Deciding Between the B, C, and D options of the Hibachi At Home Service Brochure

I received this brochure from Hibachi at Home Service, who I had neither heard of nor have any upcoming events for.

But upon quick review of the service options, I'd decided if I were to use HAHS's services at some time, it would be between B, C and D.

Why, do you ask? Well, let's review here. A is automatically out because it just looks cramped in both photos. Everybody'd be knocking elbows while they're trying to eat their fried rice or whatever. It doesn't help, either that A is shown indoors. Hibachi smoke everywhere and all that.

B looks good because it has the elegance of the black folding chairs and the red placemats. Black and red can be very bold together. Like the Ocean's 11 movie poster or a page from the "Sin City" comic. The addition of another hibachi grill and chairs on the other side makes it even more of a big event. Fun!

C is similar to B but goes with white chairs, which many people would find more elegant. White and red are also a very bold combination. Like the Ocean's 11 movie poster or a page from the "Sin City" comic. A wedding would be so fun with the bride throwing the bouquet and the hibachi chef throwing shrimp!

D does away with red altogether and goes with a classy white with natural basket colored placemats. Looks like a northeastern clam bake, but with lobster and teriyaki chicken! The hibachi grill cannot be white, however. A shame, really.

FINAL VERDICT: Depending on the event you are planning and the type of group you have invited, any three of these options would be acceptable. Personally, however, I would go with C. The fact that HAHS chose that photo to have the chef standing there makes me suspect that is their favorite, too?

The Triumphant Return of Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster

Back in May, I attended a wedding at NYC and got properly shitrocked.

And whilst drunk, I had the presence of mind to write a few Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster entries. Here they are now, copied from my phone and unedited:

You show up at a ranch decided type place and then you decide that somehow the big gigantic lobster giant lobster thing is going to get you. Then you realize you’ve had the power to defeat it all along. And then you think hey, this is just like one of those things that makes it like lobster fest at red lobster at red lobster time stop.

You’re caught in pretty much a sling type hammock device but you realize that the only way to get out of it, is to order more lobster. And when you order more lobster, you realize that is so delicious, they don’t realize or care, they were in this type of position. That’s one way, to realize that you’re in the lobster fest at red lobster daikon pop

You wearing 24 silver skirt type vans types of shit so then you realize that just because it’s happening you don’t really know what you’re doing, what is this. You got it but then what is going on,? That’s when you realize, that hot legs in a short skirt is nothing match for lobster fest at red lobster.

Reasons Why Annie + Jackson Won't Last

Spotted in Staples, a mockup of a Save the Date, featuring an Annie + Jackson:

1) They're having the wedding (November 25) on a Thanksgiving weekend?! That's either on purpose because they're so unsure about the wedding that they don't want their relatives and friends to actually attend, or they're so dumbly infatuated with each other that they haven't properly thought things through.

2) It's a sweet pose, but the fact that Jackson has his back to her and doesn't make eye contact speaks volumes about their actual chemistry.

3) Not to perpetuate the diamond industrial complex, but I don't see a ring on that hand. Not even a simple band. Bad start, Jackson!

4) Both of their hairstyles are so damned trendy, it wouldn't be a surprise if their relationship were as superficial and fleeting. Truth hurts, folks.

5) They went to STAPLES for invitations? Pair of broke-ass kids are gonna fight over money within the first year and get divorced- mark my words.

"Swimming On The Meat Juice"

Below, a TripAdvisor review of Sir Walter Raleigh Restaurant, which is just down the road from my Mom and Dad's:

Can't tell if this writer was illiterate or was using English as a second language. And apparently the reviewer has never heard of "au jus." Either way, fantasticism!

Read the review here.

And this is impressive: if you Google search the phrase "swimming on the meat juice" in quotes, there is only ONE SEARCH RESULT.

Let's Slurp The Last Hanging Giblets Out Of The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Tom Weingard via text:

"Spotted at an Indian wedding: back cleavage!"

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto With How To Legally Annul A Marriage

First of all, you need to live in the state where you'd like to receive an annulment. Most states have residency requirements that must be followed in order to be considered for an annulment.

Know that annulment criteria vary by state. Hire an attorney in your area who can guide you through the requirements of your state as you begin the annulment process.

And thirdly, consider the necessary criteria that can make your marriage eligible for an annulment. If the married couple are biologically close relatives (parent and child, grandparent and grandchild) than they are eligible for an annulment. If one of the parties is deemed mentally incapable to be married due to drunkenness or mental disease at the time of the marriage, than an annulment is a viable option. If one or both of the parties didn't meet age requirements or if the union was never consummated, the marriage is eligible to be declared invalid.

And speaking of marriage, when I drive couples during weddings, often brides will stand up through the sunroof and automatically lose their veils because of the wind. Then they make me turn the limo around to pick it up off the street, because it's some "valuable heirloom" or something. People, stop being assholes.

I Swear I'm Not Making This Up

Pictured above, a Facebook friend request from the priest that married me and J'Net in Philadelphia.

Oh the Pageantry. The Majesty.

Andrew Gall marries Megan Mullaly. And John Reid responds.

Hell is A Bridal Shop.

