After wearing the sock for 15 minutes or so, my leg hairs poke out of the sheer fabric of the sock, resembling a little denuded forest in a snowy landscape. This unsettles me.

3. After 10 minutes, the Strassburg Sock makes your toes go numb. Actually, I’m not sure if I like this or not.

4. The Strassburg Sock works. My foot pain is nearly gone.

5. Dr. Strassburg is not a legendary Nazi podiatrist. His name is Terry Strassburg, and he’s a former Marine who lives in upstate New York. I was a little disappointed when I learned this.


To learn more about the Strassburg Sock and what it can do for you like it did for Barry Harpfoot, visit www.thesock.com or visit Strasbourg.

Let's Use a Metal Spatula To Stir the EADJ Mail Sack Even Though It Might Scrape the Teflon!

Submitted by Barry F:

"Life's odd coincidences."

A True Story

Barry, a guy I've known since Portfolio School in Atlanta, who also happens to live two blocks down from me AND is a co-worker one floor from me (Jeez, back OFF man) was recently given the green light by his allergist that he could eat mollusks. So last weekend he enjoyed some, but within a couple of hours, he was already feeling queasy.


Barry turned to the Internet and Googled the phrase "i get sick every time I eat mollusks," and sure enough, the twentieth entry was EAT A DICK JOEL!


Eat A Dick Joel has decided to award Barry the Jade Mollusk Award for coming across EADJ totally randomly by using a phrase with "mollusk" in it. Barry's new award is at the bottom of this page. Congrats, Barry! Put this on your resume!

When Life Throws You Nickelback, Make Nickelbackade.

Nickelback's new album "Dark Horse" is out, and we at EADJ decided to review it. But instead of exposing ourselves to all 11 tracks of Chad Kroeger's output, we decided to get individual track reviews from 11 Toucan Cleric's Funsters. Folks were asked to review their respective tracks in three short sentences. Some people don't listen.


Track 1. Something In Your Mouth (3:38) reviewed by Matt S

A haiku:

Singing about whores,
Candlebox can do that too
Tools from Canada.


Track 2. Burn It To The Ground (3:31) reviewed by Larry K
"Kind of disappointing since I usually like Nickelback. Like almost every Nickelback song, it had the requisite lyrics about boozing, women, partying and use of the word "shit" twice, but lacked the sing-along-with-the-radio quality of their older stuff. And at least when Andrew WK does songs about nothing but debauchery, they are fun and only last 1:30. This song was too ordinary to care for 3:31."


Track 3. Gotta Be Somebody (4:13) reviewed by Tom Weingard
"Chad “The Freddy” Kroeger notes mid-song that ‘everyone wants to know they’re not alone.’ I beg to differ, Chad, because I think people DO want to know they’re alone, particularly when they’re taking a dump. I know this one time I was dropping the kids off at the pool and some rapscallion peeked his head over the stall and spat a lugie on top of my head."


Track 4. I'd Come For You (4:22) reviewed by Lorraine
"Despite its potentially sexually charged title, 'I'd come for you' remains in sync with recent Nickelback hits. Following a similar melodic pattern and tune as previous work, the song conveys just how far they would go for the person they love. Sweet and simple, it hits the musical spot without asking the listener to really consider much deep thought behind the lyrics."


Track 5. Next Go Round (3:45) reviewed by Joanne S
"Big fan of the metal influence, especially with the longer intro. I would be troubled by the lyrics until you remember that it's Nickelback and all "rock" bands sing about sex -- either how they're having it, they want more of it, or they are too f*cked up to get it up."


Track 6. Just To Get High (4:02) reviewed by Craig C
"You'd have to be high to like this song about the perils of getting high. This song is perfect to alienate your meth addict fan base. If your a Nickelback fan, please O.D."


Track 7. Never Gonna Be Alone (3:47) reviewed by Barry
"Fact: Nickelback is at their angry best when they want to kick your ass (“Never Again.”) That’s why this miserable attempt at a ballad – an overheated, vapid ode to the importance of stickin’ with your lover – is about as depressing and emasculating as seeing Kimbo Slice appear on “Dancing With The Stars.” However, Mutt Lange’s signature polish, complete with liberal doses of 12-string guitar, will be enough to make this a staple at Gen Y proms next May."


Track 8. Shakin' Hands (3:39) reviewed by Bowen M
"It's amazing. Just amazing. I almost makes me wish I were White Trash."



Track 9. S.E.X. (3:55) reviewed by Beth Stone
"S - So helpful if you need a mnemonic device for spelling your favorite physical activity
E - Evocative of 80s hair metal bands, with a punchy pop beat; one can't help but swing their hair wildly to the opening chords and following melody
X - Xtremely likely this is what Angelina and Brad play while fornicating and roleplaying as their Mr. and Mrs. Smith characters."


Track 10. If Today Was Your Last Day (4:08) reviewed by Brynn
"It sounds like today is his last day. This song is not awe-inspiring it just has all the cheesy inspirational quotes squeezed into a solitary song. It sounds exactly like all their other songs, boo that."


Track 11. This Afternoon (4:34) reviewed by Katie H
"While this is not a song I would purchase on Itunes I can see it being
popular in the pop genre. It sounds a lot like a poppy version of "Photograph" with different story but along the same line (if that makes sense). This band confuses me in the way as to what direction and fan base they are going for? The poppy Z100 listeners or true rock and roll lovers? On a scale of 1 - 10 (being the Best) I would rate this a 7."