Showing posts with label christian coldplay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label christian coldplay. Show all posts
Monday, December 20, 2021
Monday, December 1, 2014
Here's What The Hallmark Channel Is Shitting Out For Christmas This Year
Lonely fat hoarders with dozens of cats will enjoy this year's offerings of The Hallmark Channel's holiday soon-to-be classics as part of their Hallmark® Countdown To Suicide Christmas. Here is what to expect on Channel 589:
"A Very Merry Mix-Up" starring Alicia Witt and Mark Wiebe.
Two holiday travelers stuck at the same layover accidentally switch roller bags, resulting in the cavity search of one and the unconstitutional rendition of the other to Guantanamo Bay.
"Baby's First Christmas" staring Casper Van Dien and Rachel Wilson
An abortion doctor meets the girl of his dreams, but realizes she wants to terminate her pregnancy, which happens to be divinely conceived and due on December 25. WHAT TO DO??????
"Lucky Christmas" starring Elizabeth Berkley and Jason Gray-Standford.
A struggling actress tries to live down playing a stripper in the biggest critical and box office bomb of the last century by doing a harmless Christmas-themed TV movie with some nobodies.
"12 Dates of Christmas" starring Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Amy Smart
A white girl and a white boy meet in Central Park and do a bunch of white things in the white snow. Soundtrack by Isaac Hayes and Parliament.
"My Dog's Christmas Miracle" starring Cynthia Gibb (who?), Greg Evigan (who?), Kendall Ryan Sanders (who?), and Ashley Leggat (who?)
A deceased family dog returns after being buried in nearby Indian burial grounds and proves to be more than a handful for this orderly, Christian home! Also, check out Mom's tits.
"Northpole" starring Tiffani Thiessen and Josh Hopkins
Scarves, hats, and jackets come together on top of a group of human hosts.
Frankly, there are SO MANY of these crap films that we don't have the time or inclination to cover all of them:
Monday, April 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
EADJ Album Artwork Project
Here's a new segment: we send some unknown album artwork to friends and ask them to predict what the music sounds like based on the cover alone. We then send them mp3's from those albums to see how well they did. S'fun!
We recruited the help of Balls in Chicago and Andrew Gall in Seattle. Here are their impressions based purely on the album artwork:
Album #1: Blood On the Dancefloor (aka BOTDF) "It's Hard To Be a Diamond In a Rhinstone (sic) World"
Michelle: "A true pioneer in the eastern-bloc pop music scene. Botof takes up where Avril Lavigne left off and adds a slinky, dark edge to it. Simply stated, it's self-absorbed, pop-punk with a vague death wish."
Andrew: "Her (his?) sound is like a group of slinkies going down the stairs (alone or in pairs, no less), with a backing track that is a bit techno and a bit like an overweight man belching, mixed with the unmistakable sound of lily white asscrack. For some reason I am also visualizing the sound a gun turret makes."
Album #2: Various Artists "It's Always Gully In Philadelphia, Season 3"
Michelle: "Gritty, gangster hip-hop with a socially conscious twist. Heavy, trigger-happy beats paired up with grisly, raw raps capture the struggles of thug life in South Philly. This is hardcore, bitches."
Andrew: "I have to admit, this did make me chuckle a little bit. As humorous as the concept itself may be, these guys seem like your typical mealy-mouthed gun talk MCs, rapping things like “nickel bag” with “jag” and posturing with a .44 in their pants all the while. For some reason I feel like the one second from the right has the most raw skills. They’re also likely to rap over some oversampled tracks, like “Between the Sheets” by the Isley Brothers or something by Wham. Needs improvement."
Album #3: Slow Motion Noise, Demo
*This is actually a band photo, not an album cover
Michelle: "This band proves themselves to be Christian music's answer to Coldplay. Their meaningful, deft lyrics expound on themes of forgiveness and spiritual wandering. Their soaring, anthemic, guitar melodies make this a praise-worthy effort."
Andrew: "Weird dudes with fat guy whose arms are folded- This band is a myriad of problems. The guy on the left can’t get a girl, the two in the middle would be more popular on their own, and the drummer (the guy on the right) ruins most of their live shows by sweating through his t-shirts and blasting mid-set burrito farts. Plus, they haven’t really figured out their sound yet. They sound vaguely Swedish."
Album #4: Radiobaghdad, "Hooked On Ebonics"
Michelle: "Post-modern, avant-garde duo Radiobagdad gives an ironic tip-of-the-hat to 90s old skool hip-hop genre. Their detached, eurotrash vocals and elastic, synthesized beats are persuasive and taught. It's the adventurous fusion of their krautrock influences with more urban rhythms that shake up the aural status-quo and defy classification."
Andrew: "Contrary to first impulse, these guys are actually a dancehall group. They’re your typical reggae homophobes, featuring tracks like “No way, gay” and “hopeless homo”, but they do have the potential to shine. Decent beats save this one. Top 40 crossover potential."
