Here Are Your Timesheets For the First Week of August

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From: GHordwick

To: Office_All

Greetings, Earthlings! This is Gavin from IT, reminding you office drones to submit thy thymesheets by Friday of this week in order for our billing cycle to continue healthily, which ultimately results in each of you respectively getting paid! The importance of this task is utmost, so please find your job number below and use it when logging in your hours! Excelsior!

Your job numbers below:

483777: Putting the bomp in the bomp ba bomb bah bomp

880903: Dabbing at the end of a Skype call

339776: Not reporting Carl to HR, but warning HR that you will report Carl if they don't do something about him

001825: Folding your pay stub into a crane

592551: Praying for a fire drill to break up the monotony

803522: "Giving the nickel tour" or "showing the ropes" to the new hire who will replace you

303196: Smoking sess in the stairwell

700742: Collapsing the browser window with LinkedIn on it

588512: Unhappily answering the phones because Donna's on break

626009: Shitting your pants on purpose because what the hell

A Half Dozen Haikus

Look, some idiot made a haiku about every person in that awful photo in the New Jersey Transit survey brochure.

A bystander, mute

No conversation offered

Useless dimpled man

Tall, blonde, engaging

Her laugh even seems sincere

Collar popped? Hell yes

Sitting in the back

Separated from the rest

Rosa Parks would weep

Tossing her brown hair

Pretending to laugh at jokes

Boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs

Who's the man on board

Whose dick swings like a caber

Thumbs point to this guy

This one fellow points

Tries steering convo this way

Nobody gives shit

Nice Set Up.

Pictured below, either World Cup fever has hit New York, or the shawarma vendor cannot miss his "General Hospital" to see if Sonny manages to save Kristina.

Ready or Not, Here I Dick

In an attempt to attract more Joel-like diners, Perkins Family Restaurants around the country are now offering dick in many of their entreés.

Their open-faced turkey sandwich has replaced their traditional cranberry sauce with diced dick, and the fisherman's hoagie, which once had lettuce and tartar sauce, now has dick. On their breakfast menu, they have completely dropped smoked kielbasa sausage from the offerings to make room for plenty of dick.

The decor of the restaurants have changed, also. The once country-like and homey interiors are now very Joel-friendly, with blank sheets of screenplay paper on the walls and countless photos of Asian women.

Quite a gamble for a traditional family restaurant, but what the fuck, right.

(pictured above, La Bamba on Halsted promises "Burritos As Big As Your Head In Rear.")

**URGENT UPDATE** Balls has just reported to EADJ that at Burrito Beach today, she spotted "A Tanner, More Sinister Version Of Brad Harvey."

Word Up Your Arse

Nicknames for everyone!

Inspired by the President's penchant for handing out unwanted nicknames, Joel started dispensing his own to those around him:

His Long's Drugs pharmacist is now known as "Janky."

The dude with the big nose at the barber shop will hereforth be known as "Sunnuvagun."

His chimp servant will now answer to "Chad Yarborough." Why? No reason!

The cops that raped him that time will be called "Pushy and Penetrate-y."

Mr. Durwin, his neighbor from downstairs who accidentally killed his wife by running over her, will be labeled "The Widower-Maker." Janky!

And finally, every random dick that Joel eats he now calls either "Brad Harvey" or "Mel Kreilein." Why, Joel?

(pictured above, proof that Ponte Fresco hasn't made a heap of difference in the overall weight of 225 N Michigan residents)

No comment.