EADJ Wishes You A Happy Halloween!

We at the offices of Eat A Dick Joel would like to wish you a spooky and safe Halloween today. Please look for traffic on both sides before crossing the street, and whatever you do, AVOID 158 OAK STREET. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED 5 YEARS AGO AND YOU DON'T WANT YOUR STOMACH PUMPED LIKE THAT AGAIN. Be careful!

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

It Hasn't Been A Full Month, And Already It's Time Again To Say Goodbye To All The Shit That Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye!

UAG

EADJ Halloween Costume Roundup

Halloween is only a few weeks away, and there are two types of people: the nerds who have been patiently preparing their costume for over 10 months in their garage, and folks who will stumble into the costume store on Halloween afternoon, desperate to take anything on sale. Before we get to that point, let's review some of the new costume arrivals at your local Halloween costume store:

But seriously, this sexy-version-of-anything trend has to stop. I don't want Gandalf or King Kong or a Fry Guy to be fuckable. Sexy ladies have PLENTY of options for costumes already- nurse, cheerleader, schoolteacher, Playboy bunny, hula girl, Indian maiden, etc etc etc.

And Jesus, what does that say about me if suddenly I do want to fuck a Fry Guy?

Cammie At The Mamma Chia Sample Station At Costco Answers Your Questions In The Order That They Were Asked

• Thanks, but I have a boyfriend.

• No, really. His name is Paul.

• That's really sweet of you, but I have a boyfriend.

• What is Mamma Chia? I'm so glad you asked! Mamma Chia is the drink of choice for any health-conscious souls seeking an extra dose of vitality. Infused with ancient wisdom and powered by chai, one of the world's healthiest whole foods, Mamma Chia provides sustained energy to power your soul's purpose!

• I'm sorry, but I don't see how that question is any of your business.

• Where are the toilets? They're at the end of aisle 6.

• Thanks, but I have a boyfriend.

• Oh, I thought you meant literally where the toilets are sold. I'm sorry! The restrooms are at the front, over by the hot dog stand.

• What are chai seeds? Well, they're an ancient grain, revered by both the Maya and Aztecs for their amazing energy and natural healing powers... uh, where are you going?

• Hello. No, I'm sorry, I don't give my number out to customers.

• His name is Paul.

• 18.

• Most people say I'm a blonde, but my mother and sister say it's more "dirty blonde." LOL!

• No, these drinks aren't alcoholic. I wouldn't be able to hand out samples of alcohol.

• Yes, you can have a bottle. Omega-3s, calcium, iron and zinc are good for pregnant women!

• Thanks, but my boyfriend Paul is waiting for me at the end of my shift. He's a weightlifter.

• Yes, I get "Rachel McAdams" sometimes. I get "Amanda Seyfried" more often, but my BOYFRIEND PAUL says I look like Jennifer Lawrence.

• What does "Seed Your Soul" mean? I have no idea.

• No, these are free samples. You don't have to tip me, thanks.

• I don't understand. Why am I a "g.d. hippy" for passing these drinks out, sir? And what is a "liberal narrative?"

• This one is Blackberry Hibiscus, but we've also got Cherry Lime, Cranberry Lemonade, Raspberry Passion, Pomegranate Mint, Coconut Mango, Kiwi Lime, Guava Mamma, and my favorite, Grapefruit Ginger.

• Gross. I'm not going to even dignify that with an answer.

• Yes, that's my BOYFRIEND PAUL walking this way.

• He's almost 6'6". His brother is even taller.

• Calcium.

Happy Halloween From EADJ!

"It's Halloween, everyone!" said Standpipe.


Boom Box On TV was SO PSYCHED!


Bike Lanes were glad.


And Frying Pan was so excited!


Building hated Halloween, so he just ignored it.


High Chair wasn't really into it, either. But whatever.


Neither Door Attachment nor Porch Board were ready for it this year.


Smokestack and Bridge got into the Halloween spirit and helped decorate. They put up...


...a Jack-O-Lantern and...


...two skeletons.


Corner was mildly encouraged by the turnout.


And the costume contest began:


Speaker came as a generic ghost.


Surround Sound Box dressed like a Minion from "Despicable Me."


Garbage Truck came as a catfish.


Rice Cooker had on a great gorilla costume.


Both Recycling Bins and Egg Carton showed up as Ninja Turtles.


18 Wheeler dressed as Frylock from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force."


Dashboard came as a convincing angry robot.


Ionic Breeze dressed like Ghost Face from the "Scream" movies.


Designer Chair dressed up as Mr. Mouth, but he kept getting "H.R. Pufnstuf."


60 Year Old Birthday Cake dressed as Cookie Monster.


Train Bathroom Door showed up as an angry Italian giving the finger, but nobody got it.


Escalator Partition dressed as John Goodman.


Dunkin Donuts Rug forgot to show up in costume and felt like an asshole.


Dog Dish showed up in a bad Skeletor costume.


But Stained Glass Window won the prize for their "Grinning Kermit" costume.


Purse went out for a smoke.


Bank Waiting Area was glad to meet so many new people.


Subway Tool Storage Box stood against the wall and kept to himself.


Oven said they didn't get enough candy.


But Water Cooler didn't get any candy.


And as always, Fountain drank too much and got sloppy.


Train Car Lock took too much ecstasy and had to lie down.


iPhone Case wondered who was going to pay for all of this.


Cardboard Box and Broken Hinge both got lost and missed the party entirely.


Cheap Ikea Chair just smiled and enjoyed another successful party.


Sun Roof Attachment was still scared and refused to come down.


Large Capacity Tub said, "Yay! Let's do this again next year!"

Editor's Note: Thanks to Andrew Gall and Emily Kane for their contributions to this.