Album #5: Beat Kids, Self-Titled
Michelle: "Bratty, and at times lyrically adolescent, this band really stands out in the sea of indie-popsters. Bright, unrestrained, with shades of so-cal punk influence, their music is as high-velocity as it is danceable."
Andrew: "The most potential of an otherwise inauspicious group of musical artists. The green slime which contains bones, an eyeball, and possibly shoes belies the genius pairing of four plain white tees, a plaid sweater, and some vicious, vicious britpop. The guy on the left is the lead singer, and his balls are far more overworked than yours. The other four mainly dance around and sometimes wrestle each other. In short, this sounds like the future."
Album #6: Super Fun Happy Slide, "The Undislodgable Nugget Scenario"
Michelle: "A perfect combination of ham-fisted, bare-knuckled guitar riffs, highly-caustic, mutating vocals, and reckless drum beats. This release will literally bludgeon your ass."
Andrew: (Due to a clerical error on EADJ's part, Andrew was not sent this album cover and does not have an entry for this one. Totally my bad.)
NEXT ENTRY: What the bands sound like!
We recruited the help of Balls in Chicago and Andrew Gall in Seattle. Here are their impressions based purely on the album artwork:
Album #1: Blood On the Dancefloor (aka BOTDF) "It's Hard To Be a Diamond In a Rhinstone (sic) World"
Michelle: "A true pioneer in the eastern-bloc pop music scene. Botof takes up where Avril Lavigne left off and adds a slinky, dark edge to it. Simply stated, it's self-absorbed, pop-punk with a vague death wish."
Andrew: "Her (his?) sound is like a group of slinkies going down the stairs (alone or in pairs, no less), with a backing track that is a bit techno and a bit like an overweight man belching, mixed with the unmistakable sound of lily white asscrack. For some reason I am also visualizing the sound a gun turret makes."
Album #2: Various Artists "It's Always Gully In Philadelphia, Season 3"
Michelle: "Gritty, gangster hip-hop with a socially conscious twist. Heavy, trigger-happy beats paired up with grisly, raw raps capture the struggles of thug life in South Philly. This is hardcore, bitches."
Andrew: "I have to admit, this did make me chuckle a little bit. As humorous as the concept itself may be, these guys seem like your typical mealy-mouthed gun talk MCs, rapping things like “nickel bag” with “jag” and posturing with a .44 in their pants all the while. For some reason I feel like the one second from the right has the most raw skills. They’re also likely to rap over some oversampled tracks, like “Between the Sheets” by the Isley Brothers or something by Wham. Needs improvement."
Album #3: Slow Motion Noise, Demo
*This is actually a band photo, not an album cover
Michelle: "This band proves themselves to be Christian music's answer to Coldplay. Their meaningful, deft lyrics expound on themes of forgiveness and spiritual wandering. Their soaring, anthemic, guitar melodies make this a praise-worthy effort."
Andrew: "Weird dudes with fat guy whose arms are folded- This band is a myriad of problems. The guy on the left can’t get a girl, the two in the middle would be more popular on their own, and the drummer (the guy on the right) ruins most of their live shows by sweating through his t-shirts and blasting mid-set burrito farts. Plus, they haven’t really figured out their sound yet. They sound vaguely Swedish."
Album #4: Radiobaghdad, "Hooked On Ebonics"
Michelle: "Post-modern, avant-garde duo Radiobagdad gives an ironic tip-of-the-hat to 90s old skool hip-hop genre. Their detached, eurotrash vocals and elastic, synthesized beats are persuasive and taught. It's the adventurous fusion of their krautrock influences with more urban rhythms that shake up the aural status-quo and defy classification."
Andrew: "Contrary to first impulse, these guys are actually a dancehall group. They’re your typical reggae homophobes, featuring tracks like “No way, gay” and “hopeless homo”, but they do have the potential to shine. Decent beats save this one. Top 40 crossover potential."
Album #5: Beat Kids, Self-Titled
Michelle: "Bratty, and at times lyrically adolescent, this band really stands out in the sea of indie-popsters. Bright, unrestrained, with shades of so-cal punk influence, their music is as high-velocity as it is danceable."
Andrew: "The most potential of an otherwise inauspicious group of musical artists. The green slime which contains bones, an eyeball, and possibly shoes belies the genius pairing of four plain white tees, a plaid sweater, and some vicious, vicious britpop. The guy on the left is the lead singer, and his balls are far more overworked than yours. The other four mainly dance around and sometimes wrestle each other. In short, this sounds like the future."
Album #6: Super Fun Happy Slide, "The Undislodgable Nugget Scenario"
Michelle: "A perfect combination of ham-fisted, bare-knuckled guitar riffs, highly-caustic, mutating vocals, and reckless drum beats. This release will literally bludgeon your ass."
Andrew: (Due to a clerical error on EADJ's part, Andrew was not sent this album cover and does not have an entry for this one. Totally my bad.)
NEXT ENTRY: What the bands sound like!
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