UAG

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

 

Pitbull, sick of topping the charts with pop hit after pop hit, decides to urinate on Antarctica under the world's largest Red Vines.

 

Roc Marciano. Not to be confused with legendary boxer Rocky Marciano. Rock Marciano would have had the sense to go inside during a lightning storm/18-alarm fire.

 

Future Colon?! Future Goloin? Shit. Pick a legible font, OB Product. Or is it DB Product?

 

Freeway wakes up and wonders how he got Philadelphia in his beard.

The Empire decides to call a mixtape what it really is.

Okay, Krizz Kaliko- which doesn't even sound like a real rapper's name; it sounds like an MC that would appear on "Curb Your Enthusiasm"- if you're going to name your album in slang, explaining what it means in parenths makes it 5000 times uncooler.

 

Tracy Chapman, distraught over not having a hit since "Fast Car" in 1988, contemplates ending it all.

 

Styles P is very angry at you for not only returning the garden tools you borrowed from him 3 weeks late, but returning them in such a bad condition that he can never get a full refund for them at Lowe's. He's very angry at you.

 No change needed. Stet.

 

"Hi there. I'm Wiz Khalifa. You probably remember my last session at the Sears Portrait Studio wearing some lady's real estate blazer. Well, today I'm back, and I've picked out a great outfit. This faux white leopard coat was only $14.99 from the Ann Taylor Factory Store, and these Evel Knievel pants I picked up from True Religion, which is right next to the Piercing Pagoda. Holla!"

 

A Seriously Half-Assed Garage Sale

The lovely neighbors on our street in Jersey are some lazy motherfuckers. They refuse to turn off their car alarm- which goes off at all hours, and they never answer the door when you knock on it to complain about the noise.

So it's only natural that they hold the laziest garage sale known to the Western world– without putting a single piece of furniture or table out to show merchandise, they simple got someone to open the garage door, put up a tiny sign on the stairs (that doesn't even face passing cars) and hope for the best while checking their cell phone messages. Needless to say, people weren't beating the door down to scoop up these outrageous prices.

You'll notice how a week later, they upped their game and got a SECOND sign. Man, they are racking up the receipts now.

Stay tuned next week for the latest developments in whether anyone will notice and buy that heavy bag. My money's on 'no.'

*** Edit: I just compared the two photos again, and I realized that second sign was there the FIRST week. They simply got a TALLER STICK for it! BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! ADVERTISING!

Oh, Terrin and Christine!

Spotted at the customer service counter in a Maryland supermarket: a sheet of paper.




Hey, you two- if you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean! Crazy kids.

Barbara Walters Interviews Broccoli Farts

The following is a transcript of an interview Barbara Walters had earlier this year with Broccoli Farts, courtesy of "20/20:"

Barbara Walters: Thank you for taking the time to sit down with me. I know you're busy.

Broccoli Farts: My pleasure.


Barbara Walters: I understand that you are the gastrointestinal result of eating either raw or cooked broccoli– is that correct?

Broccoli Farts: Yes. It doesn't really matter what state the broccoli is in when you eat it. I'm there either way, although some will still tell you that I am more intense after a meal of raw broccoli, like in a salad. And even though I've gotten a lot of media coverage lately, I just wanted to say that I've been around for a long time before all this hype.

Barbara Walters: Hm.

Broccoli Farts: BRAAAAAAAPPPP!

Barbara Walters: So was that cooked?

Broccoli Farts: I forget. I think so.



Barbara Walters: Tell me about your home life. Is there a Mrs. Broccoli Farts?

Broccoli Farts: No, not yet. (laughs) I'm still trying to find the right girl. I mean, obviously in my line of work, it's pretty hard to meet someone. No, I have two male roommates in a 2-bedroom apartment. Josh and I each have a bedroom, and Yamir sleeps on a futon over by the television in the main room.

Barbara Walters: Yamir?

Broccoli Farts: BBBBRRAAAHHHHHRRRFFFF! I'm sorry, excuse me?

Barbara Walters: Your roommate Yamir?

Broccoli Farts: Yes, he's from India. He's an exchange student, going to the School of Visual Arts for graphic design, I believe.

Barbara Walters: You have been called a "rebel," a "rapscallion," and "someone I don't want around my dinner table." How do you respond to those charges?

Broccoli Farts: Everyone's entitled to their opinion of me. The fact is, I'm there whether you want me there or not. I'll loudly enter a room mid-story, or I can quietly sneak in if someone leans to the side in their chair. I have my ways of showing up, regardless how high-falutin the occasion is. (smiles)

Barbara Walters: It strikes me that you're so much more pleasant than people make you out to be.

Broccoli Farts: I don't know about that, Barbara. Maybe you're just catching me on a good day! There have been times that I've caused headaches, nausea and even the occasional botched bris.

Barbara Walters: Bris? As in the circumcision ceremony?



Broccoli Farts: FRRRRAHHHHRRRRAHHHHBBAAARRAAAAAHHHH! See? That was a bad one.


Barbara Walters: Thank you for talking to us, Broccoli Farts.