It's four months after the wedding, and we can finally settle down and never have to talk about weddings ever again, right? Wrong! I had to accompany the new wife to a bridal salon so that she could have the dress PRESERVED and TOUCHED UP. The shop's proprietors are two very lovely but chatty women. Add the fact that J'Net brought a PHOTO ALBUM OF THE WEDDING, and you've got one seriously bored-out-of-his-everlovin'-skull groom.


I could have left the shop, but the shop is located in Haddonfield, NJ, which is essentially a Thomas Kinkaid painting brought to life. So no porn shops, casinos, or walls to tag. So what was my recourse? I took a flight of fancy through the magic of my imagination.

I grabbed the nearest reading material– an Alfred Angelo "Special Occasion" separates catalog– and proceeded to let my mind wander. I played a game called "Pick 5 Women in This Catalog That I'd Bone and Why."


And after deliberating for 10 minutes, here were my picks (it must be noted here that this was an intellectual exercise in the front window of a store– there was no self-frottage happening):


5) "The Middle School Chaperone"

This model, who I've nicknamed Frida, with her buxom frame and come-hither look definitely stood out as bone-able.

The fact that she's standing in a corner, as if she just snuck out of the middle school gym for a quickie doesn't hurt either.

Hey, Frida, make sure the kids aren't spiking the punch bowl again!

Bonability Factor: 6




4) "The Kitty Dukakis"

Now, I'm no MILF hunter, but I am a total sucker for a lapel-less jacket with matching buttons and cuffs.

"Cheryl" here wears the outfit with class, style, and a little bit of irony. Very bonable.

Standing proud against the wall as if she's facing either paparazzi or a firing squad, Cheryl does it with all the detachment of someone not getting emotionally involved with a boning.

Bonability Factor: 7



3) "The Galadriel"

Frida's back in a corner with a naughtier, more revealing ensemble.

As if emerging from her tree dwelling at Caras Galadhon, she offers refuge for Frodo Baggins and the Fellowship of the Ring.

And a little revealed leg shows that her temptations are almost as strong as that of the One Ring. Good show, Frida!

Bonability factor: 8




2) "The Nancy Reagan/ The Booty Shifter" (tie)


"Karla" and "Miriam" both exude sexuality, but from different ends of the spectrum, with the same end result.

Karla's prim, straightforward manner tells you she wants to schedule a serious boning.

Miriam, however, slyly throws that ass around as if to say, "Oh, did you notice my ass? It's available for boning."

Bravo, ladies, you're both winners!

Combined bonability factor: 9.5




1) "The Aged Trophy Wife"

This model, nicknamed "Cherise," has a bored playfulness about her that defiantly confirms her sexuality.

Drunk and leaning against the wall for support, she doesn't care if her CEO husband sees her flirting with the young bartender at the charity function. He doesn't give her the business like he used to, and she's a Rob Roy away from telling the whole party that he can't get it up anymore.

But she'll bone you at the drop of a hat.

Bonability Factor: 4,000

Wedding Tips 7 or 8, I Forget Which.

A special guest drops by to answer your Wedding Tips questions (and to vent about a work-related development).

Wedding Tip 6: Freeballin' It

A belated, after-the-fact Wedding Tip from Jessica to J'Net.

TUUUUUU! Have and TUUUUUU! Hold

Ayana and Jessica make fun of a honking big portrait. Like, Stalin-big.

Stay tuned for more of their bridal adventures!

Megan's Reaction to 2G1C

Better late than never, right?



Incidentally, Megan just said yes to Andrew's proposal this weekend. Presumably before he showed her "2 Girls 1 Cup."

An As-Yet Unanswered Wedding Tip

Andrew asks Jessica an oblique (and super-dark) Wedding Tip question.

Jessica and Ayana had attempted to answer this question, but they were confused about the meaning of the question and filmed a really awkward non-response which was ultimately rejected by EADJ publishers.

So this is all we got so far.

No Conga Either

(pictured above, J'Net & I and the wedding DJ come to an understanding)

No, It's Not What You Think, Honest!

So I bought this cutter from Pearl for the big wedding invitation project. Pretty straightforward little thing. Not too expensive.



But then I got some weird looks taking it home on the subway. I wondered why. Then I looked down at my bag:



The words "PERSONAL TRIMMER" makes it look like I'm taking home this massive weed wacker for my pubes, I guess. At least it says 12 inches.

Let's Sign the EADJ Mail Sack Up for a Karaoke Song That It Doesn't Know the Words To, So It Totally Embarasses Itself!

Submitted by J'Net, a totally grody note by some wedding shoe store:


"If shoes are returned with ANY signs of toe marks, the shoes will be considered unsellable and will be returned without refund or exchange.

As a precaution, consider washing your feet prior to trying on these new shoes, especially if you have been outdoors wearing open toe shoes."

What kind of pigfucking hillbillies are getting married these days? Wait, don't answer that, I know. The same kind who are stealing all the headlines from the CNN front page. Dumb toothless pregnant a-hole celebrity jack-fucks.

Wedding Tips: With Special Guest, Michelle!

Jessica and Balls sort of answer a question from Rick in Detroit. Sort of.

A Nocturnal Wedding Tip For Jessica

A figure in the shadows gives Jessica a Wedding Tip.

Curlz in the Family

(pictured above, the painful realization that one's future sister-in-law uses Curlz to represent her wooden-flower-centerpiece business. Phone numbers and email address have been blurred out to protect the innocent)