Some Banners for Etsy

Amongst the handcrafted tchotchkes, these Etsy banners for some reason feature a mug shot of Lou Diamond Phillips (?!?!):

And I know these type of banners autofill by whatever you looked at on the Etsy site, but I don't remember searching for "rough diamond".

"I Can't Find You. Where'd You Say You Were Again?"

A Few More Awful But Available Porn Names

So you want to get into porn but need a name? Boy, is this your lucky day. Here are some free, available (but fucking awful) porn handles you can call dibs on for your next adult film production:


HIM

Nutt Allergies
Vance Deferens
Pygmy Ween
Seacrest In
Noah Downside
Iam Groot

HER

Valpak
Dee Pinside
Unwanta Pregnancy
Ginger Vitis
Greta Thisinthemorning
Ella VaRash

Peter Piper Picked Pathmark, But Couldn't Rock Rhymes

UAG

A List Of Activities You Can Do With Certified Therapy Dog Rhett And How Much It Would Cost

I spotted this sign in Manhattan last week, advertising the rental out an unknown breed of dog named Rhett (is that an Airedale?). For a buck a minute, Rhett's pimps are willing to let you take Rhett (could be a Scottish Deerhound?) out and do whatever, provided it's for your therapy. He's "always looking for new friends," so what are you waiting for? Here now is a list of suggested activities you can do with Rhett (he's an Irish Wolfhound, isn't he?) and how much it will cost:

• Take Rhett from 25th Street to Central Park for a nice walk and a poop: $82

• Watch the entire "Lord Of The Rings" Trilogy, extended edition with Rhett: $682

• Bowl an entire game by yourself while Rhett sniffs his balls: $14

• Have sex with release while Rhett watches from another room: $3

• Fly with Rhett to Tel Aviv, Israel from JFK and back: $1200 (not including airfare)

• Drive Rhett around while cranking Iron Maiden's third studio album, "The Number of The Beast:" $41

• Encourage Rhett to go with you to your Zumba class, even though he doesn't seem to express any interest: $60

• Hassle Rhett about his 'Certified Dog' credentials: $7

• Cook an entire timpano, complete with meatballs, salami and filling and with homemade crust, while Rhett nervously licks his hungry dog lips: $80

• Take Rhett to watch the Houston Astros totally suck dick for a full nine innings: $180

• Give away the twist to "Looper" to Rhett: $1

• Read "The Brothers Karamazov" to Rhett in a pidgin accent while he licks his balls again: $86,400

• Read this blog entry to him and see if he "gets" it: $4


You can literally rent Rhett here.

Cylon Instructions

Song Sung, Blew

Pictured above, Tom hates it when Neil uses his teeth.

A Helpful Hint

Need ideas for a playlist name in iTunes? Look on bathroom walls!



They also make for good mafioso nicknames or something a grandpa on a sitcom would mutter when he hits his thumb with a hammer.

Meanwhile, At the RNC...

Minutes after McCain spoke about literacy:


And during a portion about more oil drilling NOW:


I blame the liberal media for pointing the camera in their direction. But what disturbs me is that for all the talk about keeping America safe, a deposed dictator has found gainful employment at a Washington DC buffet:

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Playin' For the Kitty

It is with extreme displeasure that we bring you another installment of the EADJ Crappinema. This time, a sort of Brothers-McMullen-or-Tyler Perry-type ensemble cast movie about relationships. Who knew you could remove the annoying drag queen grandma character and still somehow make it less watchable. Let's begin!


"Playing – sorry, Playin' For the Kitty" is the story of five buddies and the trials and tribulations they face in their romantic relationships. At least that's what it said on the box. In actuality, it's about a bunch of actors delivering average dialogue and flexing for no reason in front of a poorly-lit videocamera. I sense a vague, uncommitted approach to the material from the actors– the same way that a high school Senior would detachedly join the glee club to pad their college application; this movie is strictly a resumé padder.































Some verbatim dialogue at the end of the movie:

Peyton (VO): Well, that brings us back to where we started. Our final game.

Everything worked out. Dewayne and Kayla were good. Keisha and Ty were moving towards commitment. Dre was kicking it with Kim. Jay was being less of a dog and made up with Lance. Chris was still hanging loose. And me, happily married, you could say.

Oh, yeah, the game. Money and the final score? Well, we won.


"We won?" What the fuck kind of answer is that? And I'm not talking about the outcome of the football game, which I could give a fart about (I understand that was some kind of analogy for life) – there was hardly any character arc in any of the individual stories.


Shit like "everything worked out" and "we won" is just a lazy writer's way of saying "I don't want to think about tying all the loose ends and piddly details that I've created, so I'll just cinch it all together at the end, clip it off and say everything worked out." Which is 31 flavors of placenta cockhorse, if you ask me. Cheat!


Booo! You won! Booooo!