Smecial Mostly Andrew Dreams Entry

That's Gotta Burn

Momma says one out of five of the total adolescent and adult population is infected with genital herpes. So we opened the latest issue of The Society Page Magazine and guessed which of the five skanks in group photos had the burning H.


Quick legal note: The following is just bullshit conjecture based on herpes statistics Momma gave us. So before any of you bitches actually find this blog and want to sue EADJ for defamation, please note that your photo was published in some free rag we found behind a Golden Tee machine at Bahama Kip's, and we changed your names, too, so it's entirely a work of fiction. Whores.


Hannah didn't get the text from her BFFs about wearing jeans that night. Also, she didn't get the memo that one of them was a man.


Kristi (or is it Christy? Christie? Kristie? Kristi? Christi? Cristi?) didn't share her margarita glass with the others for a reason. Because of her "zit."


Figuring out that Paige had the STD was easy, since she was the only marginally bangable one in the quintet.


Keith liked to wipe bar glasses with his infected dick. Which is not only gross, but hilarious.

EADJ Album Artwork Project

Here's a new segment: we send some unknown album artwork to friends and ask them to predict what the music sounds like based on the cover alone. We then send them mp3's from those albums to see how well they did. S'fun!


We recruited the help of Balls in Chicago and Andrew Gall in Seattle. Here are their impressions based purely on the album artwork:

Album #1: Blood On the Dancefloor (aka BOTDF) "It's Hard To Be a Diamond In a Rhinstone (sic) World"


Michelle: "A true pioneer in the eastern-bloc pop music scene. Botof takes up where Avril Lavigne left off and adds a slinky, dark edge to it. Simply stated, it's self-absorbed, pop-punk with a vague death wish."

Andrew: "Her (his?) sound is like a group of slinkies going down the stairs (alone or in pairs, no less), with a backing track that is a bit techno and a bit like an overweight man belching, mixed with the unmistakable sound of lily white asscrack. For some reason I am also visualizing the sound a gun turret makes."


Album #2: Various Artists "It's Always Gully In Philadelphia, Season 3"


Michelle: "Gritty, gangster hip-hop with a socially conscious twist. Heavy, trigger-happy beats paired up with grisly, raw raps capture the struggles of thug life in South Philly. This is hardcore, bitches."

Andrew: "I have to admit, this did make me chuckle a little bit. As humorous as the concept itself may be, these guys seem like your typical mealy-mouthed gun talk MCs, rapping things like “nickel bag” with “jag” and posturing with a .44 in their pants all the while. For some reason I feel like the one second from the right has the most raw skills. They’re also likely to rap over some oversampled tracks, like “Between the Sheets” by the Isley Brothers or something by Wham. Needs improvement."


Album #3: Slow Motion Noise, Demo

*This is actually a band photo, not an album cover


Michelle: "This band proves themselves to be Christian music's answer to Coldplay. Their meaningful, deft lyrics expound on themes of forgiveness and spiritual wandering. Their soaring, anthemic, guitar melodies make this a praise-worthy effort."

Andrew: "Weird dudes with fat guy whose arms are folded- This band is a myriad of problems. The guy on the left can’t get a girl, the two in the middle would be more popular on their own, and the drummer (the guy on the right) ruins most of their live shows by sweating through his t-shirts and blasting mid-set burrito farts. Plus, they haven’t really figured out their sound yet. They sound vaguely Swedish."



Album #4: Radiobaghdad, "Hooked On Ebonics"


Michelle: "Post-modern, avant-garde duo Radiobagdad gives an ironic tip-of-the-hat to 90s old skool hip-hop genre. Their detached, eurotrash vocals and elastic, synthesized beats are persuasive and taught. It's the adventurous fusion of their krautrock influences with more urban rhythms that shake up the aural status-quo and defy classification."

Andrew: "Contrary to first impulse, these guys are actually a dancehall group. They’re your typical reggae homophobes, featuring tracks like “No way, gay” and “hopeless homo”, but they do have the potential to shine. Decent beats save this one. Top 40 crossover potential."


Album #5: Beat Kids, Self-Titled


Michelle: "Bratty, and at times lyrically adolescent, this band really stands out in the sea of indie-popsters. Bright, unrestrained, with shades of so-cal punk influence, their music is as high-velocity as it is danceable."

Andrew: "The most potential of an otherwise inauspicious group of musical artists. The green slime which contains bones, an eyeball, and possibly shoes belies the genius pairing of four plain white tees, a plaid sweater, and some vicious, vicious britpop. The guy on the left is the lead singer, and his balls are far more overworked than yours. The other four mainly dance around and sometimes wrestle each other. In short, this sounds like the future."


Album #6: Super Fun Happy Slide, "The Undislodgable Nugget Scenario"


Michelle: "A perfect combination of ham-fisted, bare-knuckled guitar riffs, highly-caustic, mutating vocals, and reckless drum beats. This release will literally bludgeon your ass."

Andrew: (Due to a clerical error on EADJ's part, Andrew was not sent this album cover and does not have an entry for this one. Totally my bad.)


NEXT ENTRY: What the bands sound like!