Another List of Things That Are Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Pop singer Ariana Grande's entire public identity is built on the idea that she's cute as a button, and perhaps the cutest thing ever. But we here at EADJ would like to respectively suggest a few other things that have been scientifically proven to be cuter than her. List, begin!:

• Baby Yoda from "The Mandalorian"

End of list.

6 Lies Told By The Shenandoah Caverns Family Of Attractions Brochure

1) The CIA has a second cavern with elevator service in Langley for "interrogation purposes," but the 

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2) "Cardross Castle" isn't so much a castle as it is a stinking heap of fossilized bat guano.

3) The Bacon Formations, although they really are made with bacon, unfortunately taste like Canadian ham when you lick the cave walls.

4) If you let your child enjoy our featured INDOOR BEEHIVE, your name is entered in the Child Protection Service database, coincidentally located in Langley, Virginia. INDOOR BEEHIVE, people.

5) The animatronic brown bears don't really "greet" guests, unless your definition of "greeting" is "mauling the elderly with their heavy, unstoppable metal claws."

6) Cinderella's Carriage is actually Snow White's; she lent it to her but never got it back after Cinderella moved to Fairfax to be closer to her mother.

EADJ is proud to announce that 6 Lies Told, in conjunction with Mattel, Inc., will be released as limited edition collector's Matchbox cars. Feel the fury of all six different lies as they race across your dining room table and into your kids' hearts! Some assembly required.

A Sighting

Spotted on the southbound 6 train at 10:30pm, May 5:


The dolphin guy was bouncing his knees and motioning people over in the half-full train.

Nobody took him up on the free offer.

***HOLY SHIT UPDATE***

So apparently this is an NYC phenomenon.

Sublime Nonsense 6: COLLECT THEM ALL!

Click to make bigger.

The SFVOSP: A Philosophical Conundrum

Sometime last week, Balls spotted the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson. She was not completely surprised by seeing him, since she had spotted the enigmatic Mr. Wood before, but what really struck her this time was how much weight the SFVOSP had seemed to have gained.

So much weight, in fact, that she didn't think it even resembled Scott Peterson anymore.

This begs the question: How short and fat is TOO short or too fat and still resemble Scott Peterson? At what point is a doppelganger taken so far as to break any connection to its double? We asked the descendents of some of history's greatest philosophers what they thought of the conundrum:

"I don't understand the question."
Craig Descartes,
Assistant Manager at Chili's Express

"No one can ever be too fat to resemble someone else. No wait, yes they can, right?"
Katie Aristotle
Work-at-home mother

"This conundrum is probably the fault of Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama."
Brit Hume
Fox News Anchor

"I like turtles."
Andrew Descartes Gall, referencing something only a few people get.

(pictured above, the gloriously expensive new peepee and poopoo rooms at Cramer-Krasselt, which will necessitate another cheapie Christmas party at Hard Rock Hotel this year)